Gawker
Hey, remember that wannabe i-banker douchebag Alexsey Vayner and his insanely braggy resume video? Do you recall Eric Schaeffer, the failed writer/director who hates women and blogs about how he can't believe he's still single? Well, what if they met and married and through some breakthrough in medical science had a baby? He would probably grow up to be something along the lines of Atlanta's John Fitzgerald Page, who in addition to working in corporate finance, being a part-time trainer, and being available for work as a "costumed character" or a "stand-in," also somehow finds the time in his day to be a colossal, mindbogglingly douchey douchebag to girls he meets on Match.com!
We are given to understand (hey, who makes this kind of shit up?) that the following email correspondence took place between John and some lady. "So I winked at this guy on Match. Should have known better considering his screen name was "IvyLeagueAlum." He responds with the following email...
I live in a 31 story high rise condominium, right in the middle of the Buckhead nightlife district. Do you ever come to this area of town to shop/go out/visit/explore?"So," the lady writes, "I in turn send him a polite "No Thanks" thru the Match system which sends him the following email: 'Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search! Our Portraits didn't match on: A. Personality'" A spurned and brokenhearted John wrote back, less robotically but no less douchily.I went to an Ivy League school - the University of Pennsylvania - for my undergraduate degree in economics and my graduate degree in management (Wharton School of Business). Where did you go to school?
What activities do you currently participate in to stay in shape? I work out 4 times a week at LA Fitness. Do you exercise regularly? I am 6 feet tall, 185 pounds - what about yourself? I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite or even downright crass, but I have been deceived before by inaccurate representations so I prefer someone be upfront and honest on initial contact...
I do mergers & acquisitions (corporate finance) for Limited Brands (Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret, etc). Enjoy any of our stores/divisions?
Do you have any other recent pictures you care to share? I have many others if you care to see them.
Regards,
John
[email redacted]
I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!There ... aren't? Are you absolutely sure? We're still hiding, just in case.So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,John
Comments
Did he eat Ben Affleck?
I hope his hairplugs came with a guarantee.
I just threw up 8.9% of my stomach contents, and will throw up the rest in 26 minutes!
I am truly sorry if that sounds rude, impolite, or even downright crass, but I could never date a fatty. Do you hate fatties?
Jezebel's Best Dressed??
"I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes" is the new "make sure I am in the shot."
WAIT WAIT WAIT.
He lives in Buckhead high rise??!?? OMG! I totally shop/go out/visit/explore that nightlife district allllll the time!!!!1!
Awww...I hope his daddy is proud of him now. Daddy? Daddy?! I'm 10 slashes now, and somewhat good at convincing people I'm good at all of them! Why don't you love me?!
So the Russian woman who used to model evening vear and svimsuits in a commercial is a no? Vut a douchebaag.
Um, he is Ben Affleck.
You can make all the American Psycho jokes you want, but I think he's wearing what appears to be Jerry Orbach's exhumed hairpiece.
I can't wait to try out Enjoy any of our stores/divisions? on girls this weekend.
"I am a douchebag- How about you, do you use one?"
" I have been in the "fame game" for years, meeting celebrities like Luke Perry, Cynthia Nixon, Dave Matthews, Jeff Foxworthy, Joe Montana, Toby Keith & LeAnn Rimes to name a few."
I have many leather-bound books. And my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
isn't buckhead atlanta's version of murray hill?
ZOMG look: [johnfitzgeraldpage.com]
Does he play rich guy at parties, too???
He looks like he stars in werewolf movies and models bad hairpieces.
Can I die now?
So when did Hot or Not start using a scale of 1-100 instead of 1-10?
He's a total date rapist.
I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW AND EXCITING BEER.
According to the "Skills" section of his cv, young Mr. Page is actually 67% Simon LeBon and 48% Fabio.
Mensa! Of course! That's what's missing from the Eric Shaeffer saga.
Please, dude, keep squatting 1200 pounds, and never stop. Preferably without a spotter.
@LolCait:
Ahahaha! Nice glass of Chardonnay.
dating "out there" does indeed appear to suck more than dating does here...by a mile!
From his website:
"I used my 98th percentile score on the SAT & ACT to acquire a Mensa membership then combined that with my 97th percentile G.P.A. to go on to a five star collegiate program."
And then later that day I invented gravity and dogs.
Among his 14 major-motion-picture parts: "Parking Lot Dater," "'80s Waiter" and "Lovestruck Doofus" (IMDB).
i have never seen someone try to make so much out of so very little. i love the screen shot section where he shows us his "work" standing in the background. do you know who gets background work? people WALKING by...
I totally picture the first missive spoken aloud to himself in a hot breathy voice. BTW, clearly a sociopath. I love these guys that can't BELIEVE they're single.
Is this the same John Fitzgerald Page who played a "Lovestruck Doofus" (uncredited) in Beauty Shop?
I think somebody needs to tell him that beating up a nerd and taking their MENSA card doesn't automatically make you a member. Either that he's confusing the number of his IQ with his bench/squat/leg press press poundage.
@mathnet: it's a magazine in atlanta.
@LolCait: Hopefully not while you're at lunch with the Secretary of Defense!
Clearly this guy doesn't need to be so obsessed with a woman's weight-- after all, he can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs!!1! Heavier woman = fewer reps.
check out the buffalo bill brows on him in the tuxedo shot.
oh, emily, this just made my day. what a gem you found for us.
@LolCait:
Gah! He looks like the f'ng Phantom of the Opera in the pic on the left.
@LolCait: PROMOTIONAL MODEL FOR JERRY SPRINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can haz Hairclub for Men???
@ellagood: Jesus Christ. Thank you.
He was "Lovestruck Doofus" in Beauty Shop!!
Ooh, I went and looked at his Match profile. I particularly enjoy the part where he describes his match as, "Someone who is not afraid to express her opinion and appreciates a guy who has manners beyond the first date." On top of all his other wonderful qualities, he's extremely self-aware and knows exactly what he wants!
Maybe we should give the guy a chance? After all, he did play the role of "Lovestruck Doofus" in the film [sorry, "fim"] Beauty Shop.
[johnfitzgeraldpage.com]
Of course he lives in Buckhead.
did he just say he was in jezbel's best dressed?
Why does this guy want to date anybody besides himself?
6'1" and 185 lbs.? What's he modelling: body bags? Also: he's Fred Flintstone kitted out like Jay Gatsby.
WHY WHY WHY can't I find his website????
"I was educated at the University of Pennsylvania, an Ivy League institution founded in 1740 by Benjamin Franklin - the oldest university in the nation. I was social chairman of my fraternity, published the humor magazine and took classes at the Wharton School of Business (perennially ranked #1 in the world)."
What "humor magazine" was this, Johnny? UPenn Unfunny Douchebag Semiquarterly?
Whoa .. Lunch with the Secretary of Defense? I'm picturing him and 500 other other Atlanta Rotary Club members eating rubber chicken around May 2003 and appluading Rumsfeld wildly for our stunning victory in Iraq.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: I'm friends with Merlin Olson. He comes by from...time to time...I wanna be on you.
Somewhere acting/modeling/business/fitness/jaw-jutting/ass-chin/graphic-design/misogyny/frat-secretary/MSOffice/clown school, they forgot to tell him not to dress as a ring bearer.
@Loveontherocks: Jezebel the magazine in Atlanta, not the website. I hope.
@werewolf: He does say he has worked as a "casting associate" which I believe is the same thing as a date rapist.
what do you think he named his penis?
Truly breathtaking. The douche is strong with this one.
Can you imagine getting set up with him on a blind date? Now that's reality television I could support and endorse.
@pissy elliott: "Jerry Orbach gave his heart to acting, and his hairpiece to some douche in Atlanta."
If you look closely at this IMDB profile, you may notice that he was the CASTING ASSOCIATE for 95% of the movies he was cast in. Hmmm.
You had me at Beemer.