Gawker
From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman takes a closer look at the sexual harassment lawsuit against New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas.
[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS goes to work for the New York Knicks.]
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Oh! My first day
I am so excited
It's like there's a party
And I've been invited
A wonderful franchise
A wonderful town
I'm floating on clouds
And I'm not coming down
[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS meets ISIAH THOMAS.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
Hello, I am Isiah Thomas.
Have you met my brother John?
He lives inside my boxer shorts
It's him that I depend upon
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I'm sorry, sir
I beg your pardon
I'm new here
Working at the Garden
ISIAH THOMAS:
Well, I'm a big shot around these parts
I'm the coach of the team so I have clout.
Do you know the difference between my wang and a sandwich?
No? Well let's have a picnic, and you can find out.
[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS tries to ignore ISIAH THOMAS's behavior. Still, it continues]
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I really need those papers signed
ISIAH THOMAS:
I'll get on top of you and grind
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
We need to talk about the team
ISIAH THOMAS:
I'll drive the lane until you scream
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Call back the commissioner
ISIAH THOMAS:
My hand's full of conditioner
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Are you ready for the meeting?
They're serving sandwiches and pie
ISIAH THOMAS:
I know which pie I should be eating
So good it makes a grown man cry
[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS challenges ISIAH THOMAS to a game to end the comments.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
I notice you're taller
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
But you're a pro baller
ISIAH THOMAS:
That much I can guarantee
Balling is my specialty
[ANUCHA BROWN SANDERS sighs. She plays the game. ISIAH THOMAS wins, 11-8.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
I've been meaning to ask you this
Will you reach inside my pants?
I'm just looking for a kiss
Without the charm or the romance
[This is the last straw. ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS goes to JAMES DOLAN, the chairman of Madison Square Garden. JAMES DOLAN is holding a lightbulb in his hand and flipping a switch on the wall next to him. He seems confused that the bulb will not illuminate.]
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I hate to be the squeaky wheel
I hate to be a bad news bearer
You need to get things in control
You need to prevent further error
JAMES DOLAN:
This bulb won't light—
It's busted, right?
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
When Isiah said
He would make a pass
I thought he meant an assist
Not him eying my ass
JAMES DOLAN:
Remember when I flicked the switch?
This thing should light without a hitch
Ms. Browne Sanders, will you sit
While I try to get it lit?
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Mr. Dolan, I won't sit
Your request is inappropriate
The people here are inept bosses
Perhaps that explains the team's recent losses
[JAMES DOLAN, stung by her accusation that he is inept — he doesn't know what the word means, but he faintly remembers that words starting with "in" tend to be negative — and furious that she won't help him with his lightbulb problem, fires ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS.]
ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
When Mr. Thomas discussed penetration
And taking it hard to the hole
I played along and was a good sport
But now, Mr. Dolan, I'll see you in court
[Even though JAMES DOLAN is in his own office, he stands huffily and leaves. He goes into the closet instead. The racket of falling mops and brooms is heard. The next day, ISIAH THOMAS heads about the lawsuit.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
I always wear a suit these days
But a lawsuit? Never.
These wily working women
Think that they're so clever
If we're going to trial
I'll do it in style
I'll cruise through the proceeding
Consistently succeeding
Then I'll be sipping Hennessey
In my fancy suite in MSG
Bring on the stupid trial
I'll win by a mile
I was a great ball handler
So why won't she handle my balls?
I wish she'd come and see my office
Or return my repeated calls
Or just accept the fact that
On a crisp November evening
I might wait outside her window
For hours without leaving
I welcome a trial
Have you seen me smile?
[The case goes to court. ISIAH THOMAS explains how ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS's charges will be destructive to the team.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
And stones and sticks
May hurt the Knicks
Throw rocks and twigs
If you insist
Say sexist pigs
Are in your midst
But in the end
Your accusation
Is just a source
Of aggravation
It's only words
It's only names
Our job here
Is to win our games
So fling those sticks
And throw those rocks
But aim them at
The jury box
[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS repeats her claims regarding ISIAH THOMAS's behavior. Other revelations include the fact that former intern KATHLEEN DECKER had sex with Knicks player STEPHON MARBURY in the back seat of a car in the parking lot of a strip club.]
KATHLEEN DECKER:
I got in the car
Excited? Very.
I was about to have a night with Marbury
He shoots, he scores
He's not a scrub
I had just emerged from the topless club
Marbury's a star
Or the closest we've got
And I was drunk in a parking lot
STEPHON MARBURY:
My sneakers cost just fifteen dollars
They're perfect for the country's youth
This intern, man, was even cheaper
That may be rude but it's the truth
[KATHLEEN DECKER then testifies that ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS was an abusive boss.]
KATHLEEN DECKER:
She yelled at me
And made me feel inferior
Even before I had sex
In the car's interior
And pleather stuck
To my posterior
[Suddenly, ANITA HILL bursts into the courtroom.]
ANITA HILL:
He touched me too
It's true. I promise.
ISIAH THOMAS:
Now what the hell?
ANITA HILL:
Sorry—wrong Thomas
[ANITA HILL exits the courtroom. The jury deliberates. They find ISIAH THOMAS guilty. The Knicks are ordered to pay $11.6 million in punitive damages. ISIAH THOMAS addresses the press.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
I'm innocent, very innocent
You can write that down
You can put it in print
I'm being smeared, being very smeared
Just you wait and see
I'll be totally cleared
Of the lies and the slanders
Of Anucha Browne Sanders
[ISIAH THOMAS goes back to Madison Square Garden. His first stop is JAMES DOLAN's office. He picks up the phone immediately and gets back to work.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
Get me Wade!
What do you mean no trade?
Draft Durant!
What do you mean we can't?
How about Ewing?
Are we renewing
His contract? I can't concentrate
So filled am I with rage and hate.
[ISIAH THOMAS realizes that JAMES DOLAN's phone is a plastic prop. It's not even plugged into the wall. This should make him laugh, but it makes him cry.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
I'm not cut out for the normal world
I only know about basketball
Even if I wanted a sexual favor
I never should have asked at all
Maybe I'll be exiled
To Georgia or Wisconsin
All because I wanted her
To touch my Magic Johnson.
[ISIAH THOMAS brightens.]
ISIAH THOMAS:
This verdict is so horrible
And yet, I see a silver lining
Somewhere off beyond the clouds
A ray of sunlight's slyly shining
The things I've been convicted of
Might be a great distraction
From the fact that the team I ran
Performed to no one's satisfaction
When Larry Brown went overboard
I took charge of the Knicks
And they just threw up bricks
Throughout two thousand six
To say they were embarrassing
Is an insult to embarrassments
And so now I will grit my teeth
And tolerate these grim events
[ISIAH THOMAS does appeal the conviction, but only so that the issue of his guilt or innocence will stay in the headlines. The Knicks narrowly squeak by in a preseason exhibition against Tel Aviv and are blown out by the Cavaliers, 112-83, in the season opener.]
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.
Previously: Fragments From 'Me And O.J.! The Musical'
