The sheer dickiness of a multimillionaire lawyer who brags about his $700 rent controlled Soho pad: not an aphrodisiac.

Yeah, it's him. He's 19 cubic feet of asshole surrounded by 700 square feet of crazy. It's like a turd floating in a sea of vomit.

But, hey, he can always buy a poor person for sex with what he saves on rent! NOW WHO SAYS THE NEW YORK TIMES DOESN'T GIVE GOOD BUDGET ADVICE?

Welcome to the jungle!
You, have sex with the pirate!

Let's see...cheapness, ugly stuff, inability (and obvious unwillingness to compromise on space-sharing with a companion)...and how old is this guy? I wonder why he had to buy himself a russian hooker - he's really quite a catch!

oh my hell, it's like a party at Joyce Wadler's share house in Quogue.

No one is stating the obvious here. Those sheets are not the ugliest thing in the picture.

I was just imagining the Silkwood-style showers that Podell's girlfriend must take after one of their awesome and totally consensual "vacations."

Wait... so one CAN'T get Scooby Doo or Battlestar Galatica sheets in Queen or California King? What the hell kind of "everyday living" is THAT?

There are only two romantic deal-breakers for me, concerning what's in potential girlfriend's home: 1) if she lives with her mother (it means no sex, you'll be walked in on while have sex, your potential paramour is probably only marginally employed, and she has probably not progress emotionally beyond junior high school age); and 2) possession of this album: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Karl-Lagerfeld-presents-Musiques-J...

Holy jeez... I didn't know that Lagerfeld did a Heino tribute album:

http://www.amazon.com/Nur-Das-Beste-Grossten-Hits/dp/B0000...

I don't care how much money he has, this guy is a new color on the spectrum of crazy. And he looks like an evil leprechaun. Or dybbuk. Whatever.

I imagine everyone mentioned in that article has bad breath. The gays with their cock-breath and the straights with their poor hygiene. But this guy, subsisting as he does on powdered milk, could probably punch a hole through concrete. How about a six-month supply of Listerene?

Also mentioned in the story is Bob Strauss and his stuffed baby seal.

Um, yeah, it's the seal that's a deal breaker. Not the fact that Strauss can't properly button his pants. Not the fact that he looks like he's had (or is having) a stroke. Not his lack of a chin. Not his prison haircut. Not the set of dominoes he has for teeth. Not the gay cowboy shirt he's wearing.

Dude, the stuffed seal is just the icing on your cake of creepy, pushing you from "might be" to "probably is" on any woman's serial killer alert system.

The lawyer is bad, no doubt, but the real horror-show is the guy who writes dating advice for match.com but can't get his own dates in bed because of the DEAD BABY SEAL he keeps in his otherwise super-bland apartment.

(Photo: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/29/garden/29breakers.html)<...

I'd say lawyer Pudell would, at 70, with $2.9 mm already bye-bye (to his LAW SCHOOL? Dork.), appeal to a woman wanting a fellow with one foot in the grave and the other on a bar of soap, but, unfortunately, looks like there's no room for the soap--or that he'd buy it if there was.

Doesn't "no stuffed animals" rule him out as a prospective lovah?

@SuperLex1000: EXACTLY. Someone ought to alert Match. What a great selling point he is for their service. WHEW!

And...Someone's gonna inherit that rent controlled apt one day...lucky little Moscow gal.

What happened to the good old days when women would marry eccentric, rich, old koots for their money, totally overhaul their lives & then leave them, running them into the living situations described in this NYT article?

Hello? Have we gleaned nothing from the great gold-diggers of yore?

Now you want your millionaires filthy rich & metro chic?

No fair, changing the rules ladies; the makeovers and bad head are your end of the deal.

I mean 162 countries, opera/symphony/dinner 4 nights a week, he's already more than halfway to gay. Has anyone told him how awesome gay sex is.

Now there's, some Match.com advice for ya.

I've rejected a man over his apartment only once. He had one room that was a Junk Heap. No seriously, 10 x 10 room, solid 3-foot high mound o' junk: bike parts, broken computer monitors, etc. Who wastes 100 square feet like that!?

(Also: Clown poster over a bed that had kiddie twin sheets on a full-size bed. I'm sure he had Tupperware full of his human body part ragu, but I skeedaddled before checking the freezer because I have the Gift of Fear.)

"she was ready to do the big deed" sounds like she wanted to take a really enormous crap.

And who wants a guy who spends six nights a week fucking a pink hippopotamus in the ass and the seventh apologizing to Ringo about it?

Wow. They should all get together with Eric Schaeffer for dinner...or something. I can't believe they're all single!

Anyone who would last more than 10 minutes on a date with this guy let alone go to his house is beyond my pity.

i love the dealbreaker for the gay couple. a $25,000 chandelier.

this is why i am destined to be grace-fucking-adler forever.

@Ha Ha Sound: i almost bought that album. i was extremely high and shopping lincoln road in miami. i think that is the only circumstance in which purchasing that is acceptable.

@bacon-yum: That would have fit in perfectly with his decor!

Confidential to Bob Strauss: It's not the dead baby seal. It's not even the "South Park and Sonic the Hedgehog figurines and Lego collection" which, in Match.com world, apparently means you're still qualified to dole out love advice. It's that grille.

PS Give my grandma back her dining room set.

Silkwood-style showers...

Brilliant, Darienlake.

@ellagood: As a huge Stereolab fan, it annoys me that they put one of their 3 or 4 only bad songs on it (when there's about 15 or 16 years' worth of great material to choose from). It seems like the kind of mix that the guy who decided to put that billboard up outside the Gansevoort Hotel might make.

Still, yes, shopping while high on Lincoln Road in Miami seems like license to do anything (even buying Battlestar Galactica sheets).

@Ha Ha Sound: Would it have mattered if it's the new fracking Battlestar Galactica on the bedsheets? At least it says you're up with current events. That's always a win win.

I think you people are too picky. I don't care anything about the living space, just as long as "the lady" with whom I'd "do the big deed" met three criteria: female, mammal, and above-room-temperature. Hell, best two-out-of-three will do.

Albert Podell lives in a one-bedroom rent-stabilized closet. The man is gay gay gay. Look at him! He dresses and grooms himself like Andreas Voutsinas as Carmen Ghia in The Producers.

He *wants* the women to run away; then it's their fault and he's relieved of having to come to terms with his gay-osity.

I had those sheets. Of course, this was 1975 and I was six.

Cats are a dealbreaker for me. They make every apartment smell of pee. Also, general filthiness. It's weird how some people try so hard to be hot and clean in public, but back in their apartments they have mice shit in the fridge and bathtubs perpetually half full of brown water.

@Ha Ha Sound: I applaud the avatar change.

Id have faked diarrhea even before the drinks came at the sight of that polyester red turtleneck.

"...it's a family piece inherited from a rich aunt and uncle in Miami."

Who got the Klimt?

So Baby Seal Guy gives dating advice on "Nerve"?

He's certainly got one.

Some of these guys will just blend in with their cartoon animal bedsheets like chameleons.

@JupiterPluvius: no match.com.

there's no advice on nerve.com except a huge banner that reads "we know you're just here to find fuck buddies and get high. if you haven't figured out how to do that yet, you're on the wrong site."

-ellagood (proud nerve.com member since 2005)

Would the stuffed baby seal meet that criteria?@BadUncle:

Maybe Albert Podell the Lawyer should have told the ladies he was Albert Podell the Artist and that his entire apartment was 'performance art'.

Annnd...He should have informed his dates that his sheets were 'vintage', cost $750 a set, and were from that exclusive boutique down the street. Maybe then he wouldn't have to hook up with his Russian friend for some tail.

I used to work with this creep in the late 80s and he used to brag about teaching his dog to go down on his dates. It must have been my obsession with the far lesser of catches John-John Kennedy that kept me from pursuing a romance. And the too-tight red turtleneck was a wardrobe staple back then as well. Thems was the days.

My boss has known this dude for YEARS and claims that "back in the day," he was "quite the ladies man." Course, my boss's idea of getting ready for an evening out involves splashing on fistfulls of what I can only assume was the prototype for Sex Panther...

@DoubleMint: what? WHAT? actually, i think i would rather a pit bull or even an english bulldog go down on me than this man.

@ellagood:

ellagood (proud nerve.com member since 2005)

First thing that ever made me feel like joining! Alas, Mr. Pluvius is the jealous type, so my passion for you will have to remain one of the mind alone.

And Match.com makes more sense. I think of Nerve.com as populated by douchebags, too, but sexier douchebags. Present company excepted.

@butterflymiss:

Nice block.

I've always loved Soho.