Gawker
So our earlier post about our wacky Jew-hating ways got the attention of the folks at Heeb, who were name-checked by Mark "I Like Kike" Caro in his admonitory blog post. The Heebs seem to have understood the humor, but a commenter at their site found us less amusing. 
Well, obviously that won't do. We've drafted a sincere and heartfelt apology.
Dear Jew,
We are sincerely sorry for offending your delicate Jew sensibilities. Yes, it's true, there are a few Jews here in the office—we've crunched the numbers, and four out of five Gawker editors have at least some Jew blood in them (not on them!)—and we do think that gives us the right to make Jew jokes. But you know what? None of us are Irish, thank God, and we still knock the micks every now and again. We're kinda of the opinion that the idea of ethnicity and its accompanying stereotypes are inherently hilarious. So, sure, we may not know a lot about life in Israel—do you guys still eat the Palestinian kids after your tanks run them over, or did you stop that once Rabin came into office? Do we still send Israel billions of dollars a year?—but, guess what, we think the comical ways in which your Jew country kowtows to the craziest Jew elements of crazy Jewiness could not be funnier. Hope that's okay!
Shalom,
Balk
Comments
Emily's the shiksa, right?
Well said Balk!
Don't cave in to the pressure.
I'm an Israeli Jew and I love the Jew-bashing.
Keep it up!
Kashi and San Oberlin Rauch need to get together and form a wonder-twins-level letter writing campaign. It could be a regular super hero series where Balk's Cock (Uncircumcised of course) is the evil nemesis.
You guys just became Jews so you can make the jokes. A bunch of Anti-Dentites.
And I love how this comment is coming from Jews at a magazine that calls itself "HEEB"...
What, so you want the entire secret government and the world banking cartel and the entire neoconservative movement coming down on you Balk? For this we send you to the good schools? And not even calling your mother? Shame.
Whoa now, you can call out the Jews, but the Irish? I'm gonna have to demand an apology. Or a drink. Either one will do...
All we need is an appearance by the Saigon Suicide Squad and we'll be all set.
Balk - that guy outside your window is a Mossad agent, ready to go all krav maga on you. Please take care of yourself, and call your mother once in a while!
@balk: i was really hoping to see that signed by "my cock"/"your cock" but i guess he wasn't up to it; maybe next time?
Um...I think I'm lost. Where can I find the Methodist pot luck supper/bingo night?
I'm an Israeli Jew, and I don't like the Jew bashing...I prefer making fun of black people, but that's not PC. Someone needs to change that...not really sure why I care if that's PC...funny how someone will try to paint me as a racist or something...alls I'm sayin is Jews were slaves, too...get the frick over it already.
What's Gaelic for "zing!"?
I'm a mick and am deeply offended by the lack of Irish jokes. Step it up, you Jewbilants.
I'm Jewish, and I wasn't offended by the Harry Potter post. Then again, I thought you were making fun of (theoretically) educated, (assumedly) intelligent adults who read children's books.
Maybe I should stop nickel and diming people for a minute and read the posts all the way through.
@Ndebo: Honey, you don't need any paint. Or even cork, for that matter.
A few Jewish employees?
Also, speaking as one, there is not nearly enough white trash bashing going on here. Sure, there's the occasional meth joke, and every once in a while you'll stumble on good mullet, but, aside from Jerry Falwell's hilarious and well deserved death, I've felt neglected. Please attend to this post haste.
@Mediahohoho:
Have I told you lately that I love you?
You know when people respond to a questioning unquestionable joke with the annoying and mainly assholish "not offensive, just not funny" line? Yeah, that's not what I'm doing here.
BTW, Rebecca Heeb is awesome. See her on a free Jew panel talking about Jew media. Free! Jews! Like peanut butter and gefilte fish.
@sinnesloeschen: Thanks. Feel free to say it with flowers. Or bud.
If you squint real hard, I believe the Gawker logo becomes a swastika.
I'm Irish so I agree on the lack of attention. But I loved my krav maga teacher and he was full of jewy goodness, so maybe i will be offended in order to gain his affections. Or a drink'll do, whatevs.
I used to eat Kashi for breakfast but the tefillin kept getting stuck in my teeth.
Please don't make fun of Black folk, NDEBO. Or I will be forced to visit your home in the middle of the night and steal your diamondz.
And, by the way, as Africans have suffered more recent enslavement than Hebrews, we must insist on a little more time to recover. Personally, I should only require sex with several dozen more white women until I feel better about things.
Hey you Kike-Wop, blow me.
At least you didn't cop out with the "I apologize IF someone was offended by my statement.." coupled with 2 weeks of alcohol rehab and/or an appearance on Larry King.
I'm comprised of about seven nationalities and only three of them have been adequately lampooned by Gawker. I humbly submit, for your derision:
Swedes
Norwegians
Scots
The Swiss
Stand your ground! Though, "Mock the micks" would have been better than "knock the nicks." It's more alliterative. You mock the micks and you knock the Knicks.
Truly, step up the Irish jokes and degradation. As a red-haired, blue-eyed, drunken mick, I feel very left out.
Maybe us Irish readers can step it up and start making jokes about ourselves in the comments. When we're not drinking, that is. Which I guess rules that out.
Yeah, Jews -- go cut holes in your sheets and fuck off! Ooh -- an angry email!
If you were "real world" smart like other people of faith I won't name you'd moiduh cartoonists and editors who talked shit about you and no one would do it again. Seen any good Muhammed cartoons lately? What does the world revolve around now, Socrate?
Schmussies.
... not that I'd advocate that in any serious way. (Disclaimer for those who just might be fucked up enough to take me seriously.)
And for my friends the Jews I even left the last "s" off Socrates-- for more savings of course. That and I'm an inept Polish Mick who can't type.
@Ndebo: why wont you people just get over the holocaust (and go back to europe)? im so fucking tired of hearing about it.
@Colonel Mustard: As a fellow Swede mix, I couldn't agree more. We will not be ignored!
@VenusCloacina: @prattler: graceful answers to a graceless comment.
SHENANNIGANS RAKE:
Cunt whee oral guilt a lawn?
@teenage witch: I know, right? At least the blacks have the hard data to support a sense of reparative entitlement.
What? The Bell Curve was written by a Jew? Never mind.
Another Irish one here, frankly us Catholics feel a little left out.
@MrBemis:
Denton would never force Balk into rehab...Gawker would lose half of it's daily readership!
What about us Eastern bloc folk (i.e. the Macedonians)? Surely there must be something to make fun in our lot.
@Mediahohoho: Not enough, you say?
Christ, Julia Allison has more spine than these whiners. When gawker dishes out her medicine, she swallows.
@MrBemis:
Agreed. There's nothing pussier than a disclaimer. Although I recommend that Balk meet face to face with an Israeli Women's Basketball Team. This way he can politely explain the context of his remarks and ask them to suck his cock.
@OneHundredServed:
The humor would be a sufficient basis to convert. Try using sarcastic, self-deprecating humor if you're black. Non-blacks take your remarks at face value.
Weren't two of your MOT ex-staffers named to the "Forward 50"? Isn't that enough Jewish brownie points to make up for the Harry Potter post (which no one took seriously)?
The fact that this mishegas is following the Harry Potter / economics post while there was no response whatsoever to the epic circumcision saga certainly wouldn't say anything about stereotypical Jewish trigger points or priorities, however.
and @Seeräuber Jenny, exactly!! Cos Woody, Mel and that other schmuck mit the ugly punim, oy, what's his name? They never mock the Tribe.
From another Jew for Gawker, shalom and gey gesunt.
What, no feedback from Christopher Hitchens?
gawker only gets off the hook if Balk's Cock is circumsized.
although i can say that i've just been following orders - outlined in the gawker commenter handbook.
@ellagood:
commenter handbook? Ick, mine's all sticky.
@NotAndersonCooper: you must have Balk's copy.
@ellagood:
Maybe so, it reads from right to left.
I believe this entire controversy is going to be sued by Larry David for plagiarism.
Him and his damn Jew lawyers.
Seems we have a new convenient attitude over at Gawker.
Hear yee, hear yee. The court has ruled in favor of internets logic. Do not support the crazies, be thee Christian, Jew, or Miscellaneous.
"Of course, their comment section is only open to people they approve of, so of all you'll find there today is a bunch of people agreeing with each other."
And this guy claims to read Gawker regularly?
@broad: I'd go for something about your country's name and appropriation of Alexander the Great, but I'm not Greek enough to get worked up about it.
I missed the mick jokes. But I'm Irish--I was probably drunk at the time.
As a commenter, I agree with everything posted above.