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If you feel like killing someone, make sure you do it in Jersey—starting today all you'll get for it is a roof over your head and three square meals a day for the rest of your life. (Also: the inability to walk more than 6 steps in one direction.) If we were us, which we may very well still be, and in a particularly vengeful state of mind, which we also may be, we'd want dibs on whoever miscalculates our ConEd bill every single fucking month. And maybe that little smart mouth from our fourth grade class who taunted kids by saying "I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you." Also totally worth it—people who don't seem to understand that sidewalks in New York City operate the same way as major highways. Dawdle in the passing lane on the left at your own peril, got it? But surely there are better candidates for a one-way ticket to the afterlife under our sister state's friendly new policy?
Who Would You Bump Off Now That New Jersey's Banned Executions?
2:10 PM on Mon Dec 17 2007
By Maggie
1,141 views
70 comments
Comments
Ha! Spot on with the sidewalk remark, Maggie. May I add:
1) Those who walk more than two abreast anywhere, anytime.
2) Those who ride on the left of the escalator.
3) Anyone who sprints through Grand Central (although they should just a good clotheslining).
4) Rosie.
starting today all you'll get for it is a roof over your head and three square meals a day for the rest of your life
You're forgetting the anal cavity searches, the lack of an outside world, and never being able to actually own anything without fear of it being confiscated.
But I'm sure the food is great, and you meet a lot of wonderful people.
People with baby strollers (in any location). Uggs and Crocs wearers. Bill O'Reilly.
Cormac McCarthy.
Norman Mailer.
Oh.
How about:
1) people who walk straight into you to board the subway, even though (a) they're supposed to wait for everyone to get off and (b) you're right fucking there in front of them, and
2) Jonathan Franzen, for being such a dipshit.
PEOPLE WHO RIDE BICYCLES IN NEW YORK AND SAY MOFO
I would kill no one.
Fucking everybody?
@wonky: I would amend that to read: People who think riding a bicycle in New York gives them the magical right to ignore red lights and slice directly through dense crowds of pedestrians. Also, people who bring their bicycles on the Subways during rush hour. Like, you've already got your bike, Mr. Tight Shorts, why the f*** are you on the train?!?!?!1?
Award-winning authors best stay the fuck out of Jersey.
The subject of every Gawker piece?
I would kill everyone in the state of New Jersey with no exceptions. Then, I'd repopulate it with a small army that would fend off New York from intruders from Flyover States.
@Conbon: @TheHonJudgeSmails: I've spoken to both of them on the phone before. Good times.
RACHAEL RAY - that woman should be put in solitary confinement.
People, People. The only place to commit murder is your nation's capital, Washington D.C. There are at least 9 law enforcement agencies with cross-jurisdictions, no death penalty, they lose prisoners all the time, and there's a 75-80% chance you'll never even go to trial! [www.examiner.com]
@Conbon: They try.
Hey look, if you're in Jersey who needs a prison?
@ejjakid6: she keeps going the way she is, the only thing bigger than her smile will be her butt and there would be no cell big enough.
BTW, Dunkin' Donuts coffee blows.
@PandoraSpocks: Hell you might even get elected for being tough in crime.
SO many places to go with this. I'll have to start with people who bring strollers - usually with their kids in them - into bars. On Friday or Saturday nights.
@Michael Jahn: Mailer is from Long Branch. Or was. Before Smails killed him.
@ejjakid6: Can he form a sentence in conversation? Or is the affliction pandemic?
Also men who think its okay to make gross commments to me on the street for whatever reason - the mood hits, they're feeling horny, whatevs.
@Ack: I used to have a woman friend who carried a water pistol loaded with piss for just such occasions.
I can't really think of anybody but here goes: Julia, Mandy, Jakob, Super Preppy, Joe Francis, Bill O'Reilly, my former mother-in-law, several former bosses, a lazy co-worker who "lion yawns" all day, people who don't say "excuse me" when they run right into you, those who monopolize gym machines, self-absorbed parents of bratty kids, and people screaming into cell phones.
@Michael Jahn: Agreed. @Conbon: Barely (though what transpired over the phone could not technically be called a "conversation"). He's a gravelly stutterer.
How about Rod Stewart? He bugs me a little. Can he die too?
@scroll_lock: you forgot Paul Janka.
@scroll_lock: John Fitzgerald Page and Anthony G's wrangler.
@iwn2000: Surprising what the tip of an umbrella that accidentally finds its way between the spokes of a rude bicyclist's ride can do. Why hurt your knuckles when the pavement punches so much harder?
And STAY OUT OF MAGGIE'S WAY!!!!
@scroll_lock: Yes - the lion yawn - nice! Also, people who essentially scream at the top of their lungs when they sneeze. "But it's out of my control!" Bullshit. And if you really can't control it, then go to an allergist so I don't crap myself every time you sneeze.
@Ack: If I compliment your physique, will you hold me accountable?
@rod: Good one.
Lola Ogunnaike, CNN entertainment correspondent. Veronica De La Cruz, CNN internet correspondent. Sanjay Gupta, CNN chief medical Correspondent. Hey CNN, can my ass get it's own correspondent now too?
Yes I spelled "its" wrong. Such is the extent of my rage.
@fiveinchtaint: YES- the earth-rattling sneezers! Also, people who clip their nails at their desks.
@Unfun: I totally second Gupta. Dude gets on my nerves.
Oh, and Carrot Top. Charity kill - someone should put him out of his misery.
If anyone is looking for me I'll be offing my douchetard ex on the PATH train this afternoon. Goody goody!
People who correct obvious typos because they can't bear the thought of anyone thinking they're less than brilliant.
Wait how does one detect a miscalculation on a Con Ed bill? Do you actually read your own meter?
@Unfun:
I don't want to see Lola on CNN dead, just slapped. Hard.
kevin bacon.
@RocketSurgeon:
All Comedians. Except....Nope, no exceptions. Time to start over.
The "don't taste me bro" guy.
Glenn Beck, Larry King, Justin Timberlake.
@NotAndersonCooper: I wouldn't have agreed with you before last night, when I saw some dude named Wayne Federman doing standup on Comedy Central. He should mow my lawn and pay me $10 because he sucks and should be destroyed.
French tourists who leave sugar, napkins, and spilt coffee all over the tables at Starbucks. Dicks who can't lift a toilet seat and then piss with the aim of Prick Cheney. The brilliant minds of MTA and every third passenger on the L train. Suri Cruise, for her own sake.
Is it Monday?
Jessica Simpson, Eva Longoria, the cast of High School Musical, TV evangelical preachers, etc.
...oh, Zach Braff...
Karl Rove. Never forget.
People who eat smelly egg-cheese-n-sausage McBarfins on the subways in the morning, filling the car with their nauseous stink, and THEN leave the wrappers and stuff all over their seat.
Also, moms who allow their child to have a "learning moment" by helping them up the subway stairs one at a time while the rest of us slobs are stuck behind her.
Pretty much all my hatred manifests during my subway commute. The rest of the time, I love and would kiss everyone.
don't TASTE me??
Malcolm Gladwell. Thin-sliced. It would be a quick kill.
And anyone who lets kids sing "The Wheels on the Bus" in public places.
@Michael Jahn: Your friend is my hero.
@fiveinchtaint: If by "compliment my physique" you mean "make an unwelcome comment about my body" and by "hold accountable" you mean "shove my foot up your ass," then yes.
@blix: Also doting mommies and aunties who have the kid sing the ABCs repeatedly and tell him how smart he is. [we were stuck on the tarmac in St. Louis for 3hrs. I am still mad 2 years later.]