If you suck at Keno, there's always Video Poke[h]er.

Uugh, he is wearing fake tattoo arm sleeves! That, the goggles, the guyliner...I think I'm going to be sick.

nice tattoo sleeves, dickwad.

Those goggles protect him from sharp ladies' fingernails, angry birds of prey, and his own merciless reflection in the mirror.

Why do I feel like Mystery is one day going to end up going to law school?

As noted on Jezebel, please keep in mind that those tattoo "sleeves" are of the fake arm-warmer variety.

I must be worse with women than I thought.

So the key to getting a girl is to walk into a bar, ask her about buying a ferret, immediately touch her and smell her?

I always thought "KISS tactics" involved face paint and a 12-inch tongue.

For their next field test, they try and get Mara Altman off.

When the blue-hair-spotted kid was eliminated and made his exit 'I now make an impression on people' speech, to be played off the show to the lyric nobody knows your name, I had Mara Altman's orgasm.

How can anyone say, "Find a target and kiss-close [or is it kiss/close?] her" with a straight face?

@mathnet: Is your face all charred and your hair sticking up like crazy, like you just stuck a fork in an outlet?

I don't know why I'm going to say this, but despite all the jargon and douchiness, he's essentially correct and it's a good strategy.

Ugh.

I can't wait to see the fat kid wear Mystery's Snoopy the Red Baron/Ozzy Osbourne costume.

This guy emulates Scott Weiland in the looks and fashion department. And that's not a good thing. Seriously, those fucking goggles!

@LolCait: Smoke's still coming out down there.

@mathnet: ZOMG, are you the smoke monster from Lost now??!

This guy would clearly have no problems picking up chicks in Bangkok.

@xhack: Yes, though not necessarily in that order.

@LolCait: Duh, can't you hear that?

I've seen this movie. She gave him pity panties, he charges people $1 to look at them, gets trapped in a glass table, and accidently eats a birth control pill. King of the Douches.

The producers of this show are in on the joke, right? Right?........... Right?

@hoopinion: Dude, Mystery knows that the female orgasm is about as real as the Sasquatch.

Did he make a couple of those kids get those stupid patchy blond highlights? Ugh. It's like he's training them to pick up girls at the Warped Tour in 1998. So...douchey...blech.

"Let's start off by practicing on each other. Remember, it's not gay if you do a 'roll off' at the end."

@ThighHigh:

Yeah, it's the ol "insult her til' she sucks your dick" school of thought.

Please, please, please make him stop!

Why is he touching Thom Yorke?

@xhack: Apparently the key is to sport common-house-fly-style eyewear? Are those things how he's able to see and anticipate Her Every Move?

"There is a man with motorcycle goggles and black fingernails hovering above me. He says he is teaching me how to kiss. He flexes a gauntleted forearm and stares at me. Now he seizes the hand of the walleyed, slack-jawed blonde to his left. This man's eyes fill with gelatinous tears.

"I think we are somewhere in the 213 area code. I see a palm tree beyond the wall. There are no windows in the shed they make me sleep in. We have to pee in an empty swimming pool. We are fed rotten nachos, once a week, and drink flat Mr. Pibb from rusty jars.

"PLEASE SEND SOMEONE TO HELP ME."

What really gets me is that Mystery is actually a fairly smooth operator*, and if he didn't dress like such a giant cheeseface he wouldn't be terrible looking**. He could probably have sex easily***.

*if you consider that he gets laid DESPITE the goggles/tattoo sleeves/etc.
**at least compared to his wingmen, Tweedle-Fat and Tweedle-Ugly
***in New Jersey

i'm kind of liking the Corkyesque dude in the yellow tee.

@KarenUhOh: I think that's the next episode of Unballed Mysteries!

For the final, do they just go to the police station and fill out complaints against themselves?

okay, story time.

i was recently on a trip to china for a class, and one of my classmates, we quickly discovered, was a total ass when drunk. one night out, this kid had already started getting drunk and pretty belligerent when he started yelling at me for no apparent reason in japanese, which language that chubby white boy undoubtedly learned because he though it would help him get hot asian chicks.

i took out my camera to get a video of this, and told him it was so i could go back to my room and figure out what he said. at this point, he says he'll just tell me in english what he was saying. he yells: "YOU HAVE A GIGANTIC VAGINA. A WHALE COULD SWIM UP YOUR VAGINA."

now, this kid said this without having any knowledge of my vagina, nor probably any first-hand experience with any vagina ever. i wasn't offended by this, because i knew the kid was a dick when drunk, but i was kind of shocked. but now that i think about it, and now that i've been so enlightened by this douche school show, maybe he was just trying to run "the neg" on me?

Getting eliminated is starting to sound like a moral victory.

wouldn't the show's budget be better spent on hookers? i know its vh1, but one of the guys is a 45 year old virgin. he won't be picky.

I will have nightmares tonight, I just know it.

Perhaps this is off-point, but wouldn't Mystery exude a bit more street-cred if he was flanked by two hot-to-trot women (both of whom he had implicity fucked) rather than these two (either gay or asexual) ass-clown freaks?

Will the show run an episode on what to do when you get kicked in the junk?

@far-far: New Jersey, my ass. This idiot is all West Coast.

@TheBigDoggy: I'm assuming Freakshow has slept with his two ass-clown freak assistants.

He's the guy with the 'neg,' right? Well, pal, the women have developed their own move: it's called the 'slug.'

@genevieve: Did it work?

@genevieve: You totally got negged.

Has this guy seen Magnolia? Because I feel like I'm watching the early scenes where Tom Cruise is screaming about worshipping the cock. Only in this case irony is dead and sycophants believe that writing hipster-scribble in their Mead notebooks will get them laid.

Will they have a spin off show where Mystery's chlamydia is told to attack with more confidence ?

@TedSez: Never mind the face paint, the 12-inch tongue is still working for me. Also my technique of enjoying myself when I'm around women I like and quickly leaving the vicinity of women who prefer mean guys with stubby tongues.

These threads aren't the same without Harry Greek.

Now who's gonna demand that all you girls admit that you really love guys like this?

@far-far: ****with ThighHigh

@earlytimezone:

Honey, didn't you see the schedule? THIS season, they learn to talk to girls; NEXT season, they learn to be hipsters!

You know what, I bet this stuff might actually work. And not because it should, but rather because all cultural knowledge of how to subtly approach women seems to have diappeared after the free for all of the 60s and 70s and so we are desperate for ANYONE who can be something other than obvious and boring. I'm not clear on why that involves dressing like a really really big fan of Anne Rice, but I'm sure there's some logic to it.

What I wouldn't do for a Gawker Festival to run alongside the New Yorker Festival - kind of like a Slamdance to Sundance. There could be an Authors in Conversation with Mystery and Robert Olen Butler on the topic of "douchery" that would kick the ass of that pansy Mailer-Amis exchange on "monsters" or any other assorted ass-hattery that Remnick and co. drag out.

Next week? Stanchions.
[www.das.psu.edu]

So the whole point of this show is to have sex with ladies in toilets? Because wouldn't it be easier to just hire a whore?

@SharonTaint: that guy in the yellow t shirt is a dead ringer for Eric Yellin. [gawker.com]

@