Gawker
Curious about what's going on in Glamour tardblogger Alyssa Shelasky's Hamptonsy lifestyle? Look no further than her latest work of blogcraft, which is about how she is focusing less on spinning and more on working her core. Omg, what?? Here's how it begins: "Tried a new workout today. It's called Core Fusion—and it focuses on, well, your core. At first I didn't like it. I was surrounded by a bunch of soccer moms (aka MILFS) and they made me a little uncomfortable. I missed the young, energized, eccentric spin crowd. But it got better. After a few stretches I could feel my muscles responding really positively. I've been spinning so much that it felt incredible to push other parts of my body. It also felt nice to exercise without absolutely killing myself. No matter how many spinning classes I take, I'm still in screaming pain during some of those climbs. With that said, another perk with freelancing is the ability to take care of myself like this. I'll never take that for granted." Are you sitting down? Cause that's not all.
While I'm not losing weight from all this exercise (that's not my goal, anyways), [Ed: OKAYYYY???] I have to say, my body feels better than ever. Very empowering. One funny thing though, since working-out has become such a big part of my life, I tend to invite anyone and everyone along. Yes, I'm that girl who makes her weekend guests wake up at 7am for "Beach Boot Camp," or something obsessive like that. Anyway, lately I've lured a few guys into spin class with me. (Men love the concept of spinning — they think they'll be surrounded by sex-deprived, calorie-counting women, and that the class will be easy and they'll look like heroes. Wrong!) Some of these guys are friends, some are healthy competitors and a few are flirtatious crushes. With all the intermingling of boys and sweat and heavy breathing, there's something totally ridiculous I need help with. I'm embarrassed to ask, but I cannot find a way to look cute while I work out. My hair frizzes, my mascara runs and I am absolutely drenched after like, one sit-up. Does anyone have any secrets to looking sexy at the gym? I know I shouldn't care. But I do! I just do.Well, Alyssa. That makes one of us.
Introducing My Core [Alyssa]
Comments
After careful scrutiny, I'm pretty sure the "core" doesn't really exist. It's just some made-up bodypart people use to make money off the gullible. You know, like the g-spot, or the spleen, or the soul.
Wait--who wants to sleep with soccer moms?
OMG I totally have this exact same problem when I'm doing water aerobics. I'm always like, "What?" and the people are like "Huh?" and I get totally embarrassed. I wonder what makeup tastes like...
Does her pimp know she's been freelancing?
>Yes, I'm that girl who makes her weekend guests wake up at 7am for "Beach Boot Camp," or something obsessive like that.<
Great. As if guys need one more reason not to want to sleep with you.
The pain of her spinning class would pale if she ever tried to wake me up at 7 a.m. on a weekend for an effing "Beach Boot Camp." Who does that?!
Core Fusion?
Sorry, that's Pilates.
Somebody put a dick in that girl's hands to stop her from typing.
Howabout focusing on looking cute when you're not working out, Alyssa? We must learn to crawl before we learn to walk.
okay, i understand this space is meant to mock alyssa, but i must ask: is it just me or do sweaty, make up smeared, frizzy haired girls look pretty hot? i mean, girls besides alyssa. the gym often generates that, you know, that just f***ed sort of look. i think it's sexy. thoughts?
I, like, TOTally need to, like, look hot at the gym, like, because there are SO MANY straight men there.
Do people no long have to be able to write in order to find jobs as writers?
If her hair doesn't frizz, her mascara doesn't run, and she is not absolutely drenched during actual sex, then I think her core is totally fused.
She looks like she could use a good coring, actually.
As someone who does Thai kickboxing, this lady does not know shit about painful excercise. Also, Pilates and spinning will not really help you rock climb. You need a) strong forearms and fingers and b) strong toes and ankles. And then you need to do lots of isometric "tensing" excercises to get your muscles used to long periods of clenching without getting that shitty lactic acid burn.
Teh moar u know.
I want to take an em-power tool to my skull after [like] reading that slop.
As for her sweating problem [poor dear!], I suggest full-body Botox treatments. . . daily.
Listen, I really feel for Alyssa. It's hard to look cute when mascara's dripping down your face. I'm actually dealing with that problem now: I read this article and started crying at my desk (WHY, OH WHY, MUST GAWKER MAKE ACCESS TO ALYSSA DRIVEL SO EASILY ACCESSIBLE?!), and now I don't look cute AT ALL.
"I was surrounded by a bunch of soccer moms (aka MILFS) and they made me a little uncomfortable."
Brave girl, boldly entering the pack of soccer moms. Just don't look them in the eyes or they may attack.
I would love to go to one of her workouts and just shine a laser pointer around and watch her try to catch it for a few hours.
"No matter how many spinning classes I take, I'm still in screaming pain during some of those climbs."
This still does not even come close to the horrific level of pain we feel upon realizing that someone actually employs you, Alyssa.
Also, I understand there's no quicker way to a man's penis than humiliating him in front of a bunch of women at the gym.
"You're fit but by gosh don't you just know it!" --The Streets
@Pope John Peeps II:
"... And then you need to do lots of isometric "tensing" excercises to get your muscles used to long periods of clenching ..."
This is where the freelancing comes in.
"MILF" has got to be one of the more annoying phrases American Pie brought into the pop culture lexicon. Why, oh why, couldn't it have been "shit break" that, umm, broke out?
@CodePink: Definitely. That's why I dig cokewhores so much.
"soccer mom" != MILF.
@Archetype: Pilates?
Sorry, that's Calisthenics.
If one looks bad after sweating it out at the gym, face it: you are fugly in your natural state. Sorry, toots.
Also, duh, waterproof mascara?
Everything is wrong with this poor woman. Everything. First, MILF? Was she suggesting she wanted to fuck these soccer moms? Second, mascara? At the gym? What? Third...third, and core, and...and....ack...ack.
...Too much bimbo, head hurts, must lie down now.
@MisterHippity: Ha ha! Very nice. Maybe college callgirl can weigh in on this with something funny. She's hilarious.
Also, I figure she won't have this problem anymore, as Julia Allison's six-figure job will put her in a state of permanent whipcord tension. Hugs like a steel cord. Twanging, dangerously tense orgasms. Clenched, scissor-like thighs. This will be one dangerous lady.
Core Fusion?
Is that, like, Soul Constipation?
@Pope John Peeps II: As much as I, too, would love to hear Collegecallgirl weigh in, I think the mere mention of Alyssa's name demeans her profession.
I trimmed my pubs so they don't tickle up inside her nostrils.
Everytime she talks about spin class, I picture her with a bunch of 1st graders just spinning around in circles with their arms flailing 'til they fall down and laugh. Then naptime.
I bet she likes it rough
@Archetype: Not so; it's a proprietary-branded (more costlier) Pilates-esque thing. But it did teach me to lift my legs straight up in the air while sitting on the floor. Don't knock it, etc . . .
@BobbyJoeBob: keep 'em coming bob.
Emily, I think the term is "blogtard."
@narnio: Yeah, bob is cool, huh?
@Gawker Admissions: @BobbyJoeBob: Asleep at the wheel with this one, I take it?
mascara won't be the only thing running down her face in the workout I got planned for her
@Clarence Rosario: Right. In the Venn diagram of life, I'm not sure there's much, if any overlap here.
And I missed the notice about the whole core craze. What's that supposed to help you with, your Valsava maneuver?
@BobbyJoeBob: Hey, guy. There's another commenter here I want to hook you up with. In fact, we can all get together.
How'd you like to workout on My Cock?
Please stop!
Gawker, you've already made Julia Allison unjustly semi-famous. Please, no matter how toned this typo-tard's core might get, let's not build another monster here.
But if you could give her number to bobbyjoebob that'd be great.
@BobbyJoeBob: @KarenUhOh: You just got Karened.
@KarenUhOh: You got a penis, Karen. That's hot!
@BobbyJoeBob: Mmmm. . .
Does anyone have any secrets to looking sexy at the gym?
Try these, Alyssa!
1) Chin implant.
2) Brain implant.
3) Molotov cocktail. It's the new Cosmopolitan!
OMG you guys. I think Bob is actually Brad from Bay Ridge.
This is exactly why the terrorists hate us. Drop the Hitchens, bring your burka or hijab to the locker room and then you won't worry so much about what vigorious activity does to your appearance.
@KarenUhOh: I was kindof thinking the same, but then it hit me, there's no way this bitch has never had sex. Either that or she's dated guys who come very much too soon, like after two strokes.
K@KarenUhOh: do you use the male or female locker room
GOSHDARNIT! THIS HAS BEEN BUBBLING FOR SO LONG NOW. PLEASE PARDON MY FRENCH, BUT
FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL. FUCK THIS GIRL.
IF THAT GETS ME KICKED OFF GAWKER, SO BE IT. HEY LIS, DO US ALL A FAVOR AND TAKE YR PROBLEMS TO THE WHO GIVES A SHIT CHANNEL.
i feel so much better now.
Mayhap BobbyJoeBob and Bronte should get together and go bowling?
@BobbyJoeBob: Oh, who NEEDS a locker room?