Turns out that guineas all over the country are mobbing up to donate to the campaign of America's Cousinfucker, Rudy Giuliani. That's right: This morning's Post reports that Eye-ties across the nation are so excited by the prospect that someone with a vowel on the end of his name might be president (yes, yes, Millard Fillmore, give us a break) that they're taking time away from their busy schedule of wifebeating and "sanitation" work to drop money into the Giuliani coffers. Still, we found the Post's lead—"Rudy Giuliani for president. That's amore!"—to be lacking in whatever the wop version of je ne sais quoi is. Herewith our suggestions; probably you can do better.