Fashionable style robots Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have been escorting their painfully precious baby North West around Paris for Fashion Week and with every photo that emerges, North's grimace deepens. Is it pain over the constant photographers' flashes? Is it the dismal reality that the life of a human is finite? Or is it those leather leggings that are chafing her diapered bum?
North West turned one in June. Ever since her debut into celebrityhood after skimming her first September issue of Vogue with mama Kim, the tyke has appeared all over the world dressed like a very fashionable miniature adult, like an adult if you made them small. Like if you just put an adult that looked like Kanye West into a miniaturizing machine and then were like, "Here we have it! A baby Kimye!" She's styled like she's a grown-ass person who has confronted the reality that she's going to need to dress right if Anna Wintour is going to take her seriously. I mean, yes, but also, she's a baby.
Behold, a summarized list of outfits worn by North West in the past week in Paris, where it is cold outside and not fit for babies:
- leather leggings, leather motorcycle jacket, black Timberland boots
- lace shirt-dress with flower embellishments with tiny baby Doc Martens tied tightly around the ankle; outfit intended to match mother's outfit
- a Yeezy t-shirt layered over a long-sleeved t-shirt with a leather skirt and leather leggings underneath worn with thick socks and baby Timberlands with laces mostly untied and haphazardly strewn
When your parents are Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, and fashion is part of their "thing," you're going to be a baby who is like, "Okay, mom! I get it! Let's roll with this new look so I can sit front row at Givenchy at not feel like a total noob. I don't want to embarrass you."
But you're also actually a baby so what you really want is breathable cotton clothing and a place to shit your pants.
Let's say, for example, you're a baby. I don't know how you'd be reading this website but perhaps for the sake of this exercise, you're a hypersmart baby who has learned how to read by the time you were one year old and for the further sake of the exercise, you are wearing leather leggings. I don't know how you got them, you just have them. They are expensive and designer, like Marc Jacobs leather leggings.
While you're reading, you, being a baby, have to poop. Or let's say, you, being a baby, are very hot and sweaty and sticky all the time. You crawl across the floor in your leggings and you can hear them creak and your sweaty crevices get sweatier and begin to chafe. You poop in your diaper. Imagine your parents (or nanny) having to pull of those leather leggings to get into your shitty diaper? Your body is already so sweaty and smelly, the leather is only going to make things worse. Leather does NOT smell good when it is wet.
The only kind of clothes that babies should wear are the kind that allow for quick washing, ease of movement, and breathability. Have you ever smelled a small child? Sure, they smell great when they come out of the tub, but for most of their day, they smell putrid and sticky and are liable to do anything and try anything and give you a hell of a time. Just because North West—angel from above—was born from two famous people doesn't excuse her babyness. She's trying to throw up, too. Have you seen that face? I bet she's throwing up right now.
I get that having a baby is also like having a fun doll to dress up, but dolls don't smell and also play. North West, if she's trying to be a real baby, should get to play, too. Ever see a baby at the playground, dangling on the monkey bars with a lace shift dress on?
[Image via Getty]