TO: All @ Gawker
FROM: Editorial
RE: Our Byzantine Ovaries

It has been brought to our attention by this week's Village Voice expos on The Burden of Being a Woman that you chicks on staff really have it rough. Evidently our biological clocks consume 20-25% of your minds on most days! We're so sorry; we thought you were spacing out because of your inferior brains, but it turns out that you just wanted to make babies. In fact, it seems like your vaginas are up to some tricky shit, and it has driven you all crazy. We had no idea! Please take the rest of the year off, ladies, and work on resolving that nuclear family dream which has made you so conflicted.

In the meantime we'll be hold down the fort because, per our contracts, all remaining editorial fallopian tubes have been tied.

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