Gawker
Each week, our commenters blab and blab and blab. We used to reward them arbitrarily with a night in our Gold Star Motel. But that was just to get them to shut up. Who will listen to them? Who will care? Not us! But we know who cares: Crazed uber-commenter LolCait cares! That's right, we've set our chattiest commenter to the task of tracking the best of commenting each week. Boy, we feel for whoever's paying LolCait's paycheck at the day job.
And now, presented without commentary, for now, LolCait's socialist picks 'o the week:
"He makes a good point."
"I hated him. Then I read the Stranger article and I kind of loved him. But, let's be honest: I hate him.
If you read his whole story, though, it's hard not to include the words 'oh, Sweetie' among all the others you want to say to him. He's the sad answer to the unasked question: "What if a John Waters movie was real?"
"I dunno if 'dreamboat' is the best way to characterize Rasputin. 'Crazy old mystic with a 15-inch horsecock,' perhaps. Then again, to some folks that's the very definition of the word 'dreamboat.' To me it just conjures up scenes from Ian McKellen's Lord of the Rings dressing room that I'd rather not think about."
"Ah yes, I recall when the saloons were frequented by jaunty chimney-sweeps who had nary a penny! Now there are none but fops who ride their new-fashioned bicycles with the tall front wheel."
"I personally believe that some U.S. Americans out there in our nation don't have calendars."
Comments
And everyone else, really.
Yay! Column for LOLCAIT!
Mein Commpf!
@LolCait:
Excellent, though kind-of-whacky-in-a-LOLCait-sort-of way, choices. But might the Mathnet choice not raise the spectre of at least the appearance of impropriety?
wait, i feel all conflict-y. now if i comment on lolcait's awesomeness*, am i more in the running? or less? do i need to write in to randy cohen?
*not awesomist, but speaking of, where???
Glad to see love has lifted lolcait up where he belongs! Sir, if you didn't exist, we would have had to invent you.
LolCait, you've finally hit the big time. Vashe Zdrovie!
does this mean we no longer have to compete with him? good.
and even more LOLCAIT ass kissing?
@mathnet:
Quotations from Chairman LolCait's Little Pink Book.
@depardoo: Suck it.
@LolCait: So that's what kept you so busy yesterday.
Brills.
I think "crazed, uber-commenter" sums it up nicely. I have crazed uber-love for you, LolCait.
But where are the executions?
@mathnet:
You reign supreme.
Where is LOLCait's column/entry/whatever? Honestly, why not bring LOLCait on board as a writer?
This is exactly what Marx had in mind. Groucho, at least.
Can this column be flagged?
@IHateWhatYouHaveOn: That couldn't be sweet Cait's job. Perhaps DIEDIEDIE has been fauxmoted too?
Huzzah!
@ellagood: I am no longer eligible to win anything. Like someone who lives in Tennessee. I'll just stare at you guys from within my crumbling suite, which smells increasingly of hot dogs and Bactine.
This is a stroke of geniu
And from his Presidential Suite, he sipped his Singapore Sling and tried his best to share the wealth, all the while laughing and laughing, sometimes coughing, but mostly laughing and laughing.
@IHateWhatYouHaveOn: Will being executed now be known as being blacklisted, in keeping with this new communist theme?
@theobviouschild: Well said.
@ascot-revival: I hope we at least get to have show trials.
Hooray! I was going to stand in a bread line for four hours and trade a pair of Levis for an LolCait feature, and now I don't have to!
This is a great idea!
But if this tireless pursuit of excellence does cost LolCait his day job, Balk, will Gawker hire him?
This is a stroke of genius on the part of the Gawker editors: not only do you satisfy the legions of LolCait-admirers among us, you also have less sifting through the comments to do, without having to pay anyone.
@LolCait: Your new column is Mao bueno!
Yeah I'm much more interested in who he wants to off. Or maybe they gave that to equally addicted/hilarious Mathnet - Queen of the Damned.
So are LolCait and Mathnet Julius and Ethel, and Depardoo Roy Cohn?
@ascot-revival:
MATHNET
Honestly, my only question about executions is whether NewToJezebel will be on the list or not.
And Mathnet-I think you're brilliant, so maybe you could handle the execution/blacklist? Just take over and do it...it'll be fine...
When I look back to when the Gold Star Motel was first opened, I don't think my comment would have made it here.
But, as you did put a red ribbon on some horsecock, I guess you're felching out from the commenter hole some juicy material that I can understand.
Keeping on felchin' baby!
@MattGaymon: I can stop any time I want to.
We can call him Chainman Meow.
I love when they promote from within. Also, LoLCait does not actually work so no worries on the boss thing. He is uber-rich from arms sales and lives in St. Bart's.
@IHateWhatYouHaveOn:
I hope NewToJezebel stays. She is Sam the American Eagle to everyone else's Statler and Waldorf.
Is the hammer on the award an implicit or complicit threat?
@fakefakejazz: oh my god! the eagle's name was Sam?! that was my favorite muppet growing up and everyone thought i was insane. of course, i am...
but i had long forgotten his name.
Every time I come back here to consider making up with Depardoo, BK_KT's comment makes me laugh out loud again.
@Conbon:
You have, honestly, cut me to the quick. My attempt at humor fell flat, and suddenly I'm Roy Cohn. It doesn't get any worse than that. This is starting to feel a lot like my marriage.
@momo: Keep on felchin', with a furtitty reach-around.
Awards are for people who need awards.
Assholes like me don't need recognition to be a smug hungover motherfucker who thinks you can all suck my dick in a clown suit if you really want to make me laugh. If I were in charge I wouldn't just execute all of you, I'd find your houses and shit in your pillowcases. And fuck your sisters.
Don't bother to give me an award, I'd just send an indian to pick it up.
@depardoo: Clean the bathroom and I'll let you have sex with my lifeless body tonight.
@mathnet:
Oh, Mathnet, do, please do! Would that that IT mess earlier had continued, thus preventing me from falling into the abyss.
@LolCait: Next week, can we do what they do at the Special Olympics? All link arms and cross the finish line together!
::sniff::
@depardoo: I don't actually know who any of those people are. I'll be Senator McCartney.
@mathnet:
Now this really does sound like my marriage. Except the sex part.
@depardoo: Ho.Ly.Shit.
@Conbon:
Great, I'll be the Quiet One.
Where's KarenUhOh these days?
@BrianVan: "Assholes like me don't need recognition to be a smug hungover motherfucker"
Wow, Brian Van achieved self awareness only days later than Britney Spears did. Mazel tov.
@Choire: If only there was some kind of button I could click...
It's sort of like getting Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks to choose who wins the Oscars. Or making Paris Hilton and O.J. Simpson criminal-court judges.
@Choire: This is the best week of my life.