Motherfuckers Just Want Protein, Any Protein

Americans, who value both rippling muscles and a staunch philosophy that science is the devil, will purchase and consume anything emblazoned with the word "PROTEIN." And it's not just us—the whole world is crazy about these amino acid compounds!

The always-exciting/evil global food industry is currently moving as fast as possible to produce as much protein as possible for you, the voracious consumer. The Wall Street Journal reports that mergers and consolidations among huge food corporations are being driven primarily by everyone's drooling, uncontrollable desire for protein.

Big tubs of whey protein? Sadly, no. Poor people who see their economic status rise want to start eating more meat; rich people who are obsessed with appearance want to cut carbs and replace them with meat. Global food companies will invest in more and more livestock. Which, by the way, contributes to global warming, and is terrible for the environment. Not to mention being terrible for the animals, in terms of them being dead.

"The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization has projected that by 2030 the average person will consume about 99 pounds of meat a year, versus 86 pounds in 2007 and 73 in 1991," the Journal reports. You fools. Think of the animals. Think of the children. Think of the indigestion. If you want protein, all you need is a huge tub of protein powder, dozens of eggs, and perhaps a touch of cannibalism here and there, for variation. Save your heart. Save a pig. Don't be a mindless sheep, eating sheep. Go vegetarian, before it's "too cool."

Photo of naked vegetarian celebrity in provocative pose goes here.

[Pic: AP]