Gawker
We've always been of the mind that realtors are the human incarnation of pure evil (see: the CorcoDevil), but perhaps the situation is a bit more literal than one might think. It's one of those great, insane, "Christ, we love this town" sort of stories: Upper West Side resident Daniel Farash put his condo up for sale and then left town for the weekend so that his broker, Julie Johnson of Warburg Realty, could host an open house. The open house didn't go so well, which may have something to do with what Farash encountered upon his return, which was traumatic enough to merit a lawsuit:
Daniel Farash said he returned home to his three-bedroom apartment on West 79th Street after a weekend away to discover many of his mattresses had been urinated on, his belongings broken and laid out in strange patterns - and his broker naked and chanting in a closet.
"I was ambushed. She came out of that closet like a lunatic. She was naked holding my mother's vase in one hand and a towel in another and screaming all this nonsense," Farash, 44, told The Post. "Portions of my house were turned into . . . a satanic temple . . . like some sort of witchcraft. I was in shock. You're talking about your home - you're talking about your real-estate broker."
Farash noticed that Johnson had arranged his broken belongings in "configurations to look like a woman giving birth"; she had also emptied her bowels in his closet and was seen earlier that day running around the building's common areas, naked and screaming.
But? Finally, a broker who isn't a total fake. Better this than those creepy permasmiles.
The Devil's Apt. Broker [NYP]
Comments
Over/under until this is made into a Law and Order episode: 3 months.
The same exact thing happened when my realtor held an open house at my house. A few good offers over asking price came in, so I cannot really complain, though.
I'm sure the no-parking flyers have already been posted on someone's tree-lined block.
In light of the satanic rituals, it's no surprise that Warburg's profile of her says "Let her work her real estate magic for you today!" No thanks.
Looks like Melissa Berklehammer's make-up artist does work for other, crazier clients.
This is the most awesome thing I have read in all of 2006. Seriously.
She must not have known that you wait until after closing to do the ritual. Amateur.
Over/under until this scenario is included into a yet-unreleased major motion picture, starring either Meg Ryan or Nicole Kidman in the Julie Johnson role: 2 years.
This is the most awesome thing I've read in all of 2006. Seriously.
My bet:
Farash made the whole thing up to get out an exclusive contract with Warburg. Corcoran probably offered 5%.
From her bio on Warburg's page:
"Whether it's a townhouse, loft, or traditional apartment, her love for architecture and design helps her find the perfect place for you to call home. She also possesses expertise in all types of rentals. A New Yorker for 20 years and former actress, she had a contract role on One Life To Live, and appeared in over 60 national TV commercials. Let her real estate magic work for you today!"
Sounds to me like one of those "Casual Encounters" on Craigslist gone terribly awry.
Somewhere in the stinky bowels of the HGTV HQ in Knoxville, TN, a lightbulb goes off...
Johnson had arranged his broken belongings in "configurations to look like a woman giving birth"
Extreme feng shui, that.
Who knew Tori Amos would make such a bad broker?
Law & Order or movie? Maybe but definitely a Lifetime movie with that actress from "Yes Dear" sitcom and oh, the Hoff as townhouse owner. But who will play the vase and defecation?
Does this mean the price has dropped? And that photo looks like it's from the 70s. I wonder what she looks like now.
if she was naked, at least that means her shoes were off.
On my way to work this morning I caught that headline and a few snippets of copy over someone's shoulder.
When that person got off the train I thought to myself, "I hope that is as good as it sounds and that Gawker posts it".
THANK YOU GAWKER
Now they can update the listing to 2+ bathrooms.
What's with her complexion? Tan between her eyes and upper lips, pale forehead, mouth and chin. That should have been the first clue she wasn't carrying a full load.
Joke all you want... but at least Linda Blair's able to get work...
Salamandre: that explains everything. If I had had such an illustrious acting career, I'd be shitting in closets too.
Salamandre: That explains everything. If I had such an illustrious acting career, I'd be shitting in someone else's closets too.
Not your own closet. No. Of course not.
I'll let the lady's bio speak for itself:
With her astonishing energy, Julie is the firm's undisputed leader in total transactions for six years consecutively, and is among the top ten performers in dollar volume. Whether it's a townhouse, loft, or traditional apartment, her love for architecture and design helps her find the perfect place for you to call home. She also possesses expertise in all types of rentals. A New Yorker for 20 years and former actress, she had a contract role on One Life To Live, and appeared in over 60 national TV commercials. Let her real estate magic work for you today!
she's definitely got that "It's all for you, Damien" look in her eye.
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