Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

If you were an eternally 12-year-old pop star with a #Beautiful shoulder injury, what would your sling be made of? Feathers and studs and candy bling and bliss and white magic and faeries' eyelashes and unicorn hides.

Making the most of her injury, which occurred on the set of her still-unreleased "#Beautiful" remix video, Mariah Carey has paraded a series of ornate arm slings during her public appearances within the last month, including her July 13 show at Central Park. At yesterday's press conference for and premiere screening of Lee Daniels' The Butler, her bum wing showcased a Stevie Nicks motif: leather and lace. Her No. 1 lamb/husband Nick Cannon says Carey also hurt her ribs and has nerve damage, but that's not going to stop her from looking fabulously ridiculous.

(Incidentally, I predicted this fashion turn and am very proud.)

Anyway, below is her array of public slingage ranked from least to most fabulous, according to me, someone who doesn't know shit about shit when it comes to women's fashion. I do know a thing or two about walking camp and Muppetry, though, and I think Carey is exhibiting both here.

No. 8: The Non-Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

Why does Mariah Carey look so sad in this picture that her collabo-buddy posted to Global 14 with the caption "STARTING OFF THIS FRIDAY,HELPING MY GOOD FRIEND MC MOVE AROUND DESPITE HER INJURIES……"? Because she is wearing a splint but not a sling. There's nothing fabulous about having attached to your upper body a giant strappy sandal that not even a bear in P-twon would wear.

No. 7: The Commoner Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

This travesty happened as Carey was discharged from the hospital, when she was temporarily reduced to something approaching common folk. However, the indignity she suffered by wearing this while photographed gave her the strength to self-actualize her sling game. Mariah Carey will always make it through the rain.

No. 6: The Studded Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

This is a bold choice, but it strikes me as passé. Nevertheless, Carey seems to be parade-proud of this sling, which is made of Adam Lambert's skin sheddings. This sling expresses the Def Leppard-covering side of Carey's persona.

No. 5: The Fur Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

This is either the foot of the giant rabbit that Mariah Carey rides around on (well, not anymore, I guess!), or a muff that's missing her other hand like Mariah misses the person she's singing about in "We Belong Together." And "Can't Let Go." And "Love Takes Time." And "Breakdown." And "Always Be My Baby." And "The Roof." And "Miss You." But anyway, an actual muff could never work for without one good hand to gesture dramatically along with her songs, Mariah Carey probably wouldn't have a voice at all.

No. 4: The Lace Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

The shoes. It matches the shoes.

No. 3 - The Little Black Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

Every woman injured on the set of her hashtag-video featuring Young Jeezy needs one.

No. 2 - The Bling Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

Have I mentioned that I called this? It looks like a sweatshirt my 76-year-old aunt would wear to the slot machines in Atlantic City and I mean that as a compliment. What? Is Mariah Carey supposed to be not tacky?

No. 1: The Feather Sling

Mariah Carey's Fashion Slings Ranked by Fabulousness

This body boa is witchy enough to bewitch. It makes her figurative wing look like a real wing. Spread your wings and prepare to fly, Mariah, for you have become a woman with a single bird's wing.

[Images via Getty, Mariah Carey's Instagram, and Global 14]