Six-foot-tall amateur food semiotician Allen Salkin takes a close look at women who eat red meat on the first date. Why do they do it? Well, women eat meat mostly to fool guys into thinking they aren't neurotic, says Martha Flach—and she should know, as she's an Altarcations winner! Eating steak is also totally the new new new wave feminism. "Ordering meat...is a declarative statement, something along the lines of 'I am woman, hear me chew,'" says a vagina-blessed person. Salkin himself, although he probably has no vagina in his own body, postulates that "[t]he mediums of steak and hamburger each send a different message." Right, is true! And only sluts order their steaks rare.

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