Gawker
Alpha kitty and fancy kept woman Atoosa Rubenstein is too busy to shop for her Christmas presents in the real world: "I've got things to do, places to be, an online fashion series to launch on Friday." Cannot. Wait. In the meantime, though, we can follow Atoosa's clicking from one department store website to another via her 'Creative Consumer' column. The goal here isn't bargain-hunting, she explains: "I'd rather pay double whatever those early-morning shoppers saved to avoid the rush. Yes, it's a luxury even to make a statement like that. But this column is about just that: cyber-shopping the luxury market." Despite this stated cash-burning ethos, though, the 'Toos is not all about frivolity. "For a shopping site to get an Alpha Kitty Meow of Approval ... it really ought to have a charity (or at least a green) component."
Consistency is the hobgoblin of Atoosa's small mind, however: "Chic boxes would be a great add-on to their wonderful offerings," she later says of Amazon.com's packaging. That didn't stop her from buying her husband a Kindle, however. One Kindle has been sold!
But the holiday season isn't just about buying friends and family completely useless luxuries wrapped in gaudy packaging from sites with some sort of "green component." "Drumroll please. ... The U.N. Refugee Agency is where I did 90% of my 'shopping.' As an immigrant, I realize how lucky I am to be in the United States and to be writing a column about 'luxury online shopping.' Giving this as my main gift is a way of showing my gratitude." Showing and showing and showing, yes.
Comments
She's giving Minnie Fay another Alpha Lobotomy.
I hope the 'Toos approves of the packaging for that Sharper Image Deluxe Weed Whacker/Arm Hair Trimmer I sent her.
The UN refugee agency? Isn't that where Brangelina got Sahara from?
Do gift certificates count as 'charity'?
I had to return my Pakistani refugee. He was a little too green.
@LolCait: der her her.
When is she going to get her nose done? I know that I shouldn't be pushing plastic surgery, especially as a woman, but come on! It would be a public service.
MEOW of approval? This metaphor just overextended itself.
I'll say it while everyone else thinks it: I would rather see 24-7 coverage on JA/JL than this god-awful 'thing'.
@collegecallgirl: Actually, I just coughed up a LOLhairball of disapproval.
I can has meowmixed metaphorz?
I'll bet that's one of those short denim jackets she's wearing - the urban matador. Silly. Pointless.
@collegecallgirl: It doesn't stop there. Atoosa now poops in a (g)litter box and has given herself Feline AIDS. Also, she's scared of certain shadows and the vacuum cleaner.
"But I don't want to shop like a refugee!"
When is Alpha Kitty hunting season opening? We really need to thin the heard.
All this talk about christmas, and Alpha Cats? Alpha Cats! Atoosa is a hebrew. If Art Spiegelman were dead he would be rolling over in his grave.
@LolCait: And she only comes when she wants to.
"green" websites + MEOW of approval = something to do with kitty litter.
Who knew the 'toos was anal expulsive?
@LolCait: Damn. You are good. And NOW the metaphor is over-extended.
@Koala325:
Hey baby we dont...have..to shop like a refugee/don't have to shop like a refugee..
@notthatpopular:
Actually, the Toos is Iranian. Muslim. WHich is better? Worse? Indifferent?
Are those hobgoblin teeth?
@raphaela: What's wrong with her nose as it is?
@hypocriteoath: But the Toos has a better rack than either of those two.
@lizzybennet: Rubenstein? Are you sure?
I wish the Toos would stop bringing up the fact that she is an immigrant. It is forcing me to believe that the crazy, right wing might actually have a point about immigration.
@LolCait: And when she does a stinky boom boom, her attorney wipes her butt.
Hello Kitty has no mouth. No one can hear her scream with despair over Atoosa's feline metaphor.
@LolCait: Oooh! I'm totes sending her a Roomba!
(Also, perfunctory Debbie Downer waah waah to feline AIDS.)
Atoosa...Medusa....coincidence? I think not.
When I am brought to trial for finally tracking down and strangling this waste of flesh and a rich husband's money, I will use the Gawker defense.
I wanted to make some kind of "buy a refugee" joke, but everything in my head came out trite and/or racist.
@NotJaffo: Here, I'll be trite, racist and sexist: can you imagine the size of her fucking bush?
Forgive me if I'm the 500th+ person to mention this, but isn't Atoosa a dead ringer for Jigsaw from the "Saw" gore movie series?
Uh, I've been all over that UNHCR site, and I can't find the store anywhere. URL PLEASE? OK THX BUY!
Don't 35 year-old women who spend their time writing to 15 year-old girls online get arrested?
@notthatpopular: she's a married lady yo.
I hate saying this but I find her antics so much more entertaining than JA.
@notthatpopular:
That's her husband's name. Smart of her to take, it too. Many have made this error. her maiden name I couldn't begin to recall how it's spelled. Beghnar or Baghngar or something.
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