Gawker
There's been a tofu-load of articles out there about "vegansexuals," uptight eco-kids who ostensibly do not copulate (or whatever) with those who don't share their strict dietary standards—prompting a world of possible double entendres that we're just not going to go into here.
But, after joining the Facebook Vegansexuals group, and reading hastily thrown-together articles like this, we started to wonder if vegansexuals actually exist—or if it's just lazy trend journalism at work! (Remember those crazy 'metrosexuals'? They didn't exist either!)
What sparked the flurry of vegansexualism in the press was a rather obscure study out of New Zealand by Dr. Annie Potts, a researcher at the New Zealand Centre for Human-Animal Studies at Canterbuy University, who coined the term while researching "cruelty-free consumption."
One of Potts' subjects said, "...I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually." Another explained, "I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance... they are, after all, literally sustained through carcasses—the murdered flesh of others."
In fact, this sounds more like a psychological problem—or maybe a modern manifestation of the old-fashioned fear of intimacy and sex!—rather than a hot new sexual trend practiced by hip anti-cruelty renegades. Yet somehow, her rather disturbing findings translated into
this and this. Even Tucker Carlson weighed in.
PETA also chimed in, as they will do, on their blog with a missive that dismissed vegansexuals but nonetheless reeked of senseless left-wing ideological prostitution:
"I've even heard rumors from old timers that Ingrid once forbade intra-office dating, simply on the grounds that she wanted the staff out meeting new people to make vegan... that hot guy or gal you're eyeing at the bar just may be on their own personal mission to turn the world vegan one person at a time . . . by any means necessary."On the Vegansexual Facebook group ("because vegans taste so much better," 139 members), one lonely dude posted forlornly, "So I'm guessing I'm the only polyamourous queer vegansexual in Southeastern Michigan?"
Considering the term didn't even exist before last year? You very well might be, man.
Comments
I was wondering what happened to Annie Potts after Ghostbusters.
Yeah, I remember this... only back in the day, they called it "racial/religious intolerance"...
Don't misceginate with the Eye-Talians, Esther!
Is this just viral marketing for Mrs Seinfeld?
Cruelty-free sex?
Not for this guy.
I'm glad that Annie Potts has found work after that Dangerous Minds show was canceled.
Also, if what you're eatin' is bleedin', we ain't breedin'.
@tonashideska: Zoinks. Scooped!
Perhaps someone will drop a roofie in their tofu.
I got major moral issues with sitting across a desk for two hours from some nitwit who had a Quarter Pounder With Cheese for lunch and didn't gargle or floss.
Yeaaaah, I don't have much use in bed for someone who won't eat meat.
lolVegansexuals
If this lady's the best example of vegan-on-vegan procreation, they need a new marketing tool. She sure is special!
Soylent jism is PEOPLE!!!
@The Real JR: Invisible (man)meat!!1!
Just gimme that hot tempe injection.
@KarenUhOh:
Not to mention the fact that he's probably farting like a mental patient.
Well, I like my men how I like my asparagus--wrapped in prosciutto and served on a tray at a party I have no business attending.
This is Darwin in action. . . yeah! Watch the beantards self-select themselves out of the gene pool, rock ON.
So that oral sex question... does the concept of "hiding the sausage" also apply to the whole philosophical question?
And for vegetarians who just don't eat red meat... does that mean that all the men are all about the cunniligus? I mean, seriously. Cause I'll totally start hoeing around the juice bar for some guarantee ish like that.
I really struggle with bodily fluids, too. No matter what I do, they're always coming at me. Sometimes the battles are epic, and it's hard to tell who is victorious. Either way, they always leave their makr.
@LolCait: Chile... that's how I get MY protein. *suck teeth, roll the neck*
whatever dude... I like 'em tall, dark and made of carcasses! vegans are so fun to piss off.
Last week they were just called bigots.
What a coincidence to read this post when I'm sculpting a fire hydrant-sized butt plug from leftover tofurkey.
@Sarcastro: You cost me my job at the Don't-Laugh Factory.
"That hot guy or gal you're eyeing at the bar just may be on their own personal mission to turn the world vegan one person at a time . . . by any means necessary."
That's funny, because my personal mission is to turn vegans (and vegetarians) back into normal people, one at a time, mostly by putting chicken in their Jamba Juice.
I've heard that small birds will actually alight on your shoulder if you are pure enough of a vegan. I have always wanted to try this.
Finally 'a firestorm to purify' makes a lot of sense.
Vegansexuals Do It With Meat Substitutes
How much do I love meat? Baby, I love meat so much, I deglaze the pot roast pan with chicken fat. Honey, I love meat so much, I place turkduckens inside whole roasted wild boar. Sugar, I love meat so much, I just ate a bacon, pancetta, ham and salami sandwich--with pork rinds on the side.
i hate vegans. last guy i dated was a vegan and his only argument was "well you eat meat so you would cook and eat your dog then". he did eat ME out though, for the record.
Come eat my veggie sausage
I'll eat your veggie pie
I'll put my soy cheese in you
You'll scream a veggie cry
We'll have a baby carrot
And give him veggie juice
And age until we turn to mulch
And feed our veggie roots
@TheHonJudgeSmails: Tofurkey is inherently funny. And great to have sex with.
The study identified another problem for vegans: "carnivorous non-human friends", especially those that "refused vegan pet food alternatives". Owners found themselves obliged to make moral compromises and buy pet food containing meat.
IS IT CAN BE BIRD DEAD PLZ?
I was going to go with a "Designing Women" joke myself, so consider it implied.
I'd answer their personal bar conversion mission with a pork martini - shaken, not stirred - sent over to them with a wink and a smile.
@CodePink:
Much relief. I thought you were implying you like men who make your pee stink.
Oh, for the love of prime rib...
@whoneedslight:
I iz no lyking thos guys so much.
@oovy: Damn you, RSS feed! You curbed my chance for a Delta Burke potshot!
Sex without a fetish is like, well, dates without bacon.
After further consideration, I have to say that their argument does amount to a hill of beans.
Har!
if you're a vegan, you don't have the strength to give multiple orgasms anyway.
nothing like a guy giving himself a b12 shot before he gets in between your legs.
I read something about genetically engineered meat and how some vegans would be OK eating tissue grown in a lab from their own muscle cells. They didn’t say anything about eating a dick.
I used to be a vegetarian, I even volunteered for a vegetarian publication for a while. One of the things that turned me back into an almost-omnivore was an article in that publication on making your pets vegan. The author boasted that the only meat her cat had ever eaten was a mouse that he had hunted down and killed! To me its ridiculously cruel to make your cat - a fucking PREDATOR - live by *your* ill-thought-out morality.
I can haz furburger?
This Ms. Potts sounds like the spawn of seitan!
@Carol Gardens: My sister is a near vegan as is her boyfriend. Their dog however is fed regular old massacre kibble.
"Vegansexual" is just another word for "needs to get laid more."
"When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," vegan Nichola Kriek said in The Press, a Christchurch, N.Z., daily.
Something tells me there's a graveyard in her pants all the while.
even worse are freevegansexuals.
i assume these folks don't eat out of dumpsters.
Brittle bones are sexy. That's why I only sleep with anorexics, vegans, and Lindsay Lohan.
Vegans are so limp and joyless.
Replacing real chocolate, cheese and ice cream with substitutes carved out of soy...ugh.
And then there's Moby.
One I took my dog with me to the apartment of this vegan guy I dated. My dog totally took to him (whatever my dog likes everyone), and he goes "Oh see he loves me because he can sense I harm no animals." Later animal control took that dog away for biting some babies who lived in the same condo clusterfuck as me.
Also, you could stick it on a silver platter with all the trimmings and that dude STILL wouldn't have been able to eat pussy to save his soy cheeze eating life.
Oh, I have been waiting for months to say something about this product, and the moment has arrived:
Glyde Vegan Condoms. The jokes write themselves. Here's one: "Honey, if you're planning to eat them, you're using them wrong."
The guy from Southwestern Michigan shouldn't be so sad. Buck up, li'l camper! If you can't find a "polyamorous queer vegansexual" in Ann Arbor, where the hell CAN you?
By which I mean: if they aren't there, enjoy your kinky spinsterhood.
Wait, this isn't about people who have sex with vegetables? Weird.