• future tense

    Once The Fertilizers Move In

    Rod Townsend sometimes receives phone calls from The Future, a mysterious entity that knows where things will be in New York after the Starbucks and Whole Foods have blanketed the town and then disappeared. More »

    6:38 PM on Wed Oct 31 2007
    By "false"
    3,576 views, 31 comments

  • past over

    The Past Is Over

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), used to receive telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembered where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Oh, kneadynips, it's The Past. Can I just tell you it's all so over?"

    "Over the top? Over the limit? Overdone? Overcooked?"

    "It's just, like, Over. Nightlife is just getting weird. I can't even have fun at Limelight." More »

    6:10 PM on Wed Oct 24 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    6,743 views, 60 comments

  • past over

    Hitting The Showers At Jack LaLanne

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Sizzlesac, I joined a gym, and let me tell you—I'm completely worn out. "

    "That's fantastic! Healthy living! Are you focusing on cardio or weight training?"

    "Um, yeah. Those and blowjobs."

    "Please tell me you're not becoming one of those 'Steam Queens' with the red faces and bulging eyes. In addition to being bad for you, it's just...."

    "Steam rooms and saunas are for amateurs. At Jack LaLanne's the sex is everywhere." More »

    12:20 PM on Fri Oct 19 2007
    By Choire
    4,833 views, 20 comments

  • past over

    Getting Tunneled At The Tunnel Bar

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Plastipoon, have you ever seen 'The Accused'?"

    "The Jodie Foster movie? I think so, but it's been years."

    "Well, I totally saw a scene from it played out tonight at Tunnel Bar." More »

    3:00 PM on Tue Oct 9 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    6,202 views, 26 comments

  • past over

    Hell Is Other People's Penises With Drugs On Them

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town."Hello?"

    "Oh, snickersnatch, cheer The Past up. I'm down in the dumps."

    "Sounds pretty bad."

    "So bad I was crying to a Janet Jackson song."

    "That's pretty severe. Has this been going on for a while?"

    "No, my depression started when I did a line off a pierced cock in a bathroom stall at Hell!"

    More »

    1:50 PM on Thu Sep 13 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    5,250 views, 23 comments

  • past over

    The Death Of Wigstock

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Oh, hi. Are you doing okay? Is everything all right?"

    "Such concern from The Past? I guess I'm okay, I mean there are..."

    "Ah, putridpits, that's great for you, but I'm feeling lost. I just don't know what to do."

    "Oh, no. What happened?"

    "It's Labor Day weekend and there's not going to be a Wigstock!" More »

    4:51 PM on Thu Aug 30 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    4,388 views, 24 comments

  • past over

    The East Village's Crow Bar

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "All the world is waiting for yoooooooou, and the power you possessssss."

    "Okay. That's definitely a song from The Past. But I can't place it."

    "In your satin tights, fighting for your rights, and the old red, white, and bluuuuuuuuuuuue!"

    "Okay, I give. Why are you singing the Wonder Woman theme song?"

    "Gobblegash! You know that song? It's just been stuck in my head from watching Candace Cayne and Girlina kiki it at Crow Bar!" More »

    4:10 PM on Thu Aug 23 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    3,949 views, 12 comments

  • past over

    Meow Mix And The Women Who Loved Only Women

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo) sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Annoyed. The Past is annoyed."

    "And talking in third person."

    "Cursed queeny affectations. They come out when I'm worked up. My hands are flailing like one of those rainbow-pride wind-socks that the lesbians love to put outside their apartment windows. Lesbians. Ugh."

    "Am I gathering that your current mental state is somehow tied to the lady-loving ladies?"

    "Yes, sprinklesplooge, YES! I just got kicked out of Meow Mix. Again!" More »

    6:00 PM on Thu Aug 9 2007
    By Rod Townsend
    6,417 views, 38 comments

  • past over

    Save Patricia Field, Save The World

    Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo) sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

    "Hello?"

    "Oh, yeah, hi. It's The Past. I'm so glad you're home. I'm having a total clean-mergency. Any idea how to get cum out of red satin?"

    "Red satin? Are you at a bordello or a prom after-party?"

    "There's no time for joking about this. I'm really serious—these are my favorite pants, tinkletits!"

    "Red satin pants? Where in the world would you get red satin pants?"

    "What ridiculous questions you ask sometimes. Pat Field's place over on Eighth Street, of course!" More »

    12:25 PM on Tue Jul 24 2007
    By Doree Shafrir
    5,251 views, 24 comments