We'd never, ever call ourselves journalists, but a little investigative reporting* and some reader support has revealed the identity of Mary-Kate's personal leviathan. As confirmed by the above photos and a little handiwork on our TI-84 (formula shown above), the littlest Olsen's largest lover is indeed Stavros Niarchos III — or Stav, as his kitesurfing friends (don't ask) call him.

*By investigative reporting, we clearly mean the removal of our heads from our asses.

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