• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

The FBI file, obtained under the Freedom of Information Act, shows that the FBI launched an investigation into a murder-for-hire plot against Marshall's son, who was battling with Smith over his father's money, in 2000. Agents interviewed Smith, who "began crying and denied ever making such plans," according to the records. They also apparently tapped her telephone conversations and searched her home, confiscating a handgun, a knife, and "for reasons that were not explained, a black and orange hat described as ''Dr. Seuss.'"

In the end, they didn't find enough evidence to make a case, the investigation was called off, and Smith got her Dr. Seuss hat back. The younger Marshall died of natural causes in 2006. Or did he?

• Tyra Banks sat down with Larry King last night and revealed her deepest, darkest secret: she likes being naked. Unless the lighting's bad. Then she goes on a Naomi-esque rampage. Also, she's not Oprah, although Tyra tells King he doesn't need to use her last name. [CNN]
  
  
• Paparazzi under attack! Two photographers claim Tom Brady and Gisele's security guards opened fire on them after they shot pictures of the super couple's post-wedding bash in March. Now they want $1 million. [NYDN]
  
  
• Director Mike Tollin, who has a football-centric documentary coming out on ESPN, argues that Donald Trump killed the short-lived, 80s-era United States Football League, of which his New Jersey Generals were a part, by having it compete with real football. Trump, naturally, dismissed Tollin's work as "third-rate." [Page Six]
  
  
• Big congrats to underrated couple Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr: they just welcomed their first child, a girl named Buffy. Psyche. the little bundle's being called Charlotte. [Us]
  
  
• Someone hired Alexandra Richards to DJ for three hours, but she left after nearly 40 minutes so that she could eat dinner with friends. Then, when the club refused to pay for the whole time, Richards charged by the minute. We know prostitutes that do that, too. [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Harrelson became a vegan to fix his acne. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chloe Sevigny has found herself a new man: Jason Segel, who's on that show that also stars Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother. [Page Six]
  
  
• Howard K. Stern's in even more trouble over Anna Nicole Smith's death: prosecutors will reportedly five more felony charges against him for his alleged role in her descent into drug addiction and "pharmaceutical suicide." For the record, that's a total of 11 felony charges he's facing. [TMZ]
  
  
• Geri Halliwell wants the world to at least think there could be a Spice Girls reunion. Maybe to keep us all in line? [3am]
  
  
• The perpetually confused Mischa Barton was going to the opera the other night, saw a red carpet and just started walking it, then realized it was the Alice Tully Hall premiere of Michael Moore's new movie and then booked it to the opera's venue, a little place called the Metropolitan Opera House. Poor thing. [Page Six]

• She's unlucky in love and the frequent butt of jokes, but now that her dog's dead, Jessica Simpson's friends think the singer "will put her into the worst place ever" and send her into a "tailspin." The final straw comes in many forms. [People]
  
  
• The investigation into Anna Nicole Smith's death took some twists this week. Court documents reveal that a pharmacist tried to warn Anna Nicole Smith's doctors that her over-the-top pill-popping was bad news. One described the drugs prescribed after her son's death as "pharmaceutical suicide." Meanwhile, court documents show proof that the doctors — psychiatrist, Dr. Khristine Eroshevich, and internist, Sandeep Kapoor — had sexual contact with Smith.[LA Times]
  
  
• John Travolta will take the stand in the Bahamas today to testify in a trial against a paramedic and lawyer who are accused of using information on his son's death to extort $25 million. [People]
  
  
• Nick Prugo, the 18-year old who police think broke in Lindsay Lohan's house, was spotted hanging out with the actress on the set of her straight-to-tv movie, Labor Pains. Prugo, by the way, was busted for cocaine possession back in February. [TMZ]
  
  
• Mad women were trying to get into Barack Obama's pants during the campaign, and that really pissed off Michelle. So, what did the future first lady do? She gave him the silent treatment. And, maybe, had a female campaign staffer sent into exile on Martinique. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tax dollars well-spent: The Clinton tapes reveal that secret service agents once had to maintain order when a drunken, underwear-clad Boris Yeltsin tried to hail a cab to go get pizza. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff went to the hospital this weekend because of ear infection medicine, not booze. That's what he says, at least. [Page Six]
  
  
• All of the Los Angeles Lakers have been invited to Khloe Kardashian's wedding to forward Lamar Odom. [TMZ]
  
  
• Oh, the humanity! Anna Wintour had to sit next to Alexa Chung and Pixie Geldof during a show at London's fashion week. And she doesn't look happy. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin's broke down in tears recently because she was filming a talk show, is going through a divorce and misses her eight children. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chaz Bono, who's currently transitioning from female to male, will write a memoir called Coming Clean. [TMZ]

Image via sparktography's flickr.

Federal District Judge Denny Chin's ruling—which denied much of Cosby's request for summary judgment in her favor—is notable for many things, including its decision that it's not defamatory per se to call someone a homosexual anymore (Cosby wrote that Stern gave Larry Birkhead a blowjob). Progress! But who knew that federal judges are now adding artwork to their decisions? The image above is from the ruling as it appeared on PACER, the federal court system's electronic filing system. Weird, huh?

Cosby wrote Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death as a quickie for Hachette's Grand Central Publishing in 2007, and basically blamed everything on Howard K. Stern, reporting that he was blamed by Smith's friends for her death and that he was gay for Birkhead. Stern is suing her for $60 million, and to judge from Chin's opinion, he's got a case:

Among the facts that will go before a jury: After Stern filed his lawsuit, Cosby went to the Bahamas to attempt to gather evidence for her claim that, according to Smith's former nannies, Smith used to sit and watch a tape of Birkhead and Stern having sex. Seems she actually didn't do that before publishing the book, and the nannies denied it. According to depositions quoted in the rulling, Cosby offered to pay two of them to file affidavits supporting the story, which they refused. Chin says that is "extremely troubling" and looks like Cosby was "attempting to obstruct justice by tampering with witnesses."

In other revolting lowlife-libel news, Joey Buttafuoco plans to sue his ex-wife Mary Jo Buttafuoco over allegations in her new horribly titled book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. How do we know? Mary Jo Buttafuoco's publicist issued a press release trumpeting the threat. If Joey Buttafuoco is suing over it, it must be good! Actually no, it's not. It's awful.

Government prosecutors say Smith's boyfriend and lawyer Howard K. Stern (pictured) funneled the model prescription drugs, as has been suspected at least since the time Stern arranged a creepy video of an apparently drugged-out Smith, in clown makeup, entertaining a frightened child.

Stern has been charged with eight felonies, as have two of Smith's doctors. One of them, psychiatrist Khristine Eroshevich, wrote prescriptions for Smith under false names, but claims that was only "done for privacy reasons."

When Smith died, there were 11 bottles of medication in her hotel room. Some 600 pills were missing from prescriptions issued over the prior five weeks, most in Stern's name, according to AP.

As irresistible as the case is to voyeurs and the news media, it's likely got some political upside as well: California attorney general Jerry Brown, likely running for governor soon, is pressing the case.

Now that we're all on the same peace-on-Earth-goodwill-towards-etc. page, we'd like to share with you something very special, courtesy of the One D at a Time blog: It's our favorite Christmas Angel, Anna Nicole Smith, smiling down on us from the paralyzed lap of her new respirator-assisted, zillion-year-old boyfriend, God. But the real star here is not Anna Nicole, nor is it Kathy Griffin—back in the days when she really did trawl in bottom-feeding D-list waters—getting into a mildly diverting spitting match with Howard K. Stern.

No, the featured attraction here is Shelly, Anna Nicole's cousin from Mexia, who offers a rendition of "The First Noel" that could only be rendered more exquisite if Kathie Lee Gifford started inching into the frame, one finger pressed firmly to her ear as she added soaring harmonies. The video cuts off right before Shelly's striptease, but One D has some amazing screengrabs of Anna's kin, festively shaking her funcoinpurses with abandon.

God bless us, every one!

• Merry Christmas! [One D at a Time]

He justifies his rationale in the ET interview above, though we don't really see why he feels the need to. It's the next logical step for young Dannielynn, who made her TV debut at age 0 being pried out of her mother via C-section, and who now closes the Circle of Reality Show life on the very same network that pushed her mother's career to the next level. We mean—what's the worst that could happen, right? [ET Online]

L&S: So why are you selling it now?
Larry: You know, I always said I’d never sell, but the longer we’ve been here, the more I’ve realized it’s not built for children. We live over a canyon, and while the view’s great, there’s no backyard. I’ve bought Dannielynn every toy under the sun, but they can’t replace a yard. She doesn’t have a place to have her friends over to play.
L&S: You’ve kept an entire closet of Anna’s clothing, accessories and jewelry. Is that another way of preserving her memory for Dannielynn?
Larry: Yes. Every piece in there has a story. Someday, I hope to show them all to Dannielynn and tell her what event her mom wore them to and what they meant to her — from the casual T-shirts to the fancy dresses. I want her to understand how beautiful and glamorous her mom was.

We have no doubt Dannielynn eventually will, once she's old enough to fully grasp the concepts of beauty and glamor, but before the time she's able to operate a DVD player. Until then, she'll just play among the Anna artifacts randomly strewn about in a meticulously art-directed fashion, blissfully unaware of the stories every urn, cherub, and leopard skin gown would tell if only these inanimate objects could talk.

• Saying goodbye to Anna Nicole [Life & Style]

"I think about life in a different way," he reveals. "I had kidney stones and was in the hospital for a week in July. I was freaking out thinking, If something happens to me, Dannielynn is by herself. I'm all this little one has left."

"I'm so paranoid medically with what we've been through," Birkhead tells Us. "If she has a sniffle: straight to the doctors. Anna had a fever when she passed away."

Birkhead is being wise to keep an eye out for the pitfalls that befell Anna Nicole. We'd even suggest he intervene should his daughter start bonding with any outrageously flamboyant, Asian-interior-decorating toddlers she happens to meet at daycare.

• EXCLUSIVE: See What Anna Nicole's Daughter Dannielynn Looks Like Now [Us]

Larry Birkhead paid nearly $3,000 at an auction Saturday for lingerie worn by late ex Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy shoot.

Birkhead explained he paid $1,800 for a pink bustier and $1,000 for a white negligee because he wanted to give their 1-year-old daughter Dannielynn a keepsake of her mother.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," he told the Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career.

"You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road," he added. "It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."

While others might condemn Birkhead for buying Anna Nicole's used underwear (the sort of skeevy practice usually reserved for Japanese businessmen), we applaud him. Sure, a bustier is a little provocative to give to a one-year-old, but this is the same child Anna Nicole underfed to keep "sexy." We imagine Birkhead is merely carrying out Anna Nicole's wishes, and we look forward to the day that dad and daughter can truly bond: by watching extended outtakes from Anna Nicole's role in the deliciously terrible Skyscraper.

• Larry Birkhead Buys Anna Nicole Smith's Old Lingerie for Dannielynn [Us Magazine]

"Birkhead bought a pink bustier for $1,800 and a white negligee for $1,000 at the auction, run by Julien's Auctions and held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

"He was awarded custody of Danielynn after Smith died from an overdose of prescription drugs in February 2007. She was 39. Birkhead said he hoped the items would help his daughter learn her mother's life story—when she's old enough.

"'You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road,' Birkhead said. 'It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon.'" [AP]

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

• LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

First, we present the predictable lot: Courtney Love, who Us claims "supported herself by stripping" after not fitting in at the girls reform school she attended. Then there's (RIP) Anna Nicole Smith, whose sordid past will soon be making its way to a television screen near you, followed by rapper Eve, who Us quotes as saying, "The money was good...I don't regret it at all."

But about those three Oscar noms? As for the guys, Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem, we'd pay good money for those shows. But Renee? Eh, ten years ago maybe, but we fear a pole could quite possibly break her in half these days.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage]

• STARS' SECRET STRIPPER PASTS [Us]

• Nasser Entertainment

Estate executor Howard K. Stern, meanwhile—whom you may or may not remember ignoring a child's pleas not to exploit a drug-addled Smith for a zombie-clown video—tells ET he's established the Anna Nicole and Daniel Wayne Smith Charitable Foundation: "It will benefit charitable causes that Anna Nicole supported during her life: children, the elderly, and the treatment and cure of AIDS. Hopefully it will grow, help more people each year, and eventually be headed by her daughter Dannielynn," an exciting possibility we're sure will come to pass just as soon as Birkhead figures out how to take a fair cut of whatever Stern's pulling off the bottom line.

• Foundation Pays Tribute to Anna Nicole [ETOnline]

For starters, there's the sickening voiceover ("this is as close as [Dannielynn] will come to her mother") and the fact that Birkhead hasn't gotten around to taking care of a gravestone for Anna Nicole yet (it's nearly been a year!). Then there's the whole issue of compensation (if anyone who knows how much money traded hands here, please email us). Lastly, there's truly atrocious outro promo copy ("for more on Danniellyn's visit to her mom's grave, go to [URL redacted] and click the 'Get It' button!"). Nice work, jackals! Now excuse us while we go hurl.

As for the Britney story, that AP piece seemed a bit silly to me. Preparing _any_ 20-something, or even 30-sometime [sic], is a bit of a stretch. No matter how reckless they are, they are far less likely to die in the near future than countless 80-somethings. Meanwhile, the 20-somethings pursue careers so anything you write gets stale fast - not so for most 80-somethings. Finally, it's much easier to get biographical information on deadline on a young famous person than an old famous person. So the upside to writing Britney is slim, unlike herself.

After joining the church under his homo guise, Halperin discovered it wasn't mainly sexual reparation that scientologists wanted; it was their cash. Former scientologist Michael Pattinson, who joined hoping to 'straighten' out, spent over 500k over 18 years, with no results. He's since sued. This 'auditing' process is vaguely "based on the weird science fiction theology espoused by Hubbard," says Halperin. "Members are expected to take very expensive courses" in order to be "cured." "I found that just about everything about the Church is about money, which makes them not much different than most religions."

But on to the actual celeb scoop. After a 1991 article in Time came out claiming John Travolta was being held hostage in the church, scared that by defecting, they'd reveal everything he'd confessed to them about his homosexuality, he announced his engagement to Kelly Preston two days later. 17 years later, he's still a proud card-carrying member.

As for Tom Cruise?

"The cure was certainly not reserved only for gay men. I was told that the Church would occasionally marry a lesbian celeb off to a gay male celeb, thus killing two birds with one stone. As for names, that shouldn't be too hard to figure out."

The good news? Anna Nicole Smith wasn't as dumb as we thought she was!

"Anna Nicole wanted to join the Church and was strongly considering it until a friend told her about the Church's attitude toward gays. Anna, who was bisexual, decided not to join in fear the Church would reveal her most intimate secrets if she defected."

• Hollywood Undercover [Amazon.com]

Today, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT spoke to Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead as they shared their continued grief for Anna Nicole Smith on what would have been her 40th birthday.

Stern, whose own birthday is tomorrow, told ET, "My only wish is that Anna is celebrating her 40th birthday with Daniel and Howard (Marshall) in heaven and that they are able to experience the beautiful development of Dannielynn from above. Then I know that she would truly be at peace. She was more extraordinary than words can describe. I will never stop loving her."

Birkhead reveals that he plans to commemorate Anna's birthday with Dannielynn, "We will have a private family celebration to remember Anna. Time still hasn't healed the wound of her untimely passing, as she truly was one of a kind. We miss her dearly."

If we know Birkhead, this "private celebration" is sure to be no less spectacular than the one he threw for Dannielynn's first birthday—a three ring circus swarming with clowns, magicians, and ET cameramen, with more little-girl pearls than you can shake a pink ballerina tutu at. Stern's commemoration, however, promises to be much more subdued, involving two individual cupcakes sitting at opposite ends of a dining table at her empty Bahamian estate, with her clown video looping in the background as the wistful lawyer savors the carefree, Anna-drugging days of yesteryear.

• Remembering Anna Nicole Smith's Birthday [ETOnline]

Mark Schey, the president and CEO of creative agency 22Digital, which created the "TRIMSPA, Baby!" slogan, tells Us that through his "good, professional relationship" with Smith he often helped her post fan videos on her personal website "as a courtesy kind of thing." He claims he was not paid, however, and that he wasn't present at the Bahamas video shoot.

"It could have been something [Stern] intended to put on [her website]. He would give me instructions, 'edit this, don't do this,'" Schey tells Us [...]

Robin Bonnema, a spokeswoman for TRIMSPA, tells Us: "Mark Schey is not an employee of TRIMSPA. He owns his own company and TRIMSPA has contracted Mark on occasion for TRIMSPA-related events. The video is not a TRIMSPA event, nor is it related to TRIMSPA in any way."

Whatever Stern had in mind for the tape—perhaps a pay-premium AnnaNicole.com feature allowing fans to indulge in their naughtiest catatonic-Bozo fantasies?—we're at least relieved to know it wasn't a Trimspa-sanctioned production. We shudder to think of the vomited-up diet shake images that would have emerged if it was.

• Anna Nicole's Producer Found, Explains Disturbing Clown Tape [Us Weekly]

Smith then quickly descends into incoherency, mistaking the toy doll in her arms for her own baby, and her real pregnancy as "just gas." Stern, meanwhile, rattles off instructions about background noise, white levels, and unusable boob-slip footage to a cameraman named Mark, ignoring the nine-year-old as she pleads with him to, "Cut the tape off and help...I think we need the hospital...Howard, seriously—please help." Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to curl into a fetal ball on the floor of a scalding shower and lie there unblinking for several hours.

• Geraldo at Large [FoxNews via RedLasso]

Cosby, meanwhile, faces a $60 million lawsuit from Howard K. Stern, the man she accuses of having engaged in videotaped intimate relations with Larry Birkhead. Now two of the sources she cites—Haitian nannies employed at Smith's Bahamian home at the time—are denying having said anything of the kind. The author has flown down to the Bahamas to see if she can't jog their memories; in Cosby's defense, however, the French term for "oral sex between men" is just one consonant off from another word that means, "to come to fisticuffs over the honor of a shared woman," which could go a long way towards explaining the nannies' confusion over the matter.

• Smith's nannies didn't speak to author [Yahoo/AP]
• Blonde Ambition [Amazon.com]

• Video: Rita Cosby Served with Papers [InsiderOnline]

ANNA'S EX SUES OVER GAY CLAIM [AP]

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern, filed a $60 million libel lawsuit Tuesday against Rita Cosby and her publisher over a book she wrote that claims Stern and Smith's ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, had a sexual encounter.

The suit, filed in federal court in New York, seeks $10 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages from Cosby—who wrote "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death"—and Hachette Book Group USA Inc.

With the gauntlet thrown down, Cosby's best hope at this point is to finally locate the rumored and elusive video capturing the "compromising, intimate position" enacted by the two Smith hangers-on; otherwise, the $60 million sex-act will remain relegated to the category of myth, despite being the most satisfying make-believe blow job Stern has ever not received.

• Anna Nicole Smith Book Prompts $60M Suit [AP/Breitbart.com]

The long-awaited inquest in the Bahamas into the death of the son of former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith will begin on October 30, and could last two months, a senior judge in the Bahamas said on Monday.

Bahamas Chief Magistrate Roger Gomez said at least 35 witnesses were expected to give evidence, including Smith's longtime lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern. The inquest would be conducted by Magistrate William Campbell, he added.

Just what the inquest hopes to uncover regarding Daniel's mysterious and tragic death—whose one-year anniversary was marked by a number of paparazzi-documented visits to his distant grave—is uncertain. We only hope none of those 35 witnesses is Dannielynn, however, as the much-exploited one-year-old is probably not yet equipped to handle a Bahamian prosecutor's pointed questions about what incriminating behavior she recalls witnessing in a hospital room just hours after her birth.

• Bahamas to hold inquest in death of Daniel Smith [news.yahoo.com]

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money." [...]

Speer adds, "I was with Larry when he went to meet Howard at the Horizon mansion [in the Bahamas]. It was a secret meeting, where he got to see Dannielynn. ... I heard Howard tell Larry that he'd give him custody of the baby if he [would allow] Stern to remain as executor of the estate. Larry said, 'I'll think about it.'

It seems to us hasty to presume Birkhead harbors purely opportunistic motives, simply because a cemetery visit was accompanied by tabloid photographers insisting he tilt his head up and give his best "Why not me, God?" face. Until Speer recalls the evening he witnessed the chunky-highlighted new dad holding up a check and purring to his supposed former nemesis, "How about a romantic lobster dinner for two, courtesy of my Oscar-caliber acting ability and that nosy teen you expertly disposed of, Mr. Hunky Lawyerstein?" we'll refrain from rushing to judgment.

• Guard: Larry Birkhead posed at Anna Nicole's son's grave [nydailynews.com]

The still unnamed reality show project is under development at the E! network. It will focus on Larry and baby Dannielynn's life after Anna Nicole Smith's death, according to a TV insider.

"Larry's on the verge of signing with E! for a show that could be on the air by next spring," a Hollywood source told The NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Committing to tape every misadventure of the miracle baby who poops hundred dollar bills as she enters the terrible twos sounds to us as can't-miss a reality TV scenario as we can envision: Yes, The Larry and Dannielynn Show promises to post spectacular ratings for the cable network, filling the gaping hole left in E!'s tabloid-star-exploiting roster since The Simple Life 12: High-Security Mental Facility Orderlies! failed to secure a spot on their schedule.

• NATIONAL ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE: LARRY BIRKHEAD SHOPPING REALITY TV SHOW [Nat'l Enq]