If she enters the diapers aisle at Von's, call security.

Pretty ironic item for a Hustler store to be carrying anyway. I heard she tried them on by lying on the floor and throwing her knees behind each ear.

Since when has Britney worn underwear?

Next, Perelman plans to sue Barkin for her Arbys franchise in Telluride. He knows how much she loves her big beef and cheddar.

Maybe you'll be a little quicker to recognize him when I reveal that the Post GOT HIS NAME WRONG! It's actually...Sam Lutfi. Remember him?!?

(It is, though, apparently.)

Before we judge, let's just consider how fuckin' awesome it would have been if the video-schoolgirl Britney of 1999 had been shopping for panties at the Hustler Store and having a fantasy sex room. Can we all admit that it's mostly gross because we now automatically associate her hooha with children coming out of it and K-Fed coming into it?

Britney does know that she's legal now, right? For everything?

Somebody told her that, didn't they? I mean, maybe if she knew, she'd stop sleeping with douchebags for cigarettes and hiding her liquor in giant Frappacinos.

Who the hell tries on panties before buying them?

Also, the comments on the Us story are great:

new meaning to the term "wig-out"
She needs to just die, then be "immortalized" in memory. It'd be better for all involved. Kids, parents, hanger-ons, fans. Her stuff would sell thru the roof. Come on.
Seriously?

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I am appalled by your lewd comment, she does not need to "Die", she just needs a hug. You know someone to care for her so she does not feel so used. You should go call your parents and ask for a hug. You need it sweetie

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I'm sick of people making excuses for her behavior. There is only one person who can turn her life around and that is Britney. She's been on a downward spiral for years and is only getting worse. She has two young children to think about. She needs to get herself together and get some help to work through whatever has led to her erratic lifestyle. [Yes! Finally someone has the courage to just come out and say it! Where have you been this whole time, Anonymous?]

SPEARS HEARS JEERS FOR REARS, SAY PEERS

This story could only be better if it had been the Hustler store on Venice Beach. Because last time I was there, Jose Canseco was hanging around with his doppelganger meathead buddy in matching work out clothes leering at the Hustler-esque staff. I had the feeling he comes there often.

@maevemealone: Heh. Heh heh.

@grandmoffbastard: Is this really verbatim or did you clean it up? Nearly perfect spelling and punctuation on a comments board? And the use of the word "erratic"?

@grandmoffbastard:

I agree that she just needs a hug, but first she needs to let me out of this partial suspension bondage and remove the tapegag.

@crotchety: Between all those things plus the content, I'm pretty sure the commenter just discovered the Internet today.

@Koala325: Ha!

@grandmoffbastard: good as those are, nothing beats Perezhilton for really high caliber, mind-numbingly stupid, earnest, trashy, two-digit-IQ comments with gems like "me and her went to the Hustler store" and when they start chewing each other out for comment grievances. It's like rubbernecking at a really gory accident scene.

The image of Jose Canseco hanging around with his doppelganger meathead buddy has me removing several layers of clothing for an emergency spritz.

@KarenUhOh: That is totally turning me on. Jose Canseco. His meathead buddy. And you, spritzing.

@KarenUhOh: Yah, Canseco's picturing it right now. Sitting in a hot tub. With six buddies. Water slightly yellowed from the self-tanner boiling off his skin. All pitching an ever so slight tent as they browse Gawker.

SCENE I. The inside of Britney's vagina. The pink walls are covered with N'SYNC, Fergie, and Kenny Loggins posters. The tattered remains of other posters can be seen in some places, with the words "playing" and "fire" barely visible. A number of folding chairs are set up in the center of the room, and a number of sperm-men are standing around the coffee pot, smoking.
SPERM-MAN 1: Hey, Rotem, you meet the hotel bartender, yet?
SM 2: Which one? The one from the Chateau Marmont, or the one from the Beverly Wilkshire? Marmont was cool, he had all these hilarious stories about doing coke with Lindsay, but Wilkshire was a total dick... just another anonymous LA douche in $500 jeans.
SM 1: Uh, I'm not sure. (turns to SM 3) Where are you from, Marmont or Wilkshire?
SM 3: Neither. I'm from K-Fed.
SM 1 and 2, together: No shit!
SM 2: I didn't know that any of you guys were still left in here.
K-Fed Sperm: Hey, we didn't knock her up by accident. I think we may be one part cockroach. Or Escherichia coli. We're not sure. Anyway, I've set up a home up in Fallopian Tube 1, you should come over and visit.
SM 2: Hey, I'd like that, wait, you aren't inviting me over just to listen to your record and smoke pot, are you?
KM: Uh...
A loud siren goes off and red lights begin blinking.
WARNING! WARNING! INCOMING FLUID. THIS AREA WILL BE UNDER INUNDATED IN 5...4...3...2...
ALL: Oh, no! Not again!
FIN

i wish she hadn't gone and pissed all over Page Six this morning.

@Pope John Peeps II:

BRIT BARES CLIT IN HUSTLER PIT, THROWS FIT: STORE CLERKS QUIT

Larry Flint rocks. I hope he bans her for taking his place down a notch.

In the age of TMZ, where an increasing number of people earn a living off peddling celebrity gossip from an ever-expanding list of media outlets, thereby creating an insatiable and desperate need for content (wherein nothing's too outrageous to print no matter how dubious the source), superfluous information becomes the sedative of choice for the masses to distract from the realities of a government comprised of CEOs waging a phoney war that are bankrupting our country in nearly every facet, to a point where people actually, like ACTUALLY, fucking care whether it's Corey Haim or Penelope Ann Miller that waltzes their way to victory on "Dancing with the Stars", just so they have something to put their faith in other than their day job, sexless relationship and disappointing children, the latter of which will at least pay their penance when they inherit the crushing credit debt that their parents amassed to affored all the extraneous recreational amenities needed to help them get through this sad point in American history...

** Pours bourbon in coffee **

...Is it just me?

Underpants, Emily? Are you my great aunt?

@Queen of the Passive Aggressives: Agreed. He declared a National Day of Prayer for the Death of Bill O'Reilly a few years back, which was genius.

@Pope John Peeps II: After all the anabolic shots to the gluteus over the years, I have a feeling Jose's "tent" never gets past resembling a li'l pink raisin.

She's smiling because that bodyguard is leading her around by the vagina.

Can I just say...the best thing about this story is that she isn't pregnant and that she's looking for panties. I think Brit is on the mend. It could be a whole week before she, I don't know, cuts something, injects something, leaves her kids unattended, or finds some creative, albeit, ghetto-white trashed (yes, Brit, you have created a whole new genre of self-inflicted low classmanship, yet you're worth millions, go fig.) way to sink even lower into the depths of a Anna Nicole, Courtney Love, hell even, Brigette Nielson level of What the Fuck?

@crotchety: From my experience working in Bloomindales's lingerie department, people who then put them back on the rack.

@actorpull: Ha ha! I'd never have guessed that the Hustler store carried Carter's Big Girl underpants.

@maevemealone: Must be his (identical?) twin brother, Ozzie. They do still dress alike. I don't know why I know this.

@hortense: Perhaps she wanted the "barely legal" panties as a reminder of the good ol' days several years ago... you know, when her career was it its peak and she was still lying to everyone about the whole virginity thing because that made her the object of nearly every man's fantasy. As she stumbles around her mansion between hits of crystal meth, cans of Budweiser, and ignoring the desperate pleas for attention from her filthy starving children, trying to pull those panties over her roast beef vagina and bloated heap of C-section scar tissue, I'm sure looking at her ass saying "barely legal" back to her in the mirror is something that will continue the inspiration to act as though no one's noticed a change.

@schmalerie: Budweiser? You give Clit Brit too much credit, she's a Schlitz girl all the way back to the package store.

@schmalerie: Everything else is on the money though. ***GOLF CLAP*****

@actorpull: "Panties" is a derogatory term used by the male hegemony to keep down the female vagemony. Or something like that.

@schmalerie: Not sure how one doesn't aspire to such greatness. Roast beef vagina...my lord. Coffee almost shot out my nose and I got strange looks from the other cube jockeys who heard the laugh bubble get caught in the near coffee deluge. Thanks.

@theblues: Wow, I didn't know that. Jose was definitely the more beefed up of the pair, he was HUGE, and maybe taller. There was definitely a family resemblance, and they wore the same pair of Nike space wrestling type high top booties. They were so working the salesgirls, it was kinda awesome bc Venice is a such a toilet. I would not have been surprised to catch Brit behind the register.

Thank goodness for that. Somebody needs to talk to that girl about safe sex!

I never want to hear another word about Britney Spears, ever again. Someone please do something interesting, like build a rocket ship out of panty hose. Leave the woman alone!

Why does Britney still have the power to make me feel depressed and dirty?

eww no demo pairs eh?

Sadly, Sam doesn't go by his given name, which happens to Osama.

Seriously.

@the-cubicle-dweller: You're probably right about the Schlitz. I've also always pictured her household with a constant supply of those mini-kegs from 7-11 sitting out at room temperature, on some sort of cluttered disgusting dining room table surrounded by three day old Carl's Jr meals and miniature dog shit.

But I think those might be Heineken? So maybe that's expecting too much out of her again.