My younger kid and I (we'll call him/her "Two") are on our way home from 3rd street playground, and Two requests a stop at the Tot Lot, that hotbed of passive-aggressive child-development questions, faux-friendly observations, and forced parental bonding. I oblige although I haven't been here in years; the ' Lot is mostly patronized by a particularly annoying subcategory of Slope parents - the dewy first-timers escorting their dirt-eating one-year-olds. These are the mommies who spend a lot of time on our little Brooklyn version of UrbanBaby, the Park Slope Parents listserv, comparing notes about organic baby food, the Coop's childcare room, and whether Boing Boing offers the neighborhood's best selection of nipple shields.

My child and I don't belong here. My kid is too big and I am too way past it all. While Two muscles by punier sub-peers on the flat metal thing that passes for a slide, I stand back and smile tightly at the few small gestures of friendliness directed my way. They sense I am not one of them. My kid is not wearing those $70 Italian shoes they sell at Peek-a-Boo kids, and I am not squealing with delight at the perfectly unremarkable lurching and babbling of their progeny. I do have an advantage: Since I don't have to interact much I can listen with a well-trained ear for subtext, and judge accordingly.

There's a mom in purple Crocs (a unfortunate trend this summer), and when she says to the mom in the brand-new Brooklyn Industries t-shirt, She is such a good walker — how old is she? I know she means "Shit, why isn't my kid walking?" and when she continues, And she's so verbal, too, she really means, "Shit, my kid's just past grunting" and when she says, Oops, she's got some dirt in her mouth, Croc Mommy manages to hide her glee, but what she's really thinking is "Ha! At least my kid doesn't eat dirt!"

Park Slope parents like to guffaw at the tales of Manhattan's competitive parenting that make front-page news in New York Magazine, and congratulate ourselves on staying out of that distasteful fray, but guess what, Tot Lotters, Park Slope's own little Nursery School Olympics is in your near future. Don't worry, it's really more like the Special Olympics. You know the Special Olympics, right? It's the one where everyone wins.

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