Let's Put Ronald Reagan On All the Money

A dumb new poll proves that 38% of Americans still believe Ronald Reagan was a "great" president—so great, in fact, that his dyed hair and rouged cheeks should be on American money! Of the last six presidents, Reagan's the clear winner in this hypothetical contest. Maybe because he's the only dead one?

Republicans in Congress occasionally try to kick a real American hero off some money so that Reagan can be honored yet again. They tried this with actual American hero Ulysses Grant and the $50 bill, and they tried it with Franklin Roosevelt and the dime just to show how much they still hate the "New Deal" of 80 years ago. The GOP even tried to put him on the $20, so that we'd have to look at Reagan's death mask every time we went to the ATM, forever.

For a while there, during the eight awful years of George W. Bush and 9/11, Reagan's ghost was remembered on one landmark after another. But it was Bill Clinton who allowed the founding father of America, George Washington, to be ritually humiliated in 1998 when Washington National Airport was changed to "Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport"—Reagan is so hated by the nation's air traffic controllers that to this day, pilots who radio to "Reagan Tower" are brusquely informed that the airport's tower will always be "Washington Tower."

But despite Vanity Fair's latest inane poll proving that 38% of Americans would put the Gipper on our hallowed money people hardly even use anymore because of the Direct Deposit and the Google Wallet and the Amazon Prime and the PayPal and the BitCoin and the persistent unemployment that denies most Americans the right to have any money at all, the last serious attempt to put Reagan on U.S. currency flopped way back in 2010.

In other current VF polling trends data, 3% of Americans want to make "Born In the USA" the national anthem. "Born In the USA" is a screeching downer from the 1980s about insane homeless Vietnam veterans being tortured by synthesizers.