Let's All Pretend to Be CIA Officers Now

Do you have a job that overworks you? Wish you had more time at home with the kids, or just alone with your thoughts? You should join our elite secret outfit of people who pretend to work for the Central Intelligence Agency to get out of doing their day jobs.

This outfit, I shouldn't even be mentioning it. Its existence has never been confirmed publicly. Good luck getting Uncle Sam to comment! But you may have seen a hint of its operations lately, what with the EPA's highest-paid employee admitting that for more than a decade he falsely told his bosses he was a CIA spy who regularly jetted off to Pakistan to fight the War on Terror.

John C. Beale, that was his "name," and his sounds like an extreme case—telling gullible government overseers he was "urgently needed in Pakistan because the Taliban was torturing his CIA replacement"—all so he could pull down his $206,000 a year for sitting around a "vacation house on Cape Cod" and "doing absolutely nothing."

Well, we're not all like that. We don't all have summer cottages. Mostly, we're just patriotic young professionals who are hyperproductive workers and who also want to help our fellow Americans continue to believe in the constancy and consistency of their security from terrorist attacks and foreign invasions. All this we accomplish by telling people we work for the CIA and hanging out at home, snapchatting and listening to the new Beyonce in our skivvies.

You're probably skeptical right now: If you make up all that CIA stuff, how do I know you're not making up the stuff about this being an actual outfit? Ha, we like your skepticism. There's no space for rubes in this business. And that's our proof!

When you hear stories of CIA incompetence—like the recent investigations on how its unofficial covert operations in places like Iran fooled no one—or sloth, like when the agency's officers kept tabs on suspicious folks in World of Warcraft—that's not the CIA, that's us! While we reassure folks at home, we reassure America's enemies, as well: conveying an image of a U.S. government that can't do anything right. The CIA gets things right, all the time, which is why you hear so much about us pretend CIA and so little about the real ones. Trust us on that!

Our little outfit, it's on the rise. It's in demand. Your boss, she may tell you that she needs those TPS reports like yesterday. But what she really needs is a guarantee that someone stands high and heavily armed on the walls betwixt Civilization's core and its nasty periphery. She needs a hero. She needs a CIA officer on her payroll.

So tell her it's you. Join our little outfit... and maybe, someday soon, we won't see you at the office!

[Photo credit: Bigstock Photo]