Welcome to Next Question With Michael Musto, a regular feature in which Musto uses his time-honed skills to interrogate big celebrities, former celebrities, and wannabe celebrities. Musto is a pop culture icon, regular TV presence, and the author of four books.
Insult comic extraordinaire Lisa Lampanelli hasn’t been able to make fun of her own stomach ever since part of it was removed in a 2012 gastric sleeve surgery that led her to lose over 100 pounds. But don’t worry. Lisa hasn’t lost her tongue or her cojones, even though she just studied at Yale’s Summer Conservatory for Actors. You heard right. Get your gunt off the floor and learn the whole story, including the one bad word Lisa has surgerized.
Hey, Lisa. Yale?
I applied because I’m doing a Broadway show next year and I felt I should know something about acting.
What??? What did you have to do to get in?
Suck a big dick. No, I pulled a James Franco move. You know how he takes classes at Yale so he can be serious and wants to learn? Well, I pretended I was serious and wanted to learn, so they let me in. I thought it would be just plain acting classes, but you have to take movement. The biggest thing I could ever move is my bowels, and that’s about it. We also had to take vocal class to learn projecting. That one I just phoned in! I was mostly with people who are too young to have seen my act—their parents wouldn’t let them watch. I had to indoctrinate them as to who I am. There were old people too, but they’re too classy to know who I am. And the boys are 70% straight! Since when is one of our gay professions being taken over by straight people who don’t appreciate it?
That’s shocking! So is the fact that Lisa Lampanelli is doing the classics. I just can’t see you as Lady Macbeth. No, wait, maybe I can.
I played the cunty sister in Proof. If you’ve seen Proof, you know the part of the cunty sister, and that’s me! The big, cunty sister!
On Broadway, will you be alone?
Yes! I don’t share that stage. I even said in acting class, “I have to work with other people? Why don’t we make everyone else’s monologue about me?” The Broadway show is me, me, me. I’m meeting with John Rando today. He’s directing.
Ooh, he did Urinetown. Is this going to be the inevitable followup, The Shit Show?
I would say so. That’s the new title! Actually, we’re tentatively calling it Lisa Lampanelli: Skinny Bitch, but I want to call it Lisa Lampanelli’s Not A Fat Cunt Anymore. That‘s too long to fit on the marquee, though.
They fit The MotherFucker With The Hat! You need a theater with a bigger marquee.
Speaking of things fitting, you lost a ton of weight. But do you ever sit around and miss your stomach?
I do not. I was doing so much physical movement at Yale. If my gunt was in the way, that thing would have been hanging and hitting the floor.
Does not eating as much make you more oral sexually?
Hell, no. I’m 52 and completely non oral. I’m closed for fricking business. There’s only one orifice my husband has access to, and it’s not the butt.
Hold on. The shocks keep coming. You have a tight ass?
OMG, tight ass, tight box!
But everyone assumes you’re a dirty whore?
I’m really no good whatsoever.
Your black boyfriend didn’t loosen you up all those years?
With my luck, I had the one black guy who was hung like an Asian.
By the way, Paula Deen says the N word and she’s ruined. You say it and get bigger and bigger. What gives?
I think it helps that I love them all. But I‘m cutting my losses. I’m not saying the N word anymore. I put a picture of me and Lena Dunham on Twitter in February and it said, “Me with my nigga.” I’m thinking it means friend. Suddenly the black people are up in arms. I’m not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. I don’t want to deal with this N word shit!
So you’ll never say it again?
I might, I might not.Howard Stern gave me the best advice about twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that’s why people overreact. I don’t need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.
On a more serious topic: What‘s the best part of a penis?
I don’t like any of it. I’m sick and tired of menopause. Wherever you put it, it hurts. I like when [my husband] puts it on the nightstand.
Like a mint?
Yeah! But nowhere near my mouth. I’m so sexually repressed, you’d never guess.
So Anthony Weiner’s photo shoots didn’t impress you?
I don’t think it’s very attractive down there. It’s disgusting. All men who are thinking of sending me pictures of your dick, stop it! A Ken doll dick, maybe.
Why do guys stay with you if you won’t put out?
It’s called being rich, motherfucker. I ain’t gonna blow you, but I’ve got three houses.
[Photo from Getty]