Prince George, heir to the British throne, turned one human year old on Tuesday. An occasion for celebration, perhaps, and yet we find ourselves troubled: If one thing has become clear over the last year, it is that George Alexander Louis of Cambridge is far from ready to serve as the solemn figurehead of a commonwealth of nations whose combined population numbers in the hundred millions.
To understand why very, very many people have argued that Prince George must step aside, one need only read the Vanity Fair profile of his royal highness, in which he is dubbed the "Prince of Wails" and slammed with adjectives normally reserved to describe his uncle, Prince Harry: "Ravenous." "Destructive." "Noisy."
In the piece, a sketch of George's personality is is drawn largely from a collection of quotations culled from his parents' polite small talk at official events. The Duke and Duchess speak of their son in the delicate, timid manner of two people terrified of the insatiable, screaming monster that, 13 moons ago, chewed its way out of a cursèd womb and into their cream-colored lives—and even more terrified that the monster will be able to parse out their terror from casual speech.
- "He's got quite a strong grip, actually," Kate told a zookeeper in Australia, during an official visit that culminated in Prince George gnawing on a yellow souvenir bumper sticker reading "WILD CHILD ON BOARD."
- "I've been a bit concerned he was destroying everything," said William to a guest at another overseas event.
- "He was such a good boy, actually," said Kate. "We were very lucky—he's not always like that."
- "He's at his most vocal at 3 a.m.," said William, "as you may have noticed."
- "He's got a good pair of lungs on him."
- "Now that he is getting more food he is so much better."
Even with a restrained British press, palace media offices have been unable to quell the yearlong deluge of photographs of Prince George at official events crying, screaming, sneering, leering, pouting, shouting, squirming, flailing, grabbing a boob, eating his mom's hair, and looking on with chilling coolness as the world around him descends into godless chaos.
Far be it from Gawker to rule on the monarchical politics of another nation. Indeed, there is no "rule" in America, where the Gawker offices are located. For this freedom, the Revolutionary War was fought, and the British, under the dominion of an equally inept King George, roundly beaten.
But a selection of photos is printed below for your perusal. As you stare into the furious black eyes of the future Supreme Governor of the Church of England, you should ask yourself: Is Prince George fit to lead?
[Images via Getty / Art by Jim Cooke]