Ian Halperin, the writer of unauthorized biographies on Celene Dion, Kurt Cobain, and James Taylor, penned a piece for the Daily Mail in which he claims to have predicted the death of Michael Jackson six months and one day ago. It appears that he might be telling the truth. There's a lot inside the article, so we'll run it down, for you. Some of it might have full-bodied shades of truth, some of it could be totally off the mark. At the very least, though, it's all pretty fascinating:

- Ominous Prediction: "Had he not been driven – by a cabal of bankers, agents, doctors and advisers – to commit to the grueling 50 concerts in London's O2 Arena, I believe he would still be alive today."

- Jackson's Exhaustion: He was preparing for a string of concerts nobody in their right mind could've thought he could've completed. While leaving a Burbank studio, he reportedly told fans: 'I don't know how I'm going to do 50 shows. I'm not a big eater. I need to put some weight on. I'm really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do ten.' One of his former employees weighed in to Halperin earlier this month: "It's like he's not in control over his own life any more."

- Dr. Tohme Tohme: Jackson's official spokesman as of last year. Incredibly seedy. Refuted a claim Halperin made that Jackson had six months to live, back in December. Tohme called it a "complete fabrication." An important player in all of this, if only to indicate the people Jackson was surrounded by near the end: "Tohme has been alternately described as a Saudi Arabian billionaire and an orthopedic surgeon, but he is actually a Lebanese businessman who does not have a medical license. At one point, Tohme claimed he was an ambassador at large for Senegal, but the Senegalese embassy said they had never heard of him." At one point, Tohme (associated with the Nation of Islam, more below) threatened an auctioneer's life if he didn't postpone an auction of Jackson memorabilia.

- Image Protection: Jackson had a huge collection of wigs that he used out in public to hide his graying, thinning hair.

- Mental Health: Feelings of despondency and suicidal thoughts started surfacing after his latest acquittal from the 2005 sexual molestation trial involving Gavin Arvizo. He was close to a "complete nervous breakdown." He was being fed "pills like candy" by those around him, who were described as "enablers." He was worried he would end up dying like Elvis (a claim backed by Lisa Marie Presley). He wasn't eating and had nightmares of being murdered. His drug of choice was OxyContin. Then there's this: "On June 21, Jackson told my contact that he wanted to die. He said that he didn't have what it would take to perform any more because he had lost his voice and dance moves. ‘It's not working out,' Jackson said. ‘I'm better off dead. I don't have anywhere left to turn. I'm done.'"

- Halperin/Jackson: Halperin began his work with Jackson believing he was guilty, but changed his mind as time went on.

- Jackson's Sexuality: "It is clear to me that Michael was homosexual and that his taste was for young men." He had two secret lovers, supposedly. One was a construction worker who he went on rendezvous with at a seedy motel in Vegas. The other was a young aspiring actor he invited over to his place in LA for late-night trysts.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.- Jackson's Health: He had "Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency," which is a genetic condition that leaves the lungs vulnerable due to a lack of protein. He was receiving injections of a treatment made from human plasma that were fairly effective in combating his condition. Halperin claims sources inside the Jackson camp confirmed that this would explain the wheelchair and surgical masks Jackson could sometimes be seen in public with. He'd lost an abundance of weight in the last few months. People were worried.

- Finances: The Bahraini sheikh Jackson crashed with after the last trial sued Jackson for repayment of what Jackson thought was his "hospitality." Jackson settled on the night before it went to court specifically so his exact financial condition - miserably bad - wouldn't come to light. The only reason any attempts by Jackson to work were made over the last four years were for money. At one point, he was convinced by those around him that he could make a comeback and "be the king" again, however.

- The Beatles' catalog: One of the more insane claims Halperin makes: the only thing standing between Jackson and bankruptcy was his ownership of the Beatles catalog with Sony. Sony's dream was to own the entire thing themselves, and could've repossessed it, but didn't because they were afraid of the bad press it would get them (and potential sales it would cost them).

- Jackson's Will: He has upwards of 200 unpublished songs, the sales and royalties of which are for his children to live off of. His will's going to reveal Jackson's desire for his kids to stay with Jackson's 79 year-old mother, Katherine.

- Nation of Islam ties: Jackson's kids' nanny, Grace Rwaramba, had ties to the Nation of Islam and Louis Farrakhan. Rwaramba was supposedly the "Queen Bee" in Jackson's camp. The Nation of Islam supplied Jackson's security detail and started running his affairs. Farrakhan's son-in-law was Jackson's business manager for a few years, but his role diminished.

And there's so, so much more. Halperin's got a book to promote, and again, there's no telling how many of these claims are going to pan out to be true. But a lot of them are certainly strange and sad enough to be true.

The Michael Jackson story (and the story of how it's going to be handled) is going to stay a bizarre, sad one. A week ago, a Michael Jackson joke was classic if not outdated, another pop culture bar room punchline. And now the reality is that these punchlines might manifest themselves into something much more uncomfortable: the truth, without the protection of settlements and PR cover. Maybe Jackson's going to get the sympathy of a public - or a portion of the public - who went from unconditionally loving him to stigmatizing him overnight. Or maybe it's just going to get worse. This one - the way pop culture reflects on Jackson, on his music, and on his legacy - is still very much being written.

'I'm better off dead. I'm done': Michael Jackson's fateful prediction just a week before his death [Daily Mail]

The untimely death of someone like Jackson, a once in a generation worldwide superstar, is one of the few things that can possibly breathe new life into the balance sheets of a slowly dying tabloid media industry. Remember, not only was Michael Jackson a star of Elvis proportions, but he was an insanely weird star of Elvis proportions, perhaps the weirdest star the world has ever known (Even weirder than Elvis himself!) or will ever know, with a long personal history filled with scandal.

Here's something key to remember on this—In the United States of America, the dead cannot be libeled. Only living individuals can sue for libel. So I can run around all over town saying that Millard Fillmore used to fellate goats in the White House if I chose to and there's absolutely nothing that Millard Fillmore's descendants can do legally to make me stop saying it.

Now just imagine how many sensational Michael Jackson stories are out there waiting to be told that were never told before out of fear of being driven into financial ruin with libel lawsuits tied up for years in the American court system. Surely there will be people looking to sell their stories now, and surely there will be tabloid magazines that will scrape up whatever cash they can muster to buy these stories, even the most marginal, and slap them on their front pages under provocative headlines. They will sell by the millions, even in a down economy, because Western society has an insatiable appetite for celebrity scandal. It makes us feel better about our own wretched lives when the curtain is pulled back on those in the spotlight to reveal souls that are just as dark and tormented as our own, if not more.

But it won't just stop there.

In the days, weeks and months to come we'll be bombarded with more Michael Jackson television specials, print media special issues, commemorative products, re-releases of albums, etc. than most of us can stand. And then of course the more traditional media will recycle some of the stories dug up by the aforementioned tabloids and their reporting of those stories will bring in viewers and sell copies of newspapers/magazines. What you've seen just in the last 12 hours or so, what with the release of Jackson's death photo and the second by second movements of his corpse being reported on live television, is only scratching the surface.

Now to be fair, we at Gawker certainly aren't exempt from any of this. It's no secret that our revenue is generated through advertising dollars based on a rather simple metric—How many eyeballs are seeing the site on a regular basis. We will be covering the coverage of the story, and perhaps adding to the story here and there, as we always do, and stories like this one tend to spark tremendous public interest. Just look at the spike in traffic we experienced yesterday from all of this as evidence. This is all a part of what former Gawker editor Choire Sicha (or maybe it was Emily Gould?) termed, "the celebrity industrial complex," and we as consumers have no one but ourselves to blame for it. If we ignored all of this stuff it would probably go away, but we don't, so it doesn't. In turn, those of who work in media serve it up on a plate for the masses eager to consume it. Then we all medicate ourselves silly so we can get through the days and sleep through the nights and the world spins madly on. It's just the way we live now.

If only we'd all take a moment to step back and listen to the words of this contemplative visionary, perhaps the world would be a better place.

Times Square pic via Animal New York

ProPublica is an independent, non-profit newsroom that produces investigative journalism in the public interest. Our work focuses exclusively on truly important stories, stories with "moral force." We do this by producing journalism that shines a light on exploitation of the weak by the strong and on the failures of those with power to vindicate the trust placed in them.

Heh.

[ProPublica. OKAY it's also about patients' right to privacy and the reporter wrote some of it while he was on staff at the LAT. Don't ruin the joke.]

Jaxson has been a publicist for the likes of that one girl from The Cheetah Club for Girls or whatever, plus he attempted a gossip site called J.J.'s Dirt that, well, never went anywhere. He and his mother used to be professional talk-show guests (discussing Jaxson's deadbeat dad), which prompted Jaxson's fame-hunger and pushed him toward the gossip industry. Mostly he's popped up on Jacksonville, FL local news broadcasts and rehashed celebrity news that everyone already knew as if he'd just scooped it. Perhaps sensing the tidal change away from the scuzzy pink celebrity trashing of yesteryear, Jaxson has shifted his efforts toward a wiser and self-reflecting view of show business.

Because the memoir has worked so well for esteemed figures like Tori Spelling and Chelsea Handler, Jaxson is sending out a proposal for a book sadly titled Don't You Know Who I Am Yet???, a look back at his rollercoaster life and career. In the very-rough drafts of chapters he sent to us, Jaxson issues ruminative ruminations on his troubled childhood:

It was ... my obsession with the happiest hours of my life, the Rosie O'Donnell Show that kept me desiring fame, as I thought it would be my escape to always be financially secure and finally make a life of my own with friends that could last a lifetime. This is when I realized how it may be possible for me to finally meet my father on a talk show while aquiring that 15 minutes of fame I had always desired.

Then he moves on to hissy, non-scandal celebrity outings and partying stories:

Bungalow 8 was the place I met Ms. Mary-Kate Olsen. I was extremely disappointed in finding out that the Mary-Kate I was meeting was cocained up and completely wasted on booze. It was sad really. Really sad. It was during NYC Fashion Week that I was there with celebrities, Kim Kardashian, Chudney Ross, Evan Ross and Cuba Gooding JR.

Finally he urges the reader that he is d-u-n done with all that drama. Because he's been in it, man. He's been in the shit. But now he's seen the light.

Chapter 10: The 16th Minute
(Life beyond fame; making a difference; maturity)
The sucidial moments, the emptiness, the feeling of being lost, development of sever anxiety and the multiple turn of events that made an impact on my life to write this book and begin a new chapter and focus on my life.

Unfortunately for Jaxson, even on the off chance that some tiny publisher does mimeograph a few copies of this thing and distribute it at rest homes, it'd still be a few years too late. That gum bubble has burst, leaving everyone, but some more than others, looking pretty sticky.

OK's UK edition this week: the "Jade Goody Official Tribute Issue." "Final Words"! I guess "1981-2009" is a fair guess, but uh, patience is a virtue? Jade Goody remains annoyingly alive.

Whether alive or dead, she's fully owned by OK! The mag bought the rights to her wedding last month for an estimated 700,000 pounds, and then refused to allow her friend and biographer to attend it, because she worked for a different magazine. No word on whether Jade can sell the actual moment of her death separately, but if so, OK! is sure to snap it up for a(nother) final edition. Shame and repugnance do not exist!

But she moves a lotta magazines, alive or otherwise!

[Guardian, OK]

"The day you find out is fine," Imus said. "But the next morning when you get up, your knees are shaking. I didn't think I could make it to work."

He speculated that the cancer could be a result of stress.

Sad. Wait, they let Don Imus back on the air? When did that happen? [NYP]

According to the American media (consisting of reporters who are high, mostly), Japanese authority figures are totally peeing their pants right now because marijuana arrests are on the rise among Japanese youth. Even among athletes! And famous people! And most disappointingly, among college kids! Dude, it's a nation of lightweights:

While hard numbers are difficult to come by, marijuana use in Japan appears to be low compared with other countries. In a survey of 85,000 households from 17 countries published last year by the Public Library of Science, a nonprofit group based in San Francisco and Cambridge, U.K., only 1.5% of Japanese respondents said they have used cannabis, compared with 42% in the U.S. and 18% in Germany.

You. Ess. Ay. Baby. That's right. Japan simply cannot hang. They banned a famous sumo wrestler for life, for being caught with weed. They'll jail you for five years for simple possession. And when an "elite private college" in Tokyo caught some kids growing hydro in the bathroom, the entire nation's educational philosophy was shaken to its very core:

"We thought university students had more conscience," said Juichi Shimomura, a director in the bureau of welfare and public health of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government. "Now we realize they have to be taught just like everyone else."

Japan does, however, retain its world title in "Embarrassingly Drunk Businessmen." [WSJ]

Al Sharpton and Gov. David Paterson are criticizing Delonas' cartoon today, but Post editor Col Allan is backing up his favorite artiste, issuing this statement:

The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to wit the shooting of a violent chimpanzee in Connecticut. It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy. Again, Al Sharpton reveals himself as nothing more than a publicity opportunist.

Way to stay in character, Col. Unfortunately, we couldn't find Delonas' classic depiction of mayoral candidate Freddy Ferer "on his knees, kissing the rear end of a grotesquely obese Al Sharpton" anywhere online. [Update: A tipster mailed it in and we've added it below] But you can enjoy these blasts from the past. [Have more Delonas favorites? Email us!]

That pregnant transgender man—what are docs supposed to do with this freak? (This one was so clever he drew it twice)


A gay dude who married a woman—what next?


Muslim terrorists love Democrats. What else is new, huh?


Gays: Sheep fuckers.


Gays: Stereotypical prancing beacons of corruption.


Gays: They're destroying marriage, but at least they're not as bad as Liza Minnelli, who is a woman but nevertheless married David Gest, who is a prancing gay.


Women: Whores.


Gay pride? More like cross dressing freakazoids! Amirite?


Rosie O'Donnell is a fat butch lesbian. Haha.


Heather Mills has only one leg. Haha.

And Al Sharpton has a big ass. Which likes to be kissed.

1) "Which disturbed loser is more of a cad than we thought? He's spilling the beans about his former flame's kinky sex habits to anyone who'll listen. " [Gatecrasher]

2) "This really could be something that is not a blind item, but the person who gave it to me really wants it as a blind rather than with a big screaming EXCLUSIVE all over it. I don't have the why yet, but it is supposed to be very interesting. You have a B- list television actress from one of the best television ensemble comedies of all time and she is getting divorced from her well connected industry husband who has had a sporadic career despite his connections. Even though they have a very, very, very young child the marriage has no chance of making it." [CDaN]

3) "Which singer held up rehearsals for a sporting event after getting overly friendly with a fan in the changing-room showers?" [Mirror]

4) "Which actress pretends to loathe the paparazzi, but actually has her publicist call them to staged photo ops? Her unsuspecting celebrity boyfriend can't understand how the paps know exactly when they will be walking the dog or going to the market or how they know every other private move the couple makes. Well, we're going to provide Mr. Naïve with a big box full of clues. Your girlfriend is known as a successful TV actress, but her film career has been less than stellar. Since her own career and life isn't interesting enough to warrant lots of attention from the paps, she needs you in the photos with her to guarantee publication. Every time you are going to do anything together, she makes that stealth cellular phone call to her PR flack, who in turn notifies the press." [BlindGossip]

Please note: These could all be scams. Or more likely, a mix of scams, waiters trying to sneak you in the back, and broke reporters trying to make a buck off their extra press passes. Okay!


Most Expensive

"Project Runway Fashion Week @ Mercedes Benz IMG": $750

A slew of options including Marc Jacobs, William Rast, Zac Posen, and others: $600

Caroline Herrera: $599

Project Runway: $500

William Rast: $399

Cheapest

Tadashi Shoji: $80

Bineth: $69

LEIFSDOTTIR Presentation: $69

Loris Diran: $59

"I am a hot female with blonde hair and big boobs looking to go to fashion week": $1

Perhaps not coincidentally, there's expected to be less star power than usual at Fashion Week this year. [Pic via]

The South Carolina house party was last November. The photo of Phelps went public last week. This freaked out the local SC sheriff, who launched an investigation, the stupid hick. Now kids are going to jail! Probably while exclaiming, "For what, dude!"

We've now learned that since investigators began trying to build a case, they've made eight arrests: seven for drug possession and one for distribution. These are arrests that resulted as the sheriff's department served search warrants.

We've also learned that the department has located and confiscated that bong.

Sources say the owner of the bong was trying to sell it on eBay for as much as $100,000.

Wow that sucks. Thanks for coming to the party Michael Phelps! Thanks for enforcing the law so fairly and voraciously, Sheriff! What a drag.

Not charged so far in this case: Michael Phelps. [WIS News. Pic: Star]

New Yorkers, your #2 bachelor: Steven Rubenstein, the New York Post's own flack. Huh. We'll leave all the commentary here implied.


Former MSNBC dude Dan is already going out with Renee Zellweger. More importantly he's already engaged...in a perversion of journalism. Pervert!


"Ron needs a woman who can be 'uptown' at galas and 'downtown' in the bedroom." Good god. Should not be allowed.


There's no denying that Keith, the most important writer of our time, possesses a sufficient amount of literary fameballdom to make the list. But he lives in Russia now. Sorry ladies.


The wealthy young Facebook founder is the perfect catch? But he lives in California. As does his girlfriend. Sorry ladies, pt. 2.


[They also referred to HOT BACHELOR painter Jules de Balincourt as "Jules Bettencourt"]

This marijuana scandal is the biggest story to hit South Carolina since Reconstruction, so naturally the state's largest paper is on the case—bringing you inside the college frat party where Phelps met his fate:

The game that Monday night in November was high-stakes "beer pong," a drinking game in which players lob Ping-Pong balls into plastic cups.

Michael Phelps was betting big - and losing.

"I saw Phelps pull out a roll, a bank-wrapped $2,000," said Michael Whitworth, who had been invited to a house near Five Points after his band played a show at 5 Points Pub (now Sudworks Taphouse).

"He said, ‘I'll match the $2,000,'" Whitworth continued, referring to Phelps. "Good ol' Phelpsie lost it, too."

Haha. Dude. Really. You lost $2k playing beer pong? Also, did this kid really say, quote, "Good ol' Phelpsie?" So many things in South Carolina are hard to believe. The paper, after much investigating, does not succeed in ID'ing the photographer of the famous photo. But it does succeed in proving that despite being an internationally famous millionaire Olympic champion, Michael Phelps still only feels confident in his ability to pull drunk college girls:

Tyson Sellers, a USC student who was at the Blossom Street house later in the week, wanted to take a photo of Phelps.

The Olympian declined, saying he couldn't be photographed while drinking. But Phelps did agree to speak to Sellers' mother - a big fan of his - on the phone.

When Sellers was at the house, he said, he didn't see any marijuana smoking, but said Phelps had "a lot of girls around him."

Although the alternative is, he goes Hollywood and fucks Paris Hilton and does lots of coke and hangs out with Ashton Kutcher. So we hesitate to tell him to get "cooler" friends. [TheState.com; Pic via Star]

Even the celebrities who do theoretically have a level of fame sufficiently high enough to provoke a large number of fans to buy their branded tennis skirts or perfume or t-shirts or other crap are seeing their projects fold. The smarter ones just do endorsements; for the greedy ones who couldn't do without their very own brand, business sucks right now. Thanks to the recession (they hope).

Even celeb lines that were selling well have been pummeled. Low-price retailer Steve and Barry's went bankrupt last November and will liquidate all 270 of its stores this year, leaving Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten line of clothing — perceived to have been a hit — without a retail partner, at least for the foreseeable future. Other Steve and Barry's refugees include Amanda Bynes' Dear line, tennis star Venus Williams' Eleven and surfer Laird Hamilton's Wonderwall.

Not Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten line of clothing! Daisy Fuentes is struggling, too! And LL Cool J's Sears line might even go out of business, now that it's, uh, done its job of saving the company. The only way to be successful now is to be smart. Rip people off:

Pop star Gwen Stefani's fragrance Harajuku Lovers is technically more expensive than her first top-tier scent, L, but is being sold in bottles five times smaller than the industry standard, and therefore at lower prices per unit. Harajuku Lovers, launched in September, quickly broke into the top 10 fragrances this holiday season.

Math! [Ad Age]

Agency Spy broke this important news of the Republican prostitute shilling for the discount retailers. And what do you know?:

Ha. Hahahaha. Please, please let this be authentic. It is, at the very least, someone who has studied Vincent's particular brand of discourse quite closely. And remember, from his most recent public offering of his own company:

Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused. However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. No way Jose.

So there. [Agency Spy; Vincent, email us to confirm or deny!]

Knowles claims that the wicked cinematographer was "light tweaking," moving lights during the filming, which is a big no no on fancy movie sets. And Bale, well he was filming "the emotional center of the film and his character for the film." Right. The big, all-important emotional center of a film about evil killer future robots that is directed by a man named McG. (Also, it has the word "Terminator" in the title.) Thus the cinematographer, Shane Hurlbut (heh), deserved to be horribly berated at length for distracting the normally zen-like Bale. Hm.

We know that there are always two sides to every story, and they're not always fairly or equally represented, but come on. The proof is in the word pudding. Bale hurling off a string of fucks while calling someone else unprofessional is... lame. Even lamer is a blogger-type trying to ride the counterculture wave and suck up to this "coolest dude ever!!" of action stars by essentially saying "we know, the little people always get in the way, don't they?" Knowles says that he has inside information from the set that Bale was the "utmost gentleman" for the duration of the shoot. Until, you know, he said fuck eighteen times in thirty seconds.

Knowles later shut down comments on the site, because it really shouldn't be up for debate. This was a private, sad moment:

Can you imagine cameras documenting your every attempted private moment. This moment was something that occurred in the heat of a moment on set between professionals. The audio is so clear on Christian, that it's obvious a mike was on him or a foot and a half above him. These are the sorts of moments that are private affairs. Yet somehow, because he's an actor. We feel it's permissable to air his dirty laundry. It isn't our business. It isn't anybody's fucking business.

That ought to win you some free passes or some sweet merch, Harry!

Our favorite sentence in the little hand-wringing apologia has to be the explanation of how Knowles came across his insider info:

I know this because I happen to be somewhere where someone that was there that day and for the shoot is.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN???

• In a metaphor for the New England Patriots' season, Pats quarterback Matt Cassel went to a Super Bowl party and got peed on. [Gatecrasher]
• "Though [heiress] Courtenay Semel beat up [lesbian lovah] Casey Johnson... and set her hair on fire last month, the lesbian lovers spent a romantic week together at Sundance." Good to know. [P6]
• SHOCK: Brandon Davis, rich wastrel and Lindsay Lohan enemy known primarily for being a stupid rich club kid, was spotted "grinding on some bimbos" in a Hollywood club. Will he be able to recover from this scandal? [P6]
• Britney Spears has a designated prayer area to pray before each concert. This makes abundant sense. [Mirror]
• Loudly bisexual Genre editor Neal Boulton is "bringing gay to the straightest part of Brooklyn by teaming up with the straight guys who run South Brooklyn Pizza for a Monday-night gay night called, and you'll laugh, Fondle." Ha. Another funny true story: Neal Boulton rips off his freelancers. [P6]
• The former fiancee of Drew Peterson, famous wife killer, tells the CBS Early Show today that her engagement to him was just a stunt on his part, so he could be in the media. After much consideration she's decided not to be engaged to him, because of the stunt aspect, and also the penchant for wife killing.

While you could chalk up the fury over Winslet's mawkish acceptance speeches to cultural prejudice, this latest wave of vitriol, epitomized by a typically restrained offering from the Daily Mail's Liz Jones, is somewhat more mysterious. Much of it seems to center on Winslet's body — or, more accurately, the fact that she still pretends to be normal when she obviously puts Hollywood-level effort into keeping svelte. "It is the duplicitousness that enrages me and most other women I have spoken to," says Liz Jones, claiming that Winlet's repeated disingenuous claims to comfort with her image grow wearisome. What's more, Jones implies, the actress is ungrateful, biting the normal hand that fed her:

But Kate? Surely she is more normal than most? Why would she give up that unique appeal, as vital to her success as Angelina Jolie's lips and hips are to hers, and give up that appeal so completely and utterly so that she has become, in my opinion, as drippy and as impossibly vain as the rest of them?

There are several odd things going on in this critique. Perhaps most strikingly, why can't we leave actresses alone? Kate Winslet has not broken up marriages, made (many) terrible films, or swanned around in pelts — so we can't even pretend a measure of moral outrage. Has she done anything but been around for a long time and, as a result, said a lot of different things and looked a lot of different ways? And even then, we're not talking claims of virginity for life or bizarre, Xtina-style makeovers. There's a petty bitchiness to the criticism that feeds into the worst woman-on-woman stereotyping. Might some of us feel a measure of disillusionment that a Hollywood movie star wasn't, in fact, exactly like us? Winslet after all belongs to the small society of Hollywood types who we tacitly believe, despite the trappings of success, secretly nudge-wink understand that the industry is stupid, that most of what they're dong is vapid and that they could give it up in a moment. And, sorry, it's not the case. Most of us feel stupid when we have one of these moments of disappointment over a public figure we've never met. Others, apparently, write self-righteous columns.

Perhaps the strangest part of the diatribe is that Jones never once comments on Winslet as an actress. And isn't it this, after all, which has kept Winslet in public esteem? We get angry with Jennifer Aniston because her persona, onscreen and off, is the same: Winslet is actually an actress. Even those of us who found Titanic tripe, consider this year's award-winning turns to be overwraught, and have no great love for Little Children, have at least one Winslet performance we love, and can acknowledge that she's a risk-taking talented actress of tremendous versatility. Maybe she's not our "best friend" anymore, but she doesn't need to be: she's a performer, and a good one. (For best friends, we have Kat Dennings, who's obviously totally normal and exactly like us...right?)

Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world's most irritating actress? [Daily Mail]

Earlier: English Not Amused By Kate Winslet's Acceptance Speeches

Growing up in the Toronto suburbs, Mr. Brown learned piano, but gave it up at age 12 for guitar, after hearing the Beatles' "Red Album," and becoming obsessed with the group. Like many Beatles fans, Mr. Brown was fascinated with the opening chord of "A Hard Day's Night." The chord has at least four sheet music variants, but nobody has ever quite replicated it, and the Beatles haven't revealed how they produced the complex sound. Mr. Brown said he spent hours experimenting before it occurred to him: "Music is basically just math."

Once he deduced that, it was only a matter of weeks of insanely technical calculations before he figured out the chord was made with a piano, and a guitar. Now he's moved onto rendering Beatles songs on graphs, another insanely technical and time-consuming process.

Brown has thus far not become a rock star as the result of his work. [WSJ]

Jasper (pictured at far left, with Kanye and Karl Lagerfeld and the crew) got so mad about anonymous internet commenters calling him and his crew "gay" because of their colorful photos from Fashion Week that he struck back. On his blog! (Post title: "Watch What You Say To Me"):

People were saying that we dress "gay" and that we're "clowns" among other things. And for the record, aint NONE OF US "gay"or a "clown".

Okay, fine. And to illustrate his point he posts the following video, from the gun range.

We pop them thangs too, don't get it twisted....
I'm not on no tough sh!t, I just know how to defend myself. I learned how to shoot guns correctly in my highschool R.O.T.C. class.

He's also prepared to defend Karl Lagerfeld, if it comes to that. [via Animal NY]

Activity Day from ibn jasper on Vimeo.

When he's not arranging flowers with Martha (presumably in an exceedingly clean way), Peter has so many other hobbies! He was a member of the classic hip hop group V.I.P. Party Boys, makers of such hits as "Sugar bRitches.":

Not that there's anything wrong with being a party boy. But there is something wrong with being perhaps the worst aspiring contestant on the White Rapper Show—so bad that Jimmy Kimmel, of all people, feels justified in mocking your flow:

And was that Peter doing his strip tease on Pants Off Dance Off? Yes, I think it was (watch if you really want to).

Good for Peter for doing his thing, I guess. But as for you, Martha: You want beef? It's beef, oh yea! We're onto you and your inferior brand of rapping florists. Come on. You can do better. I hear Redman makes lovely bouquets.

[Thanks to tipster S. You have plenty of time on your hands.]

Leveraging the gossip column franchise into something other than just a gossip column has long been a problem for the Post. The Rupert Murdoch-owned paper first tried to launch Pagesix.com two booms ago, and once again last year before throwing in the towel after just three months.

The weekly incarnation of Page Six Magazine was launched in the fall of 2007. The magazine did actually have some good stories from time to time—Josh Stein's autobiography! The complete Raffaello Follieri!—as well as plenty of crappy celebrity socialite fluff. But you can never have too much of that, really.

All told, it currently employs about a dozen editorial staff. We asked the Post how many (if any) are going to be kept on for the quarterly version, but they didn't respond immediately. But here's the statement with the bad news. Update: 23 people, both edit and business side, lost their jobs today.

STATEMENT FROM THE NEW YORK POST -

"As a result of the difficult economy and continuing advertising decline
across the industry, Page Six Magazine will now be published four times
a year," announced Jennifer Jehn, Senior Vice President. "We're proud
that it's a great magazine and, should the advertising market improve in
the future, we will revisit publishing it more frequently."

The last weekly edition of Page Six Magazine is expected to be in paper
on Sunday, February 15, 2009.

Susan Toepfer was reportedly fired today, just seven issues after she moved from the shuttered Quick & Simple and took over for Sarah Ivens. The entire team of sub-editors that Toepfer brought with her are reportedly being let go as well.

None of this looks good for Kent Brownridge, the former Jann Wenner deputy who joined OK! as its GM last September. We heard in November that OK's billionaire British publisher Richard Desmond actually deigned to come and personally investigate why Brownridge wasn't doing well. By December, OK! was hastily cutting back the number of issues it publishes—not a sign of profitability.

Whoever comes next has a thankless job. [Fashion Week Daily]

UPDATE: Sarah Ivens is back! She had previously gotten fed up with Richard Desmond, we hear, and went to live in Kentucky with her husband. But they've settled their differences, apparently, because she's back as EIC. Kent Brownridge, however—who was making a million bucks a year, we hear, while losing the company millions more—is out.]

1. This is not really a "music video" as much as it is a "dude standing in the studio with a portable video camera just filming John Forte and Talib Kweli while they record the track, and occasionally panning around to show the bearded engineer, too."
2. Reading the lyrics right off your Blackberry while you're rhyming, really? Hip hop changes so fast.
3. Between this and your new column in the Daily Beast and your friendship with Carly Simon, you're well on your way to re-establishing your fame, John, and we would never begrudge you that. But you need to hook back up with the Fugees somehow, or you'll never sell.

We tell you out of love! Welcome back!

"Homecoming" John Forte + Talib Kweli from The ICU on Vimeo.

Hilary Rowland is described by those who've met her as "one of those self-described 'serial entrepreneurs' who's started fifty businesses, none of which you've ever heard of." Perhaps the most prominent of those is "Hilary Magazine"—a vital publication she calls the first ever online women's magazine (sample 2006 story: "A Childhood Trapped Inside the Playboy Mansion").

She's further described as a "world champion name dropper," something that seems to be borne out by, for example, her Twitter feed. Look, she calls Richard Branson by his firstie!

According to her own bio, she also started newfaces.com, a model portfolio site. Where she has her own profile because she is, in addition to being an internet entrepreneur, an actual model!

Nothing wrong with modeling, of course. What irks people about Rowland is that they say she's an outrageous self promoting, name dropping, celebrity-hounding model disguised as an internet entrepreneur. And, apparently, a bore. According to one acquaintance, she was at a party for internet types, and her method of socializing was to start reeling off her own resume starting at age 17, running up to the present day. When someone else walked in and joined the conversation, she'd stop, go back to the beginning, and give her whole self presentation over again.

And where do her flaws manifest themselves most thoroughly? On her Facebook page, of course! There, her armada of friends can access her "hanging with friends" album, where she most casually lets you know about her good times spent with her close, personal superstar friends.

She makes the rounds of various do-gooder tech entrepreneur events, which are all more or less cocktail parties disguised as charity events. Her full-fledged embrace of this world strikes some as her worst quality of all: self congratulatory self promotion dressed up as futuristic world-saving. At the Mexico Summit, says one source, "they handed shoes out to little brown kids...in between cocktails."

These internet types are catty! It would obviously be wrong to think that you had a full picture of Hilary Rowland without spending some time with her in person. But it was time for us to bring her to your attention. The cozying up to internet millionaires; the posing as a new media entrepreneur; the shameless self promotion, name dropping, and provocative poses; she reminds us of an old friend.

Nevins and her husband, Sidney Koch, booked first class Delta seats and were headed to Sundance when Obama was scheduled to speak. But Delta told them they could watch the speech in the air! Then, tragedy:

But shortly after takeoff, many of the television monitors in first class failed, including Ms. Nevins’ monitor, [their attorney] said...

“Sidney had been watching Obama’s speech and a couple times when President Obama was speaking, the airplane pilot made a public address interrupting Obama’s speech,” said Jean Frost, an assistant executive director at the Directors Guild, who was also in first class. “Sidney got very upset at that happening and went to talk to the stewardess.”

Ms. Frost said that Mr. Koch eventually admitted he lost his temper, for which he apologized.

Haha, but the flight crew was like fuck that, and they had Port Authority police officers waiting for the "verbally abusive" Nevins and Koch, and when they arrived they were detained and questioned! Then they were released, but now they might sue Delta & Co. for being so mean and calling the cops.

Next time maybe watch the speech at home if you really want to see it? [The Caucus; pic via]

It is decidedly preferable for a Tribune Co. media outlet to underestimate its own importance these days. And nothing the Chicago Tribune or LA Times does will change the American Celebrity Cultural Disease. Lee has already made clear his belief that "SEX AND RELIGION ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT TOPICS ION THE WORLD!", so I don't know why he doesn't think he can fit celebrities into that paradigm.

Jeff Bercovici points out that, in the course of this short and inexplicable memo, Abrams managed to fall for a thoroughly discredited internet fake quote. But really, the fact that Lee Abrams is able to operate an e-mailer machine at all is so astounding that we're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

THINK PIECE: CELEBRITY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT

CELEBRITY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. What I mean here is that We can't underestimate our importance these days. We can change this cultural disease. Exciting and important time to be in the information business like the 80s was an exciting time to be in show biz....we can't blow it by offering dated TV that's over slick and cliche ridden or Print too sluggish and bland. Our position is too important.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss America 1995 from Alabama
Heather Whitestone (and she won??!!)

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Popular Pop Singer Mariah Carey

Scary stuff...we can't feed this machine. we need to work hard at being Intelligent but unconvemntional. Inspirational. Agents of change.

[Mixed Media]

[P6 says Anderson was spotted making his boyfriend sit in the back of a plane, while he sat up front. Bad form, sir.]

Curry is married; the woman in question, Nova Henry, is not his wife, but the mother of his 3 year-old son. She and her young daughter were found dead in her Chicago apartment. Curry's 3 year-old son was in the apartment alive, and was apparently a witness.

Police are searching for a "known acquaintance" of the woman in connection with the murder. Curry, who now plays for the New York Knicks, was in Philadelphia Saturday for a game. He was back in New York later that evening, distraught and contemplating a trip to Chicago, the source said.

Henry's mother found her daughter and granddaughter in the apartment, officials said.

After joining the NBA, Eddy Curry was found to have a potentially fatal heart problem. In 2007, masked gunmen broke into his home, tied up Curry and his family, and robbed them. This month his ex-driver sued him for millions, with shaky allegations of gay sexual harassment—and coverage of that story, by the way, almost got Newsday's editors fired, according to reports.

Eddy Curry is having much worse luck than karma would seem to call for. [Chicago Tribune]

The book, out next month, is by Mark Ebner and he delves into the lives of many sordid types—sloshy actress Tara Reid, solo porn star and MTV VJ Simon Rex (with whom Hilton also made a sex tape), various Playboy Playmates, and of course Girls Gone Wild impresario Joe Francis. And they all seem, in one way or another, to orbit around the great Dark Planet created by one Paris Hilton.

Hilton is infamous for the One Night in Paris sex tape that was released "without her consent" by the gentleman in the video, sleazy sideliner Rick Solomon. Rumors later circulated that Ms. Hilton was complicit in the leaking of the tape, so long as she saw some of the profits. The whole book basically paints Hilton as a duped-into-doing-it-on-camera victim for hire.

Riley, who is in prison for robbing, sexually assaulting, and blackmailing Joe Francis, says that, for sure, Hilton was in on the whole first sex tape charade. And, he alleges, it wasn't the last time the Simple Life reality stain filmed herself in flagrante delicto. Riley supposedly got a hold of several ssseeecret tapes of the nightclub fly. By, you know, stealing them from some "Russian kids" who had stolen them from her house. One tape in particular showed a litany of bad behavior: drugs, racism, taxicab fingerbangs. Riley gives Ebner some details about the tape:

Paris, of course, has said she has no idea who Riley is.

The Don, who was featured in the New York Post a while back spoke to us, interview-style, and revealed just how he uses the teachings of the large-haired New Yorker staffer to help turn any old schmo into a pussy magnet, bro.

1. Learn the lessons of Blink: "One of the things they have to understand is the girl is thin-slicing them — what they're wearing, the kind of energy they're bringing, the whole presence."

2. Analyze Gladwell's anecdotes through the prism of pulling chicks: The Don sprinkles anecdotes from Gladwell throughout his teachings. Such as Gladwell's favorite chestnut about how Mary Tyler Moore and All in the Family did really poorly with focus groups. Lesson: don't ask girls about how to pick up girls.

3. Gladwell's books exist primarily to make vacuous people sound intelligent: "The best places to find conversation is to read a lot of books, and some of the books we recommend are Blink and The Tipping Point." Even celibate fools can understand and regurgitate them, to great effect, allegedly.

4. The mere whiff of a Gladwell book cover is an aphrodisiac: The Don has not read Outliers yet, but, he said, "it's sitting on my desk."

5. Imitate the ways of the Master: The Don on Gladwell: "It comes through in the books that guy would do great with women."

Malcolm Gladwell has 99 problems and corresponding theoretical proposed solutions, but women are not a category for which such a thing is necessary, if you know what we're saying.

Skiles, who is not chopped liver, ya know, becomes the first crew member to speak to the press, since Sully himself ditched his TV appearances, out of modesty (we choose to believe). All it took was a New York Post reporter knocking on his door, in Wisconsin. Anyhow Skiles reveals that Obama was nice when everyone took pictures at the inaugural ball. But he would say that, wouldn't he?

"He was pretty much directing the whole thing," said Skiles. "He would be like, 'Michelle goes here, I go there. And now, one just with the families.' "

"He was a very, very nice guy," said Skiles, whose wife, Barbara, campaigned for Obama in their neighborhood, a suburb of Madison, Wis.

What's the connection between supporting Obama and crashing planes? Rest assured that the Post will find out. [NYP]

Relations between Chirac's wife and the petite canine, a Maltese Bichon named Sumo, however, are in crisis:

France's former president Jacques Chirac has been bitten by his lap dog Sumo, who is being treated for depression, in a dramatic incident that rattled his wife Bernadette, she told a magazine.

"If you only knew! I had a dramatic day yesterday," she told VSD magazine. "Sumo bit my husband!"

After Chirac was replaced by Nicolas Sarkozy in 2007, Sumo, you see, was probably having a hard time adjusting to life as something less than the most powerful dog in all of France. The small organism was "being treated with pills for depression," according to Mrs. Chirac.

This is all quite natural, of course. The New York Times addressed the issue back in 1981, sympathizing with the plight of presidents who have lost power:

''For many who have gone to the pinnacle of power, anything after that can seem to be a bit antiseptic,'' said Dr. Robert Cancro, chairman of the department of psychiatry at the New York University Medical Center... ''You feel anger, you think it was unfair. Depression, disappointment, bitterness are always there. There is a sadness, and a feeling of mourning.''

And if you think first dogs are any less sensitive than statesmen, you are a human-normative whore. This syndrome manifested itself just months ago when Bush dog Barney chomped a reporter, in a desperate final cry for attention. Chirac needs to give Sumo more avenues to express himself now that he's suddenly been yanked from power; it's the only way to prevent these sorts of incidents.

Or just keep the ugly ass dog tied up back by the shed. [Pic: Daily Mail]

The new cover of Star magazine has giddy speculation that Michelle Obama might be pregnant in the top right corner. They're hoping for a boy! Presumably so the new son of the Dark Prince will reign for a thousand years, bringing Husseinism to the land while throwing your money at lazy people. Yes, Michelle Obama's uterus has joined Angelina and Jen's as a tabloid topic of speculation.

Then TMZ asks us "Did Barack and Michelle ... You Know ... Do It?" And, let's be honest, we all wondered it as we watched them slow dance over and over again, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, but still. Sheesh. Presidents and First Ladies don't "do it." They "boff austerely" or give each other a "dignified rodgering." The phrase "doin' it" should be reserved for guttersnipes like the Jonas Brothers (who First Kids Malia and Sasha met again last night.). For what it's worth—which is nothing—we don't think they did. They looked "exhausted" at the last of their many Inaugural Balls. TMZ readers disagree with us, though. A resounding 73% of them think that the First Couple did, in fact, thoughtfully knock boots.

And if it wasn't already bad enough, we learned this morning that some American author living in England has written a Barack Obama musical. You know who else had a British musical written about them? Jerry Springer. Sad.

Obviously all the buzziness will die down soon enough, once people become inured to a nation presided over not by a snickering, unrelatable elf but a young, coltish sex bomb. I mean, everyone stopped clamoring over JFK's celebrity sex life eventually, didn't they? Oh. Oh right.

Quincy Jones, that perennial "music industry heavyweight" who does vague things, is rallying celebrities to his pet cause: convincing the new president to institute a cabinet-level "Secretary of Culture" position. European countries have them! And you know who might be a good pick for the position? Some celebrity! Like Quincy Jones, maybe. It's quite possible that this would be a great idea and the motives for supporting it are pure. But can Obama afford to be perceived as soft on art?

Artists of every genre were part of the new team's campaign, and are highly visible additions to the inaugural festivities. In a recent interview on "Meet the Press," Obama, a best-selling author who has Jay-Z on his iPod, said that his White House would have room for "jazz musicians and classical musicians and poetry readings."

Clearly this will not fly in times of crisis. It's not gonna happen. The more sinister dynamic is the idea that celebrities may become the new power lobby—the Halliburton execs of the Obama years. They supported him. Now they're coming to collect their payment. Culture in the cabinet! Pickup basketball games with Michael Jordan on the White House lawn! Private modeling sessions from ScarJo! Before you know it Jay-Z will agree to lead the president's council on Hip Hop in Schools but only if Obama agrees to a cameo in his new video, and the leader of the free world has no time for governing because he's off doing trifling unimportant things, like Bush, except with more black people.

Luckily we know that celebrities will be a far less successful lobby than oilmen, because there is nothing for the government to hand out right now. [WP]

Not really. [The Fader, The Fader]

Pop singer Spears and her teenage, be-babied sister Jamie Lynn used to get paid for giving exclusive content to the gossip rag, but now new publisher Kent Brownridge has tightened the belt and Spears patriarch Jamie refuses to do business with them. OK! has banned its staffers from attending any Spears-related events (State Fair pickle jar guessing contests, Arby's ribbon cutting ceremonies, etc.) as well. As the magazine industry declines on its own, its peripheral celebrity remoras will just have to fend for themselves.

Much like kinda-celebrities who survive on appearance fees, another facet of the famous face machine that seems in decline, will have to strike out alone on their own two wobbly legs a bit more than in years past. Sure some folks like Chloe Sevigny still get hefty sums to show up to parties and look bored, but New Year's Eve proved to be lonely and profit-less for many a Z-list red carpet hog. Reality stars, who rely pretty much solely on useless appearance payouts to subsidize their crappy condos, will especially suffer in this new, miserly world—in which they have no practical talent or ability. The nightlife industry—restaurants, clubs, burlesque houses—are all immediate victims of recessiony tough times, and we'd bet that some of the first things to be whittled away from budgets will be the exorbitant sums once spent to have some Real World cast member show up and do shots in between yawns.

This decline seems partly the fault of the whole industry becoming just way too transparent. Even celebrities who give their magazine hauls away to charity, like Angelina Jolie, are catching heat for their pay-me-because-I'm-famous deals these days. A celebrity who's way less altruistic, but still as public about their big money arrangements with magazines and various nightclub venues, looks to be facing some insurmountable odds—as people become grizzled and hardened by stark economic futures, these bozos' pursuit of splashy, glittery lives achieved through very little work becomes less forgivable (may we be venturing into "unconscionable" territory?) People are just too concerned with actual important things (i.e. themselves) to tolerate all of this high-gloss chicanery. (For example, last night's Golden Globes broadcast brought the ceremony its lowest ratings in 12 years.)

We'd offer our condolences to some specific peeps, only we can't remember any of their names right now.