Hope you weren't planning on going to sleep ever again, because now there is a fish than can survive out of water for days (days!), has teeth, and can grow to three feet long. It is a slimy, slippery horror that is waiting for you in Central Park.
The fish is a snakehead fish, though you may know it as "OHMYGOD!" According to NBC, it was first spotted in Central Park "several years ago," though signs have only recently gone up around the park's Harlem Meer telling fisherman not to throw it back if they catch one.
The New York Department of Environmental Conservation advises you specifically to ice this motherfucker (an invasive species native to Asia):
If you catch one, DO NOT RELEASE it. Kill it immediately, freeze it and report your catch. Take a digital photo if possible.
Kill it IMMEDIATELY. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. Just pull your unregistered handgun out of your windbreaker (who's to say what's legal in a world where fish run free?) and let loose a hail of bullets. Cart the monster's lifeless body back to your apartment and stuff it into your freezer. Have a friend snap a digital photo of you standing in front of your freezer holding all of your icecreams (you had to take them out to make room for the giant lakebeast you have murdered) and email it to the New York Department of Environmental Conservation so they can come give you a high five and congratulate you in person.
While there have been no reports of the fish eating people, there's no way to be absolutely sure that they don't eat bad kids who don't listen to their parents. (That one's for you, parents! Read this paragraph aloud to the children you have raised so poorly.)
May God have mercy on all of our souls.
Except the monsterfish, which has no soul because it is the DEVIL.
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