OMG, was last night just not the best fucking night of your life? After a long season of masturbation, Hollywood had its climactic release splattered all about the red carpet. Really, the Oscars just grabbed ahold of our tiny little heartstrings and tugged away for three-and-a-half hours. We were breathless for the whole thing: The glory of victory (Michelle Williams lost that baby weight — you go, girl!), the agony of defeat (Jennifer Garner's near fall), the laughter (Three 6 Mafia, holla), the tears (Crash? Are we serious?).

If you're already growing lonesome for last night's self-love, relive the glory, minute by minute, with the liveblogs:

• Our sleazy brother at Defamer documents his alcoholism in tandem with the decline of civilization.
• Us Weekly monitors the moments that matter without actually offending any publicists.
• LA Weekly lets Nikki Finke spit her venom all over the entire telecast.
• And though it's not a liveblog, it's worth noting that the Times' Oscar blogger David Carr finally opens up about his rug burns. Oh, don't we know it.