Gawker
From Cosmopolitan, June 2007, p. 58, headline: "Gyno Uh-Oh!":
"I had scheduled my gyno appointment for right after work and didn't have time to take a shower beforehand. So I ran home quickly to freshen up. I shed my clothes, grabbed a bottle of perfume, and spritzed my V zone generously before getting dressed again. When I arrived at the doctor's office, I put on the gown and got on the examining table. When my gynecologist lifted up the paper gown, I heard her chuckle quietly. I gave her a weird look, and she said, 'Fancy!' I figured she was just referring to my Brazilian wax, but when I got home, I realized I had mistaken my glitter body spray for perfume. My nether region was covered in multicolored sparkles!"Well don't that just sound familiar!
From the June 1996 issue of the FOAFTALE News, the Newsletter of the International Society for Contemporary Legend Research (ooh baby!):
I heard a story that has all the markings of a legend. It was told by my aunt, a Maryland resident, who claimed to have heard it from her daughter, who lives near San Francisco and insisted that it actually happened to a "friend of a friend." It goes like this: A young woman returned from her annual visit to her gynecologist in a state of some humiliation. She almost tearfully recounted to her roommate (another woman, it seems) that when the doctor viewed her in the awful position women must achieve on the examining table, he exclaimed, "Fancy!! Faaannnnncyyy!!" She reported she was too embarrassed to ask what inspired the outburst and just skulked away after the exam. Her roommate asked if he'd ever acted weird like that before and was assured that he certainly hadn't — he was the soul of discretion. She next asked her distraught friend if she had done anything different in preparation for her exam. "No, not at all. Well, I did borrow some of your feminine hygiene spray." She gestured to an aerosol can on the dresser. "That's not feminine spray! It's glitter spray for my hair!" Fancy, alright.When asked about the similarities, a Hearst spokeswoman responded via email:
Cosmo receives hundreds of submissions for Cosmo Confessions each month, and because we allow readers to remain anonymous in order to protect the innocent (and guilty!), these confessions aren't always easy to fact check.Or, you know, Google.
Comments
There's only one way to fact-check a story like that, and Dave the editorial assistant was happy to do it.
When my mom told me this story, it was a little old lady who'd made her vag sparkle and shine.
I've heard the same story before, but instead of spray, a mom wipes her va-jay-jay with a washcloth that her teenage daughter had just used to wipe glitter gel off of her face. That story has made the rounds.
Wait- So gold doesn't secrete out of everybody's vaginas?
Huh. Must be only mine, then.
Yeah, you know what's REALLY fancy? Bathing.
Without missing a beat, the precocious eight-year-old startled everyone within earshot of our Upper East Side maisonette by asking, "Mommy, why is that lady's hoo-ha so sparkly?"
Cannot wait for Details "True Confession" of the guy in love with his proctologist who sticks a dozen roses up his ass, goes in for a visit and while on all fours shouts "you haven't even gotten to the card yet!" It's a true story! Happened to my uncle's proctologist in Haiti.
@The Real JR:
Platinum, bitch.
And yeah, isn't spraying your crotch with perfume, in lieu of showering, the trashiest thing this side of Dina Lohan?
FactChecking®: for that "not-so-fresh" feeling.
@IBentMyWookie-v2: Why you always gotta one-up me?
I period Rubies, heffa.
If someone's vagina is emitting odors that may offend a gynecologist, then I think that person has greater things to worry about than freshening up with a bottle of perfume. I can only imagine the pain of being the unlucky coworker to enter the bathroom after this lady.
So, is Gyno Uh-Oh the sister of KarenUhOh?
@La Cieca: You think WFMU was behind this prank, too?
Who perfumes their cha-cha before going to the gyno? That is in the same line as hippies slathering patchouli all over themselves to "mask" their non-deoderizedness - ick.
I feel really dated. This is a joke we used to tell in high school. In the late 70s.
ha. haha. fucking ha.
Except in the late 70s we accidentally used the product known as PSSSSSST: the aerosol powder dry shampoo, and the gyno's comment was: "Dandruffy!"
my girl uses SSY. it takes the P.U. out of, well you get the idea.
Hearing this story again has me whistling "Carry Me Back to Old Vaginny."
@GinaRomantica: So true. And instead of dildos, we had Love's Baby Soft. So easy to buy without any shame at all, and afterwards, your nethers smelled like baby powder.
In my family, everyone freshens up with a dollop of Cool Whip.
Know what smells worse than just about anything in the ladyregion? Glitter body spray.
Sparklecrotch! I miss you so.
@NobodyLikesMe: Substituting the glitter for the shampoo "Gee Your Vagina Smells Terrific"?
@La Cieca: Excellent! Send that in to metropolitan diary, quick, while its main reading audience is still alive.
The version I heard of this story - it's been years, so I don't remember if it was in a mag or a chain e-mail - the lady got the sparkles because she used a towel to clean up with that she later realized her daughter had used for arts and crafts or some such shit. What's going on in that house?
And if you go the gyno and he says 'fancy' when he's peering in there - ugh. Time for a new doctor.
And when we mistakenly drank our Body on Tap Shampoo with Real Beer....oooh, foamy!
The real unanswered question: What does this woman do at work that makes her vajayjay so skunky? We should have a poll for this...
my borsht-belt era cousin does a great telling of the proctologist rose joke. really! gets me every time.
and "fancy" ---well, clearly all of us have killed with that one at one time or another.
Doctor: Mrs. Goldblatt, that's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!
Mrs Goldblatt: I have schvartze come in once a week.
Thank you. I'll be here all week. Is this thing on?
No one old enough to visit the gynecologist should be wearing aerosolized fragrances.
i love freaking gynos out like this.
of course i also tape some streamers to my thighs and have my ladyflower blow a noisemaker.
gives it that little extra "fancy" something.
Maybe these stories are all true and showing up to the vag-doc all glittery is really common. You can't ever get rid of that glitter-shit.
Someone give me a good urban legend to explain why I came home at 2 am covered in stripper glitter and smelling like ho-spray.
My favorite is still the variation where she grabs the oven cleaner by accident.
Or maybe she grabbed that spray on hair color, Just for Men, and the gyno said...
"i guess the curtains don't match the drapes"
Then there's the "green stamps" variation.
The amazing thing about this is that a cursory look at the Snopes.com page about the perils of glittery punani is that Cosmo just printed this exact story IN 2004!
It looks like Cosmo's problems go beyond an inability to "fact check" these stories. Apparently, the fine folks at Cosmo can't remember what they printed 2 years ago. A published submission from 2004:
"I had dressed up as Kelly Osborne for Halloween, so I'd bought an aerosol can of pink dye. A couple of days later, I was getting ready for a gynecologist appointment and grabbed a can of feminine deodorant spray. Afterwards, I realized that I'd grabbed the wrong can and given my public hair a dye job. I was running late, so I got dressed and left. When I put my feet up in the stirrups at the doctor's office, he laughed and said "Wow, aren't you stylish!" - Raquel, 32."
http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/feminine/glitter.asp
I'm disappointed that Princess Sparkle Pony hasn't commented.
My aunt told me a version of this story 20 years ago, but instead of spraying perfume to "freshen up", the lady in question dabbed at her jj with a tissue from her purse. Instead of a bedazzled puss, the doc found one that apparently dispensed S&H Greenstamps (which had been stuck to other side of the tissue).
He couldn't figure out if he wanted to trade them in for a sewing machine or a canoe.
This story is a wonderful opportunity to see how many expressions we can come up with for the heynannynanny.
I wonder if what this alleged gyno looked like? I think I would have either finally gotten some or reported him to whomever/whatever.
@SaraM: Freakish mindmeld there. One of us owes the other a Coke!
I don't get it. I thought you were supposed to put glitter on your hoo-hah. That's what they taught me in college.
Actually, it's probably the newest way to ramp up the vag wars. After you've done the cooch flash and Britney's done it and Paris has done it and Dina Lohan is seriously thinking about it, where do you go from there?
Bling.
@raincoaster: "Put some BLING on that THING!" "Make your HEINY SHINY!" "If you can't dazzle 'em with diamonds, GLITTER 'em with GASH!"
The copy almost writes itself. It's a beautiful thing.
OK- Any woman out there who has just shaved her bunny foo-foo or had a brazilian bikini wax KNOWS that there is no way in HELL you would spray perfume on that area! Alcohol Burn! Talk about a FIRECROTCH!
its allarming to me how accepted it seems for women to spray powder/perfume/eau de toilette on their pocketbook. Ladies, a little warm water in the shower is all you need. People do not say 'tastes like pussy' ironocally!
@VenusCloacina: Great ad copy, but what do you name the product?
Gash Glitter
Disco Snatch
Shiny Vaginy
Pu Pu Puuurfect
Sparkletang
@VenusCloacina: Kate White on line one! She's hiring!
Hey, thanks for posting my tip. ;)
Now, if the gyno had popped his head up and had a glitter beard, that would have been a worthy twist.
Hey, I was embarrased when my gyno, who had delivered both my kids, had to pick a bit of TP out of my bush. Glitter spray would have been a step up!
I read one where the girl sprayed that halloween color hair spray there and it was in cosmo.
@VenusCloacina:
Wow! too bad neither of us work for Cosmo!
My cousin says she once had a smiliar incident. But with Silly String. They sent her to a specialist.
I call bullshit solely on the grounds that I refuse to believe that anyone who does not reside in 1996 actually owns body glitter.
(okay so maybe I have a bottle of Bath & Body Works Country Apple glitter lotion but it's deep in the abyss of my medicine cabinet between the expired bottle of Ammoxicylin for the ear infection I had in 1999 and my crimping iron, definitely no where it could be easily accessed by a functionally retarded and stank roommate)
Can't you google everything that ever happened now?