R&B diva/proud songwriter/walking Lisa Frank sticker book Mariah Carey renews her vows to her husband Nick Cannon every year. I put it that way because it is clear that Mariah is pulling the strings in this relationship, including the one attached to Nick's back that delivers compliments on demand, like he's a custom-made Talking Pee-Wee Herman Doll: "You're #beautiful, just like the title of your upcoming stone groove smash hit wonder with Miguel, Mariah!" "You are the biggest selling female recording artist of all time, Mariah!" "Pee on me!" You know, things of that nature.
Last year, Mariah and Nick renewed their vows at the Eiffel Tower. The year before, Al Sharpton presided over a ceremony at the hospital where Mariah gave birth to her twins Monroe and Moroccan, because oh yeah, she had her kids on her third wedding anniversary because that is what happens when you are famous and live in a storybook. In 2010, they renewed their vows in all white at their Beverly Hills mansion. Nick gave Mariah a "blinged out" Ring Pop-esque piece of jewelry because as much as she likes to claim that she is "eternally 12," everyone knows that she is, in fact, eternally 5. In 2009, they had a destination vow renewal in the Maldives. “I don’t really eat cake, but I had a very small piece that night,” said Mariah of her joyous celebration. She was having a skinny moment.
And by the way, all this means that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for five years. We said it wouldn't last, they had to prove us wrong with display of childlike opulence after display of childlike opulence. Next year, they will renew their vows on a moon bounce shaped like a cupcake, mark my words.
As for this year, they shut down Disneyland last night and had a "prince and princess-themed" party, which ha ha yeah right, it was totally a princess party that Mariah was obligated to invite her husband to. Entertainment Tonight has a full report. Reading it is like smearing Pixie Stix on your brain. Mariah and her daughter arrived in Cinderella's horse-drawn Crystal Carriage, and met Nick and their son in front of Sleeping Beauty's castle, where they renewed their vows. The "theme" of the renewal ceremony was "Do you believe in fairytales?" which it's safe to say that Mariah does. The Royal Footman from Cinderella, Major Domo, was the night's other MC. Mariah dressed like a princess, Nick dressed like Prince Charming, and Monroe and Moroccan wore outfits to match the parents of their gender, because it's cute when kids get married, regardless of their bloodlines.
Mariah posted a series of Vines chronicling her several-times-in-a-lifetime fairytale night. Together, they tell the story of a woman who never was able to complete a full sentence but is nonetheless full of interesting noises. They are below in order of ridiculousness.