Love at first sight.

You know you need some Tucker Carlson in your life. And if you don't, pretend for the sake of the children. That's right, everyone's favorite loofah-less conservative talk show host is back with a new show on MSNBC. Last night, they gave Tuck a proper welcome on — where else? — the Upper West Side. So we dressed special correspondent Noelle Hancock and Village Voice photog Jennifer Snow in the proper gang colors and sent them across town to the West Side Brewery to cover. After the jump, a healthy dose of CNN bitch-slappings, NYT's Jennifer 8. Lee, and Al Sharpton.

So here's the backstory: Tucker Carlson was formerly the host of Crossfire on CNN. Then Jon Stewart called him a "dick" on-air, he had a falling-out with the higher-ups, and decided to peace. MSNBC scooped him up, brushed off his knees, and gave him a new, less militant-sounding show called The Situation with Tucker Carlson. Oh, and he's worn bowties every day since he was 13. You have to love a guy in a bowtie. Or tell everyone he wears it to keep his head from falling off, like I did that guy in middle school.

Tucker arrives in a black SUV Olsen twin-style. Later he will hit Butter and then pretend to eat at Nobu.

Killing two birds with one stone, organizers hire a referee to take the pictures in case Jon Stewart shows up.

Tucker tries to decide between "I Will Survive" and "It's Raining Men." Always a tough call.

There's a very odd sartorial dichotomy in effect. The men are wearing suits, but most of the women look like they're about to hit Senor Frogs or Carlos 'n Charlies. Early into the party, Tucker takes the stage and issues the requisite donkey-punch to CNN. I want to thank Rick [Kaplan, President of MSNBC] for rescuing me from my previous life. His promise when I started was that I was going to have an excellent time," says Tuck. "Going to work was not going to feel like showing up in the middle of an ongoing labor dispute. Previous jobs have been that way."

This is all getting very 50 Cent vs. The Game. To maintain his street cred, Tuck should hire a posse of honkeys to carry his umbrella and straighten his bowties when necessary. And maybe some women on leashes for good measure.

Researching her article "Listening to Your Body: Can You Hear Me Now?", Times writer Jennifer 8. Lee ingests her cell phone.

Jennifer 8. Lee's next article: "The Man-Hug"

Standing across the room is Raj Bhakta, former Apprentice lothario and Tucker s bowtie buddy (Doesn t the Bowtie Buddy sound like something they d sell on QVC, probably in tandem with the Topsy-Tail? Anyway.) For once, his neck is nekkid. I figure I d let Tucker be the only one wearing a bowtie tonight, he says. It s his night. He says business is booming and starts naming off all the projects he has in the works, and I totally tune-out. How else has his life changed post-Trump? I have beautiful women like you with recorders in their hand asking me questions. He s such a liar. Other reporters aren t as pretty as me.

New York Times "Boldface Names" writers Campbell Robertson and Paula Schwartz are disappointed to find only underlined and italicized names.

Don't cross Elizabeth Spiers, or she'll make you the new editor of FishBowl. Shudder.

The reason the man is talking to this woman has nothing to do with her legs.

Photographer Jen Snow takes a picture of Raj talking to a women who s putting on lipgloss. "Oh, that's going to be a great picture!" she angrily snaps.

"Yes, Jen says, "it is."

"You can't do that, you know!" Lipgloss says, getting pretty pissed.

At this point, Raj puts his arm around Jen s waist, near her ass. "Yes, she can, he says. "She can do anything she wants."

DuWop Lip Venom: Not a metaphor.

"Please put your feet in the stirrups, Mr. Carlson."

Talk to the hand, cuz the face ain't listenin'!

"Excuse me, but are these blankets at least 400-thread count?"

When asked to name his most offensive guest, Tucker says it's a tie. [Former Congressman] Jim Traficant grabbed the floor director and demanded that she kiss him. Then she screamed and he screamed back at her. Then his toupee shifted on his head and he ran backstage and yelled at the makeup artist. Barney Frank yelled at a producer and made her cry on the set. He s one of the most unpleasant people I ve ever met.

"Where are the test-tube shots?! You said there'd be test-tube shots!!"

NYDN gossip columnist Lloyd "Cherry" Grove and my saggy tits.

What? Is there something on my face? A bat in the cave? What!?

Al Sharpton arrives to much fanfare and the camera dudes start following him around. He s going to be the first guest on Tucker s new show. Tucker and I don t agree on anything in the world, Sharpton tells Gawker. But I do believe that he believes in what he says and I respect believers. I had a friend back in high school who dropped acid until he believed he was a glass of orange juice. Respect that, Al.

When asked whether he ll run for President, he gives the ole We ll see in 08. But any minute it looks like he s going to go Naked Gun on us, pull a gun out from under first base and start chanting, I must kill The Hillary. I must kill The Hillary...

Raj Bhakta and Al Sharpton wish they'd worn the blue instead.

On the weekends, the one in the middle likes to hit Bungalow and "get her groove on."

NYDN owner Mort Zuckerman, Tucker Carlson, and Al Sharpton: "You're more fabulous!" "No, you're more fabulous!" "No, you!" "You!" "Youyouyouyou!..."

"Al, how many innocent straws have to die before the deli owners realize that NO ONE uses them when drinking canned soda?"

"Yeah, baby, I'm going out tonight! My boys and I are gonna pick up some bitches! But I'll 'jump on the grenade' if I have to cuz they're my boys! Speaking of, who's up for Irish car bombs?"

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, who're we kidding? We counted at least five.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Bottle of Peroxide

Tuck Everlasting no more! The tie is undone and the shirt is pulled out. This constitutes "letting loose" on the Upper West Side, folks.

You've had too much to drink.

Before leaving, I ask Tucker if Jon Stewart will be appearing on his show. "If he wants to come on, absolutely!...I haven t seen him in awhile...I mean, yeah...You re not gonna suck me into this! I m going to exercise self-control for the first time in my life!"

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