The dreaded "millennial" generation, composed of millions of identical young people who are on drugs, are now old enough to get "real" jobs and have their own bank accounts. They're still getting the hang of it, god bless em.
It is hard to blame "millennials" (a vague term that, in reality, means nothing, but knowledge of that fact must be suspended in order to enjoy trend stories such as this one, so do your best) for believing that they are more "money-savvy" than they actually are. After all, every last business in America that wants to make money money selling anything covets the influential millennial demographic, who are able, with their buying patterns, to convince both impressionable teenagers and desperately uncool older people that something or other is "cool." Fashion brands covet millennial influencers. Liquor brands covet millennial drinkers. Even real estate agents covet millennial home buyers. As disconcerting as it is to learn that millennials are finally getting their hands on some real money, it is a fact of life that must be accepted, like gum disease. All we can do is pray that these young brand-loyal savants have taken the time to absorb enough financial wisdom to make them both responsible and just.
Doubt it though. Here are the results of a survey by researchers who asked millennials: what would you idiots do if you got $1,000 right now? (This survey was done last year, but if you think the answers have changed in a few months just because the phrase "millennial home buyer" is now in widespread circulation, get real.)
- Male millennials' top three answers: buy electronics, "savings," buy clothing.
- Female millennials' top three answers: buy clothing, "savings," buy electronics.
The correct answer: invest in a low-cost index fund and wait 30 years. Sure, it might not make you the "belle of the disco" this Saturday night, but when you're ready to retire, who will be getting most of the sex, then? People with amply funded retirement accounts. Think ahead. Life is not a never-ending "unboxing my electronics" Youtube video, idiots.
Millennials won't have money for long.
[Dancing without a care as inflation eats your savings away: AP]