Gawker
Dear Blogger,
You are receiving this letter because I believe you and I share the same dream: The dream of making untold millions through the power of the Internet. Do you blog? Do you have interesting things to say? Can you join the discussion and contribute something meaningful? Of course you can. And now, with my help, you can be on the "blogging A-list," which we'll pretend doesn't actually exist because it drives the C-listers crazy. Allow me to introduce my self, motherfuckers. My name is Jason Calacanis, and I'm an "Entrepreneur in Action" at Sequoia Capital.
What does that mean? What it means is that I've discovered a way to turn blogs into a money-making proposition and I can call myself whatever the fuck I want. Most people call me Mr. Calacanis, because I'm that rich, but I prefer Jason, because it sounds more humble! Like me! I can afford to be humble; the Calacanis plan has provided me with untold wealth!
Don't believe it works? Let me tell you a few stories. Elizabeth Spiers of Wetumpka, Alabama, was a business journalist. Now she runs her own blog company! Xeni Jardin was a conference producer. Now she's the chick from Boing Boing! Amanda Congdon was a nobody from Connecticut with a great rack. Now she's an employee of DuPont who plays "journalist" in her spare time. What do all these people have in common? They never let anyone else limit their success. They took their place in the blogosphere. They didn't let ANYONE squeeze them into your antiquated motherfucking paradigms.They harnessed the power of what I like to call Calacanisity.
Here's the deal. Take $1000. Put it in an envelope. Send that envelope to me. Pass this letter on to three of your blogger friends, instructing them to in turn pass it along to three of their blogger friends. (Please make sure that they all send the $1000 to me, Jason Calacanis.) In a few months I will get back to you and discuss "brand equity." What is it? What can it do for you? All in good time!
Maybe you should be more worried about what might happen if you don't take me up on this offer. Alex Balk of New York, New York, tossed this letter in the trash without reading it. Now? He slaves away each day for one of New York's worst bosses, where he is forced to point out how my latest blog post sounds like a chain letter under his own name! Do you want something like that to happen to you? I didn't think so.
I look forward to having you on my team!
Jason... OUT!
More proof that there is no A List (or at least if there is, it means NOTHING!) [calacanis.com]
Comments
"Allow me to introduce my self, motherfuckers."
fuck t-shirts - gawker business card templates please.
that was so funny i have to go pee.
Fuck my JD/MBA. I'm getting into blogging where the real ca$h money is. Thanks Jason!
He is like the Ari Gold of blogger talent management.
Do I get to choose which famous blogger he makes me? I have little interest in being Congdon.
That chick is transfixed by the "power of the internet"
That guy has been douching it up all over every internet trends since 1995! When will it end? He'll be looking for VC to pay for his branded gravestone.
Looks like he's checking out her rack to see if she's 'vlog worthy'.
She looks like she's being paid to look interested.
It's posts like this that define "A-list."
If you're curious about that picture, here's the backstory.
Give me a $1000 and not only will I teach you how to blog, but I'll stick my dick in your ass and twirl you around like a noisemaker on New Year's. Cash only, thanks.
I would just like to add that impossible is nothing, and that you should never let people hold you back. If someone tries to tell you that you can't be an A-list blogger cross them out of your life--never speak to them again.
It will also help if you keep yourself physically fit--a strong body equals a strong blog post.
best regards,
JDAWG
(currently bench pressing 80 pounds with a 16MPG ping pong serve that you will not be able to return)
There's only one Jessica Coen. Enough w. the knock offs...
In the vaunted world of stealing credit for everyone else's ideas, the parallels between Calacanis and Khalid Sheik Mohammed are too rich to ignore.
Who ever heard of Wonkette before wonkette?!?! no one.
Are you fucking shitting me?
AND: Are there really only four female A-list bloggers (including Xeni, excluding Perez) out there who managed to crawl out of obscurity? So Jason, that must mean that women don't, like, have something intelligent to say or contribute anything meaningful.
Christ, what an asshole.
Possibly the best Gawker post I've read to this day. Nice one, Balk. Also, have you seen the fake Calacanis account on Twitter? Hilarious!
http://twitter.com/PhakeCalacanis
Veronica: are you saying that people who wrote for Suck.com like AMC were anything more than "web 1.0 famous" or something to that effect?
As someone who has been *both* Web 1.0 famous AND blog famous I can tell you it means exactly nothing unless you're at the Magician, the web 2.0 conference, or a starbucks in SF/Palo Alto.
That being said, if you PayPal me $1,000 today I'll give you 14 steps that will get you a blog post on Gawker, Valleywag, and digg--in the same week!
best jdawg
ps - phakecalacanis has nothing on fake denton: http://www.twitter.com/nickdenton
@JasonCalacanis: ...which in turn has nothing on the fake Nick Douglas. Oh...
http://twitter.com/nick
Jason, I will PayPal you $1000 if you let me rip off your head and fuck your esophagus.
best,
Veronica
@Megan McCarthy:
ooh, thanks for that link. the littlized version of the picture doesn't properly show her classic facial expression. it looks like she's trying to text a 'come save me' message without looking down at her hand...
Where's the part about the Nigerian doctor who is holding $18,000,000 that he will share with me if I only give up my bank account numbers?
wait, you mean....he contacted you, too? i thought i was...special.
fmd.
@ellagood: Yes!
And the reason there aren't more A-list female bloggers is because blogs emerged from tech and the tech power structure is overwhelmingly male. The actual majority of bloggers are now female.
Fatblogging infatuation is chock-a-block full of potential growth, engagement, and monetization.
Tony Robbins, eat your heart out (I hear its healthy and lean protein)!
People love to dog on J.C., but I having worked for him at Silicon Alley Reporter during the heady days of 1998-2000, I have to say that he was one of the most generous and loyal bosses I've had.
Stop hatin'!
-Mark Rinzel
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