Gawker
The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.
In the spirit and tradition of Time Magazine, Ghetto Pass features an annual (this being the first) profile on the man, woman, couple, group, idea, place, or machine that "for better or worse, has most influenced ghetto events in the preceding year." In paraphrasing the philosopher Thomas Carlyle, a great contributing blogger once wrote that, "the history of the ghetto is but the biography of great negroes." He believed it was the Negroes, the Hispanics, and the Asians who shaped the collective destiny of the 'hood. But in recent years this theory has taken a hit. Indeed as we comb through hundreds of comments and e-mails in response to the curriculum thus far, we've been forced to take a look at the reflection in the Mylar mirror and see that You, Caucasians also help mold the urban netherregions we all know and love. And so this week's Ghetto Pass salutes, You, Caucasians, for playing your part.
Gentrification 2.0 - To be sure, there are many horrible and disturbing things that Caucasians bring to the ghetto: rising rents, the ubiquitous proliferation of "Crack-Rap"(Caucasians/Crackers rapping poorly, whether inadvertent or purposeful), and The Gap come to mind. But a look at the ghetto through a different lens reveals a different vision, one that isn't about painfully awkward rhythm, excessive ghetto lingo-ism, and compromising the reputations of quality emcees via generic mainstream brands. In fact when you look at the welcome spate of iPods, The North Face coats, and outlets for fresh, quality produce, the restless natives of the ghetto have clearly come to realize that Gentrification 2.0 isn't all bad.
The 5 Caucasians You Meet in the Ghetto - We haven't the space to itemize all Caucasians, but here are five types commonly found in the ghetto:
The Black Caucasian - This is the Caucasian that is so adamant and vigilant about their pro-black opinions that you'd think they MUST be black if you had not already seen their pastier-than-paste person in the flesh. Someday they will all rejoice as black folk export them back-to-Africa on 100% genuine mahogany slave ships.
The "Less Cauc More Asian" Caucasian - This is the Caucasian who studied Chinese in college, or heaven forbid, actually did a semester abroad in Hong Kong. They don't do anything without chopsticks, including eating, using the remote control, and sex.
The Hipsturd - The hipster nerd, who only warrants comment on if you plan to defecate on their character. Sans character defacation, they are "Hipsterds."
The Plain Jane & Joe - Fairly self-explanatory: Presumably they make up the morass of caucasians who watch sitcoms on CBS and make "Elfing Yourself" a viral phenomenon.
The Off-White - This caucasian is a little too cooky. Probably a drug addict, in fact, hopefully a drug addict; Off-Whites are quite obviously living in the ghetto to hide from something or someone. Keep an eye on them, they make news happen.
Nine Circles of Gentrifranchise Hell - These are the nine primary franchises that signal the Gentrevolution of your ghetto:
• McDonalds - Always the first to plant the flag. Many have suggested they change the "Golden M" to a "Blackened N," thus far to no avail.
• KFC - Once Mickey D's is in, the chicken chain is not far behind to provide variety.
• Domino's - Once the fast-food chains have their depots set, here comes the pizza delivery.
• Starbucks - The first great threshold of gentrification, a true line of demarcation. Once Starbucks comes, there's no turning back.
• The Gap - Builds on Starbucks. Once there's a coffee shop Caucasians need mock turtlenecks and tepid sweaters to drink them in.
• The Body Shop - And with mock turtlennecks and tepid sweaters you need specialized soaps and oils to rub on and smell good.
• The Multiplex - Caucasian women must have access to the movies. Especially if they can smell good via specialized soaps and oils.
• American Apparel - A dash of faux-trendiness comes after all the mainstream land is paved. Here come the Hipsturds
.
• Bed Bath & Beyond - The Final Hurdle. Once you have the BB&B, the Plain Jane & Joes can feel maximum comfort. The transition is complete.
Fun Facts
• Did you know that, like roaches, if you see one Caucasian in your Ghetto Chinese Spot, there are probably 10-20 more calling for delivery? Caucasians may spotted individually but typically enter neighborhoods in flocks.
• Did you know at the announcement of a forthcoming BB&B Caucasians have been known to gather around the site to "pour a little latte" out for The Black Caucasians who got shipped out to Africa and couldn't make it?
• Did you know that black males often protest the Gentrifranchise evolution, at least until the Victoria's Secret arrives. Then it's all good, baby.
GTA - Ironically enough, it would seem minorities spatting amongst themselves have given the false impression that harm can come to Caucasians. But rarely is a Caucasian truly threatened. The lack of "clout points" and possible dealings with police mean there's very little upside to beating up whitey.
Slang Check - For all the outdated "fo-shizzles" and "[purposefully non-ghetto statement], yos" Caucasians, gentriwarts and all, have made themselves an endearing component of the ghetto. So here's to you, yo.
Comments
TAN, I think you've forgotten the long-ago pioneers of some ghettoes: the White "Block Busters," realtors who paid people to vandalize their own homes to drive whitey out to the burbs and churn whole neighborhoods. This of course would then pave the way for future gentrification and hopefully another churn of the neighborhood. Sadly, without these parasites, there is no obvious de-gentrification mechanism.
"...mock turtlenecks" LOL--> who wears that shit? Happy Holidays, TAN~!
"Sadly, without these parasites, there is no obvious de-gentrification mechanism."
Equilibrium at its best.
So what are the options, preserving certain areas or Harlem, Chinatown or where ever, a la Sturbridge Village, with people in period dress, language and food? Maybe Disney will open a ghetto theme park. Being a poor arty caucasian type myself, who needs to find the least pricey spaces, I have experienced the gentrification of artist spaces many times, as the up scale folks come in after the artists clean up that cool warehouse. Can't we just corral the up scale folks and syphon off their resources?
Well, yaya, I think you have just described Little Italy in Manhattan to a T. If there hadn't been a tacit compromise for tourism's sake, that strip would have become Chinatown long ago.
Sadly, I don't think that once the artists and/or the gays, aka the harbingers of gentrification, move in there's any way to stop the process aside from maybe killing the pioneers. As the Native Americans discovered, once whitey gets a foothold, it's all over.
I would qualify as The Black Caucasian. Also, sadly enough -- a McDonald's, KFC and Starbucks are all on the same Astoria block where I live.
For shame.
As a very pale girl who lives in Sugar Hill, I gotta add the Dunkin Donuts to the list of gentrification prophets, (egg) sandwiched in between the KFC and the Dominos.
On another note, has anyone noticed that almost every "last comment by" on this page is by GaryGnu? Slow work day, chum?
"But a look at the ghetto through a different lens reveals a different vision, one that isn't about painfully awkward rhythm..."
Whoa, white people have no rhythm? No one has ever told me this before!
Even sadder, I'm sitting on the couch with the dog, at home, waiting for my boyfriend to finish editing the pitbull-mix in antlers shots so I can send out lame ecards and then go to the dog park in Springs.
But it has been a slow last two months at work, too.
Oh, I also cleaned the dog's ears. Very, very fulfilling day.
gary, do you work here?
It depends on where "here" is. Also it depends on what you mean by "work."
"Pour a little latte" will now become my new favorite phrase, and I will use it repeatedly in 2007 until sadly it is relegated to next December's Blog-Media Cliches post, at which point we will spend the following two weeks debating its origin. Do give TAN credit.
Dear Mr. Assimilated Negro (can I call you that?):
What you write is funny. Seriously. I really like: "Keep an eye on them, they make news happen."
But why can't My People (white-ish American mutts) make the same lighthearted jokes about black people moving into white neighborhoods without being labeled a Klansman?
I mean, dammit, My People need some political incorrectness, too! (Yeah yeah, legacy of slavery and white domination and hosing high school students in Arkansas, etc., etc, but what does that have to do with Me and You?)
I want My People to be emancipated from the shackles that bar us from socially accepted racism! When can I, dear Mr. Assimilated Negro, like Seinfeld, poke lighthearted fun at the quirks of Ethnic Folk, without being discriminated against? When? When!
We shall overcome! Oh, Lord. We. Shall. Overcome!
When you say, Mr. Scribbles? I think the phrase I'm looking for is, "when pigs fly."
Mr Scribbles, I see your point. Unfortunately that won't happen in New York until white people move out and bring the costs back down.
oh, mr. scribbles. just let it go. it's never gonna happen. as long as there are still real racists, white people can't be faux racists. we can make fun of fat people though? that's about it.
You forgot the "Old Scary Caucasian," the one who forgot to move out when all the Black folk started moving in. Old Scary lives in the condemned-looking house down the block and rarely emerges, save a trip to the liquor store or to feed the squirrels living on his front porch.
YAaaaaaa-aaaawn-izzle.
Yaaaaaa-aaaaaaawwwn-izzle.
I guess I qualify as both a The Hipsturd™ and The Plain Jane & Joe since I recently "elfed" myself.
For me, I don't just see it as a black/white thing. It's a class thing, period. White people don't mind living next to edumacated blacks and vice-versa.
I'm from New York, so I just see it as everyone from outside of here is on our jock, to the point that they come here and make it as bland as where they're from.
Screw all of you raiders, you could have my city because it's over anyway!
(Sorry for D-P. Happy Crimmustime)
We are all one. This was made apparent to me when Barbara Walters uttered the word "bling". Let the healing begin.
Not to get too serious on this light hearted subject, but, um, Mr. Scribles, that might be because in some places, "the same lighthearted jokes" turn very ugly very quickly. Down here in the deep south, there are still places that are, literally, sunset towns, meaning if you aren't white, you better be out of town by sunset. The majority of white folks that live in those areas don't feel that way, but it is amazing what a small and violent minority can do.
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