Lunchables Allegedly Cool For Teens Now

Lunchables, the popular cracker-n-meat-n-cheez combo meals indicative of how much your parents did not care about your health as a child, are now considered acceptable sustenance for even high school-aged kids. Are adults next?

I like processed cheez food substance and vein-laden pig anus slices as much as anyone, but it should be uncontroversial to state that the "original" Lunchables product that we all ate "back in the day" was designed for kids who were both too young to know better, and too dumb to know better. (And too hungry to know better!) Today, things are more complicated. Brands must grow or die. But how? As E.J. Schultz reports in an excellent Ad Age Lunchables brand analysis today, "for most of its history, Lunchables has never tried to crack the lucrative teen market, fearing that the age group might be a little bit too old — and too cool — for the brand."

Too cool for Lunchables™ brand lunch food paxxx??? I don't think so!!!!!

In fact, Lunchables' teen-targeted spinoff—which is called "Uploaded," a cool slang word that teen computer hackers use to get sex and marijuana—is now bringing in a cool $125 million per year for the Kraft Corporation. What is the Lunchables™ brand secret for catching on with cool teens? Unsurprisingly, the answer is "coolness and being 'hip' to trends among teenage non-virgin dope smokers."

Larger portions are key to the strategy. Regular Lunchables contain kid-friendly food such as crackers, cheese and turkey; Uploaded meals include entrees such as 6-inch subs and nachos grande, with side snacks like Pringles and Cheez-Its. In June, Uploaded will launch a version with a deep-dish pizza topped with bacon. Teens know bacon is trendy, and they "appreciate the taste more" than younger kids, [Lunchables marketing director Geoff] Feil said.

What is trendy among teens these days? The answer is hot teen sex, marijuana, and bacon, not to mention hanging around the lunchroom having carefree slang-laden discussions of all of the above while enjoying a Lunchables™ brand Uploaded Packaged Lunch Food Product For Teens. Hey, chums—mom giving you a hard time about your rebellious Lunchables lifestyle? Don't "sweat it," brothers and sisters—reassure mom dukes that a Kraft spokesperson is on the record as saying that "All but one recipe are a good source of protein." What more do you need, mama-san? Now I'm Audi 5000 to meet my teenaged friends—and get Uploaded (with marijuana)!

Adult Lunchables with limp American cheez quiche and a tiny jug of piss-like pinot grigio cannot be far behind.

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