By Jessica, 6:55 PM on Fri Sep 8 2006, 647 views (Edit, to draft, Top, Slurp)

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• After an extended period of darkness, 4-year-old Suri Cruise finally reveals herself to the world as a beautiful Asian-American.
• Katie Couric sashays onto the CBS Evening News, and the world is amazed that vaginas can read.
• And in other kind-of-vagina news, Rosie O'Donnell assumed the position on The View.
• Paris Hilton gets cuffed and it's got nothing to do with a sex tape.
• Cuddly rapper 50 Cent trades in his shiny Lamborghini for a trip to central booking.
• Glamour asserts itself as the most absurdly omnipresent magazine out there with four Today show appearances and a sponsored helicopter service.
• Sumner Redstone cans former prez and CEO Tom Freston, but not without the employees giving a cuddly send-off first.