Gawker
Rod Townsend records the gays in and around their natural environment of Fire Island and reports back. This is the time, and this is the record of the time. Put your hands over your eyes.
EXT. BAY BAR
The Sunday noon crowd at Bay Bar consists of those running in and out to get iced coffee products and those sitting at tables enjoying iced coffee products. VISORGAY, wearing olive drab cargo shorts and a navy mesh Nike visor, sits with TANKGAY, in olive drab cargo shorts and a robin's egg blue tank. They are at a prime table overlooking the harbor and the boardwalk that runs along it. Across the water, unidentifiable shrieks can be heard.
TANKGAY
It's a kid.
VISORGAY
No, it's a dog.
TANKGAY
What kind of dog?
VISORGAY
An unhappy dog.
TANKGAY
I'll take an unhappy dog over an unhappy kid.
VISORGAY
What is with all the kids this year?
TANKGAY
I don't know, but they're everywhere.
VISORGAY
(In a radio announcer voice.) It's Kid's Day every Sunday in Fire Island Pines. That's right. Kids drink free.
TANKGAY
(Laughs.) Bring your kid and get a free bottle of WET!
NASTYPLASTY hops up the stairs and into Bay Bar. He wears over-sized sunglasses and thermal shorts with the words "Nasty Plasty" on the elastic band. They are cut off at the calf. The thermals are covered by leopard-print running shorts.
Look at her!
VISORGAY
(In an affected Kimora Lee Simmons-esque accent.) She has got it going on!
TANKGAY
Obviously has a need to be the center of attention.
NASTYPLASTY darts in, comes out with an iced coffee product, and then runs down the stairs. At the same time a group of MIDDLEAGED GAYS in assorted polos and reading glasses gets up from a back table. They leave a stack of newspaper and magazines behind. TANKGAY goes to the abandoned table and takes the reading material to his table. TANKGAY takes the Economist; VISORGAY takes Time Out New York.
VISORGAY
The podcast is in British?
TANKGAY
Yeah. The other day. What was it? Oh. (Affects a British accent.) The American performing ah-tist, Fifty-Cent. Fiv. Tay. Cint. I'm like, "It's Fiddy. Fiddy!" (He looks at VISORGAY's Time Out.) Before I moved to New York, I used to think that was the best magazine.
VISORGAY
Which one?
TANKGAY
The one you're reading. When I lived outside New York, it seemed like a lifeline, but now I think it's just awful.
VISORGAY
Maybe it's because you live here now. Hmm. No. I think it's gone through a little downfall. Now it's just useful. It's a tool.
TANKGAY takes a Blackberry Pearl out of his pocket, and pushes several buttons.
VISORGAY
That's too much info. I read the first sentence of any text message and then I almost always just delete it.
TANKGAY
No wonder my phone isn't working right. All that downloading.
VISORGAY
Exactly. Delete, delete.
BOTH thumb through sections of Sunday's New York Times.
VISORGAY
No. Well. (Closes one eye and knits brows.) I don't know. I don't think so.
TANKGAY
Me either. It's cold there.
VISORGAY
It's cold here. Right? It's cold today.
TANKGAY
You probably got a little sun on your run. Did you bring your shirt?
VISORGAY
No. (He rubs his chest and very slightly tweaks his nipples.) I like the attention.
Previously: The Pines Party
Comments
Slow news gay.
I feel like I lived the low-budget version of this when I saw Cece Penniston at Jacob Riis this weekend. Similiar conversations, way less clothing.
begs the question: How do you spell a lisp?
I like this as sort of the ambient background to a Robert Altman movie. I kept waiting for Lily Tomling and Tom Waitts to enter, rambling.
@LolCait:
You mean with "I'm Easy" playing in the background?
@depardoo: Yes, absolutely.
Also, LolCait, I really do prefer the work of Lily Tomlin to that Tomling girl.
That was bleak.
I am so grateful to you Momo for saving me thousands of dollars and helping me to avoid the hideousness that is Fire Island.
I just got a talking-to by my boss for LOLing at "The podcast is in British?" Thanks a lot, Rod.
Thermals and leopard-print running shorts? No she don't...
Yes, she do!
@scarletmenace: Don't get me wrong. I love Fire Island. And I love my gays. Sometimes I love my gays while in a hot tub on Fire Island.
@Clare: No worries. I'll hire you. Any experience traveling to/from Bolivia or swallowing filled condoms?
"Obviously has a need to be the center of attention" why is it whenever someone uses that expression, it seems like they are green with envy?!
The kid's name is Modern? Why wasn't that on the kids name lists we came up with? (or was the an adjective to describe the child?)
@hfree: I so thought/hope it was Modern!
"Also, here is my daughter, Rococo."
@AndIAmTellingYou: Do she?
@LolCait:
Have you met my youngest, Non-Representational American Luminism?
@depardoo: oh, great. There goes my evening.... (getting out DVD of "Nashville")
I first read VISORGAY as VISIGOTH. Works too.
Illiterate gays are funnier.
This series performs a real public service. Every time I read an entry, I have less internalized homophobia, as I realize how many deserving targets there are for the externalized variety.
Maybe it's because I'm gay myself, but I'm not sure I understand why these two are funny or deserving of ridicule. Is it because all of their names end in GAY?
@Aatom: you were the one wearing the thermals, weren't you?
This is why I don't wear a bra in the office [tweaks nipples blatantly].
What!? No.
@k122n: I'm allergic to leopard print, actually.
I love the Laurie Anderson quote.....was actually going to use "this is the time, and this is the record of the time" as my high school yearbook slogan.
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