On Thursday, the New York Times published an intriguing firsthand account of the daily beauty routine of cream-colored lady Martha Stewart who, at 72, is better preserved than the contents of specimen jars gathering dust on shelves in walk-in pantries and anatomy laboratoria around the country.
It mostly consists of staying moist.
Stewart starts her day by putting a mask, just as we all do before heading out into the world. Some people's masks are "tough guy" masks or "just an average Halifax Area High School student like you and not a cop" masks. One of the ones Stewart likes to wear is made out of hydrating gel. She puts it on. She showers it off. Once she has hydrated and rinsed off the hydration, it's time to start hydrating.
"I slather myself with serums," explains Martha Stewart.
First she sprays her "whole face and body" with lotion. Then she applies a different lotion "from head to toe." Then she applies a serum.
"[T]he more moisturizers and serums you use, the better off you are."
Then she applies another moisturizer. Then she applies a cream around her eyes, although this is not needed.
"With all of these serums, I find I don't have to put on an eye cream, although my facialist insists I put one on."
Then she smears on sunscreen.
By this stage, Stewart's face has the approximate texture and pearly sheen of a glazed donut. Time to cover it up with make-up. (Stewart advises against leaving the house sans make-up, for then you risk appearing "awful or just plain" in photographs.)
Stewart's make-up takes the form of moisturizing moisture (Moisture Bound Tinted Moisturizer) or fluid (Clé de Peau Refining Fluid Foundation). She puts gloss on her lips (a shade called Samantha) so that they always look wet. If she is traveling, she brings a spray bottle of lotion with her to keep herself damp to death 24/7.
"On a recent plane ride to L.A., I sprayed myself five times."
For her dress, she wears a pond.
At the end of the day, dripping like Ophelia and slip-slide-sailing over the marble floors of her tastefully appointed bathroom, Stewart daubs her face with baby oil to remove the cosmetics, lotions, moisturizing mists she has spent so many hours judiciously applying.
"I like oil because it keeps my skin very moist, and it works for me."
Elsewhere in the article, Stewart (who, unlike the selkies of Celtic mythology, absolutely does not long to slip back into her sleek sealskin and return to the cold grey sea that was, long ago and forever, her home...Ha ha, that would be crazy) informs readers she has "good feet," "good" hair stylists, "really good hair," "a really great trainer," "the best massager in the world," and an inability to acquire clogged pores.
It's like trying to paint rain.
[Image by Jim Cooke, source photo via Getty]