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    Fragments from 'Rupert! The Musical'

    From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. This week resident composer Ben Greenman examines the inner life of Rupert Murdoch, media mogul.

    [The stage is dark, and then it is light. A number of attractive young women dressed as NEWSPAPER BOXES roller skate across the stage from left to right. They are wearing black leggings and they are singing, almost too soft to hear.]

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    The long climb up from way Down Under
    How did it happen? Sometimes I wonder.

    [The stage goes dark. When the lights return, there is a man standing onstage, his face covered by a newspaper. He lowers that newspaper to reveal that he is RUPERT MURDOCH. He begins to sing.]


    RUPERT MURDOCH
    To give a full account of my ascent into glory
    I'll have to take a moment to recount a tragic story.

    Do you know about Max Stuart?
    I don't really see why you would
    But unless I tell you about him
    I don't think I can be understood.

    This was fifty years ago
    In South Australia, near Ceduna
    Families were playing on
    The beaches in the afternoon. A
    Girl of nine went near the water—
    Girls of nine will do that.
    The parents could not find their daughter.
    Her body was found with her face smashed flat.

    Max Stuart was a carny.
    He was traveling through town.
    Suspicion fell upon him.
    The law rose up to bring him down.

    At the time I ran a newspaper
    The News in Adelaide
    We took up Stuart's innocence
    As a passionate crusade

    With journalistic pressure
    We averted Stuart's hanging
    I felt a surge of pride
    We got results with our haranguing

    [NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. This time they move from right to left, stopping center-stage to twirl around slowly.]

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    It is every newsman's dream.
    To bring real change to the regime.

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    You're right, I guess.
    At first, well, yes.

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    What do you mean? Did something go wrong?
    We sense that the answer is in your next song.

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    Stuart did not hang
    He was sentenced to life
    (Eventually he earned parole,
    Began to paint and took a wife).

    But my part in the trial
    Wasn't taken in stride
    The government and I
    Were fated to collide

    I was called on the carpet
    By Playford, the premier
    Stuart was guilty, he insisted
    And I had interfered.

    To avoid a charge of sedition
    I would have to sacrifice
    My best friend at the newspaper.
    I bit my lip and paid the price.

    Since then I have grasped
    The meaning of true power
    Without it, you are eaten
    With it, you devour

    A lesser man might have backed off
    And withdrawn into contemplation
    A great man such as I set out
    To dominate the nation

    [NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. They are crossing left to right again, but now they are wearing short skirts.]

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    Did he fail? We tend to doubt it.
    Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    My riches went up like an Australian pine
    And soon the Antipodes were mine, all mine.

    In sixty-eight, I went to Britain
    In seventy-six, to the States
    My need for expansion has proven
    The most durable of my traits

    I have the Post. I have Fox.
    I have Sky TV and Star TV
    I have the Times in London
    I have MySpace and TGRT

    My total combined holdings
    Are far too vast to measure
    And still, acquiring more things
    Brings me a powerful pleasure

    I think that I need to consider
    Another major acquisition
    What property can I snap up
    That will advance my mission?

    [NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are wearing only brassieres and underwear.]

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    What now? What now?

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    How 'bout the Dow?

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    The Dow? Oh, wow!

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    That's right. And how.

    [The lights go out suddenly. When they come back up, RUPERT MURDOCH is center-stage, bathed in a white light.]

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    How much for this?
    How much for that?
    I'll buy it all
    In no time flat.

    Ten thousand for that peanut!
    A million for that stick!
    I want it! I want it!
    Not getting it will make me sick!

    [NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are topless.]

    NEWSPAPER BOXES
    Getting things is what makes him tick.
    Not getting things just makes him sick.

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    I know that I've made enemies
    But am I that infernal
    Just because I want to
    Own the Wall Street Journal?

    The price I'm offering
    Is far more than fair
    It works out in the end to over
    Sixty bucks a share

    [NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are nude but mute—when they open their mouths to sing, no sound comes out.]

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    Hey, newspaper girls
    I won't feel better
    Until I've written a letter
    So please, no more twirls.

    [RUPERT MURDOCH starts to dictate a letter. As he speaks, the newspaper boxes open and papers printed with his words begin to fly out.]

    RUPERT MURDOCH
    "They say that I am evil
    They say that I'm right-wing
    They say that I am ruthless
    These words have lost their sting.

    "They say that I am trying
    To consolidate my wealth
    But I have found that buying
    Things contributes to my health

    "Soon I will own Dow Jones
    And after that, who knows?
    Maybe the planet Neptune
    Or a zoo of CEOs.

    "It's hard to know just what to buy
    When you have this much cash
    It gets more and more difficult
    To do something that makes a splash.

    "They say that I'm rapacious
    Well, you know, no shit, Sherlock
    This letter finds me quite loquacious.
    Yours sincerely, Rupert Murdoch"

    [RUPERT MURDOCH pulls up his pants legs to reveal that he, too, is wearing roller skates. He skates directly toward the audience; as he reaches the lip of the stage he disappears in a puff of smoke.]

    Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

    Previously: Fragments From 'Stung! The Musical'


    Contact information for this author is not available.