Now that our [SEMI-SPOILER ALERT!] preferred ending for the Sopranos has been rendered impossible—we were really looking forward to Christopher killing Tony—we're not quite sure how this crazy is going to end. Herewith, our best guesses.
Tony wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette. It was all a dream, and he's a psychiatrist in New York. And he's actually Peter Bogdanovich who has bad body image issues in his dreams.
Tony beats up Carmela and then gets fired from his job with the mafia after the press finds out he's actually beaten up women before, all because Jeff Bewkes (played by Arthur Sulzberger Jr.!) wants to keep his promotion.
Tony, breathing heavy, trips over his bathrobe coming down the stairs, and ends up in heaven, which is a suite at the Bellagio. Drea de Matteo and Steve Buscemi are there and make him do this weird agonizing pilates-aerobics in bondage for eternity, because it isn't really heaven.
Tony gets strangled to death by angry ducks.
Trash-talking, eye-rolling tough gal-pal Rosalie Aprile moves into a big building in uptown Manhattan with her buddy Cynthia (played by Julie Kavner!), and Tony comes to visit when ratings are low, which is often.
When disgruntled Paulie breaks off to begin his own empire, with the support of the New York gang, Tony pins a note to his chest and hangs himself in the office of the Bing. Later Sydney and Jane join a cult run by Traci Lords and someone steals Jo's baby!
At the advice of his shrink (who he finally bangs) Tony steps down as head of the family. An in-house poll is conducted about who should be the capo, with Paulie and that guy with the crazy plastic hair in the lead. (Oh yeah: Silvio.) A winner is decided while the two guys are sitting there... and... CURTAIN.
Pregnant Meadow and her new boyfriend Meathead move to California. Carmela dies, and Tony moves in with some Peruvian day laborers and learns tolerance.
James Gandolfini goes over to Lorraine Bracco's apartment, which is piled to the ceiling with newspapers, and she opens the door wearing nothing but a tattered cream-colored nightgown, a .45 in one hand. Because she's totally crazy. Then the two go and kill Tim Van Patten, the worst television director in American history.
Tony dies.
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