Gawker
Yesterday, we mentioned that a fake David Cross was running around Manhattan, impersonating the Arrested Development actor and comedian so as to nail some chicks (in fact, we think our most recent Gawker Stalker sighting may, in fact, have been a sighting of Fake David). Cross, rightfully disturbed and disgusted by this hipster-charlatan, writes us:
Hi,
David Cross here. So, about this Imposter guy running around trying to get free drinks and get laid by saying he's me - There is a simple way to identify him/me. And first of all how fucking creepy is this? What a double douchebag! As well as possibly a potentially dangerous person. Anyway, up until last friday night I was in a 3 and a half year long relationship with my girlfriend whom I was very much in love with [Ed: Whoa — talk about burying the lede!] and wouldn't have gone home with anybody much less taken them back to "my place" (I just got dumped, so ironically I am now single and this guy is really encroaching on me).
Full imposter-detecting instructions from Cross after the jump.
But here's how you can instantly tell whether or not it's me - ask to see my tattoo. It's on my right arm/shoulder and it's an intricate depiction of a Max Fleisher-esque smiling pig standing upright and serving you his own ribs straight from his open chest (because let's be honest, I love bar-b-que). There is a pool of blood and entrails by his feet and in a bit of pure tattoo genius, the pig has his own tattoo of the Kosher "k" in a yellow star on his shoulder. If this guy won't show that to you or he doesn't have that tattoo, call him on his shit and humiliate him in front of everybody.
This whole thing really pisses me off and I am truly very sorry if anything untoward or worse, unfunny, was done in my name. I will try to make it up to you if I can (hint, hint ladies). Sorry, that last thing was a crude and tasteless example of something this guy might say. As the guy on Hill Street Blues used to say before everyone went off on that day's assignments; "Let's be careful out there".
Thanks for your time,
David Cross (the real one with the tattoo)
Related: David Cross Imposter Sleeping With Unsuspecting Women All Over Lower Manhattan [The Apiary]
Comments
It's so weird: I don't really look much like David Cross, but I *am* bald and wear glasses, and - this is the weird part - I have a tattoo that perfectly fits that description!
As Barney Fife used to say, "Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex." Now what do we do about all the fake Todd Barrys and faux Paul Scheers on the loose?
Ladies, help me out here. Resembling David Cross HELPS a guy get laid??
He has a certain appeal, yes. Are you using this chair? - That Girl.
I think Jalopnik was one step ahead of us all on this: http://www.jalopnik.com/cars/dieter-zetsche/index.php
So how do we know it's not the fake David Cross describing his tattoo?
If you come across a person you think may be David Cross, and he makes you laugh, then it's most likely not David Cross. That guy blows.
You cynics. It's people like you that killed Santa Claus. I'm going to personally attest to the authenticity of this David Cross email. Not that my word would convince anyone in their right mind, but he has written to Gawker before, and those emails came from the same address. (I could, of course, be wrong. But for once, I don't think I am.)
I think this is a clever ploy by David Cross to get people to watch Arrested Development. It ain't happenin!
Has anyone here slept with both David Cross AND the impostor? Can you compare and contrast?
I'll have to take your word for it Jessica Coen, IF that is your real name.
The brutal irony of that email likely coming from an imposter.
And I'm a tad suspicious, since I have a friend who I believe has slept with DC (or maybe it was the imposter...?)
i'm sorry, but that tattoo? so genius.
Are we sure the guy isn't pretending to be David Cross to NOT get laid? It could be his way of avoiding intimacy.
I impersonate Elijah Wood to get ass at gay bars... maybe that's why ther are so many rumors about him being gay, but, whatever.
Any way he could be persuaded to send in a pic of the tattoo? Not that it isn't a memorable description, but now I really want to see it. Had no success finding a photo of it through a Google image search, but I did discover that the real David Cross has a very hairy ass (if you click on the pic you can see a large, somewhat unsettling PDF version).
Game, set and match to Rob Sterling @ 1:52 AM Hall of Fame.
Anyone else get sidetracked by the tatt description?
Here's one more terrifying detail about fake David Cross I learned when I interrogated him - he claims to be a poet. So maybe some of his desire to fake it, is just to snag an audience for his tortured verse? Be afraid!
David Cross should be flattered... Graham Greene had a doppelganger in London for 20 years. Of course, the real Graham Greene had a tattoo on his ass.
Now what do we do about all the fake Todd Barrys and faux Paul Scheers on the loose?>>> Kruc, that's no way to talk about our Secretary of State.
I had a friend in grad school who would tell undergrads at football games that he was Benicio Del Toro. Never needed to explain why he was at a college football game in a small town but at least once he took a girl back to his studio apartment to watch movies (on a laptop). Fascinating but pathetic.
See the "movie" on my "laptop"! Works every time.
Start a discussion:
Login with your username and password below. Or comment on this post via email.
Forgot your username or password? New User?