Last night, American figure skater and suspected Kabbalahist Sasha Cohen took two heartbreaking falls in her long program, losing her gold medal lead and settling instead for silver. But if you didn't know that by now, you're a goddamned commie.

Through our tears of disappointment, we listened to the NBC announcers' tasteful analysis as Cohen exited the ice. The most insightful commentary came from Sandra Bezic, who noted, "Some people skate to Romeo and Juliet, but she is Juliet." Oh, great — so we know how this ends, then?

A Night of Nerves Is Settled on a Turn of Elegance [NYT]

Contact information for this author is not available.