She won, right?

Mario Lopez, cultural ambassador for The Betterment of Cartography, is disgusted.

U-S-Americans [!!!]

"In addition, the Iraq and South Africa and other Asian countries should look at maps and take them to the other maps and then they should dig a hole maybe to China to show them the maps and then maybe all the maps will be better so US American school kids can know what a map of Asia looks like, especially where South Africa is in Asia, and then the US Americans will be smarter than the Iraq and then Osama won't be able to see the map. Also, freedom."

@mlc: God, I hope she did.

@mlc

Third runner up apparently. I shudder to think of what the fourth runner up might have said

@thomas: Hell. Even Corky from "Life Goes On" vomited after watching that.

go cocks! (GROAN.)

That poor thing.

Talk dat isk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the pride of Greenville-Spartanburg.

You should see what little miss teen queen did with a folded map on her Facebook photos. "Miss New Jersey, line one."

She's purty.

All hope is not lost: I understand that the position of Attorney General has just opened up. I'm sure she would be shoe-in!

Her parents would be so ashamed. Good thing they're just a pair of spark plugs and a boneless chicken breast.

"And, world peace! But only for U.S. Americans."

Poor thing is a victim of No Child Left Behind.

Made perfect sense to me.

I wish Harry_Greek was here to tell me how to feel about this [fade to montage of dumb comments with "So Hard to Say Good Bye" playing in the background].

You know, if Jessi hadn't kicked that addiction to caffeine pills, she could have stayed up all night and tutored Miss South Carolina on the tricky nuances of the world's geopolitical boundaries.

Damn you Zach!

"The Iraq, everywhere like, such as." Awesome.

Actually, during the talent portion that came earlier in the night she snorted a bunch of ground up Plan B that was arranged in an outline of her home state. So she was just a bit fucked up, that's all. Jeez, give her a break.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank God I'm from North Carolina.

She's doing about as well as certain blog editors do with their apostrophes.

What a brilliant satire of our president.

Awwww...at least she finished well. Her Colgate smile was super pretty!

That was harder to watch than the toddler getting kicked in the head.

More proof that the results of "No Child Left Behind" are clearly debatable. Little Lauren Caitlin was obviously left behind the bus as it pulled out for smarts-ville. Must have been the fumes.

and finally, the identity of "lolcait" has been revealed!!!

@Helman: i stopped with about 10 seconds left. too painful.

December 20, 1860...if we'd have just let their secession stand we wouldn't have them dragging us down.

She makes George Bush sound like Noam Chomsky.
How embarrassing.

@the cajun boy: Hey! Why so mean on a Monday?

The man holding the microphone is doing a good job of not cracking up.

But why is Jessica Simpson in a beauty pageant?

@stella_was_a_diver: I often saw Chris Burke ("Corky") walking around Union Square, looking quite dashing actually, decked out in classy suits. Next time this happens, I'm going to confront him, ask him what he thinks about the lack of maps in America and how South Africa might better be able to triangulate its location by adding pencil sharpeners to schools in Des Moines, and freeing sex offenders jailed prior to 1993. I will then slowly walk away, knowing I ruined his afternoon.

Isn't this where Merry Miller got her start?

@LolCait: Check your calendar: it's actually Meanday.

Trying to appreciate this when my computer doesn't have sound is like trying to watch Rock of Love with your Muslim grandmother, trying to watch a foreign film without the subtitles, trying to get high but not having any rolling papers then after smoking and when you've got the munchies realizing that the apple you used was the only food in the house, &c., &c.
Please for the transcription of this (or at least a smattering of favourite quotes). Much appreciated.

Ummm . . . world peace?

The actual problem isn't that of U.S. Americans finding U.S. America on a map. It's that New Jersey and Connecticut finding South Carolina on a map!

Not that Upton should complain. Lord knows she wouldn't have made third if it wasn't for her extra breast.

Is that the dude from Saved by the Bell?

I am so proud to be a U.S. American.

@the cajun boy: I actually have gotten past "U.S. Americans." I'll keep trying.

I'm from SC, but I am smart enough to know that it should be

"Americans' inability"

I am embarassed for my state, but come on! the other girls got questions about Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay. Seriously.

@Nard38: "have not"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South African, and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ... I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

It's really too good to miss for all those without youtube access at work.

@LolCait: oh no...that wasn't a shot at you personally. it's just that her middle name is "caitlin" and she's "lol" in an oh so endearingly shitteous way.

thus, "lolcait."

I haven't seen a Miss Teen USA speech this good since Miss Teen Louisiana, Ali Landry -- before the speech coach beat the Cajun accent out of her -- told the whole world about her frog-gigging expeditions on Friday nights in Louisiana. (She lost that year... but later won the real deal ... and by that, I mean a brief marriage to Mario Lopez)

You'd better watch it, bub. The cows know where you live.

@SpecialK: hey watch it! ali's a fellow cajun AND a friend of mine. and for the record, she was miss usa, not miss teen usa. although i do think that she competed in the teen usa thing once upon a time. and mario's possibly a bigger douche than anyone can ever imagine. oh the stories that i could tell!

and don't knock frog-gigging until you've tried it. besides, we had nothing better to do growing up down there.

Kelly Pickler was in Miss Teen USA?

@Meredith: and she won't be able to find her way back, apparently. hopefully she packed some bread crumbs.

Shouldn't that be As Smarter As the President?

@LolCait: I piddled.

Hey just because you got the Cajun in your handle doesn't mean you're the only one running around in these parts. The embarrassing moment I'm talking about happened when she was on Miss Teen USA and, like I said, when she still had her Breaux Bridge accent going full-tilt (I think she ended up runner-up in that one). I met her sometime after that at a house party in Opelousas and she'd done the necessary work on her accent. (I don't know if you still have yours, but unlike the Southern accent, most Northerners don't find the Cajun one charming.)

Somehow went I sent in this tip I knew that Balk would be the one to pick up on it. Introduce her to Balk's Cock, that ought to smarten her up.

@LolCait: You forgot Jesus.

I can practically read her mind as she's answering:
"huh? i have to speak? ohmygodmy brainis meltingfromallthatsemen i ate earlier oh godi'mforgetting...whatdid mycoachtellmeto say beforeigotlockjaw from... ohyeah!... And The Future Will Be Better For All Our Children!"

@SpecialK: no shit! i wonder if i can find that clip on youtube? as for my cajun accent i worked really hard not to have one. i ALWAYS thought that it sounded dumb. i will admit that it does come out occasionally with certain words when i'm hideously drunk.

@EvidenceOfAbsence: Ok - I am from Connecticut and can find South Carolina on a map. In elementary were taught that was the little state in between North Carolina and Georgia labeled "KKK".

She could follow in the tradition of another fellow South Carolinian more famous for her product- and surgery-amplified beauty than her ability to speak coherently: The lovely Vanna White, of scenic North Myrtle Beach.

Or she could just go on the Colbert Report for a little Palmetto tete-a-tete...

It kind of sounded like a run-on Foxymoron.

You guys are missing the genius in her statement. She has told us that unlike us U.S. Americans who don't have maps, Iraq is filled with them! This is why we have been unable to locate any W.M.Ds. We were looking for weapons of mass destruction but what we should have been seeking out was Wahidah's Map Discounters! Mapquest shows that it is in south Bagdhad just past Salwa's House of Falafel.

Right about now, Lauren Caitlin is thinking that signing the last line of her centerfold biography, in which she proclaims her love for her "pet cat, Muffie," her disdain for "mean people" and her life ambition "to feed the starving children of the world with my own breast," is more her speed ...