Ok.. I'm sorry.. don't kill me over this next statement.. but I totally got turned on reading that.

When I feel the denim of my jeans snug against my crotch, it means I'm bloated.

Um...wow. Is he for real? Read Harlequin novels much?

I so hope none of the women I've known have said "Fuck it, I want this" before consigning themselves to the doom of my embrace.

1. Any man who would "gently force me to my knees" would get a "swift kick in the balls."
2. Sticky is not a sexy word. Ever.
3. I didn't know my asshole could wink. The things you learn...
4. Spit as lube? Really?
5. Someone's been reading waaaaaay too many trashy romance novels, the cheap drugstore kind.

Smoove B? Is that you?

...filling you with warm muscle...

And then, afterward, we'll have a cookie!

"The denim of your jeans?" "The beautiful asshole winking at me approvingly?" And what's worse? He *copyrighted* this awful writing?!? Cringe.

You're gross.™ --Mathnet

Funniest part? The copyright at the end. Ha!

You know, Friday is supposed to be hot, sexy day here on Jezebel, but this is just killing it.

Wow, I thought his writing really got me wet ...
until I went to the bathroom and realized I just started y=my period.

I guess Jank's warm muscle provokes my body's internal birth control.

...but i'm not on Jezebel, so that explains a lot.

"...and then i'll shoot my load all over your face"

Tropic of Canker Sore.

He is so crying out for The Crying Game.

@wilmawonker: "... and in your eye."

courtyard window? you loser

This can't be real...can it?

Or just do this:
[youtube.com]

Creepiest part? That's his Christmas card.

@centaurfarm: I totally thought of smoove B, too! But then again, with Smoove B, there would be the finest Swiss chocolates, honey-dipped apricots, and dark chocolate M & Ms. There would also be licorice.

He ought to date Eric Schaeffer.

OK, OK, OK. I will own to reading romance novels (of the Harlequin persuasion as well as others) as well as full-on erotica (Anais Nin et al). And what this man has written insults them all! If I had a set of leather gloves, I would slap my computer screen and then toss them to the ground! Spitting noise here!

Would his semi really spring out at me? Does he have a little dick catapult rigged up?

what the fuck is this harlequin shit

When I see oddly anxious women around 68th & Madison now, I'll know why.

Josh, a request:
Can you re-do this as an E-card, with cheesy music and a voiceover track doing a Barry White parody?

@AussieGoldiLocks: ha, you got to it before me

Mario Batali often tells his spaghetti that he's going to fill it with warm mussels.

You know, if you get into a certain really uncomfortable position in yoga class, it's really only 5 inches from one's asshole to the sternum, which sounds about right. But not as the crow flies, as it were. So other than that, he's probably out of luck though with that whole "you'll feel my cock in your solar plexus" bullshit. Plus, since the sternum is a BONE? I'm not sure anyone really wants to feel penis... burrowing... to ... it?

Wow, never having sex again sounds great.

How much do you wanna bet this guy holds one arm behind his back, the other positioned on the woman's butt, as he's thrusting in and out mechanically for 45 minutes at a time? Possibly stopping, of course, to check out his own body in the mirror.

This sounds like every "I-want-you-so-bad" email I ever got from a dude. Although one of them used "raging cock," which I thought was quite clever.

ANTON?

jenka69: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears29: Aight.
jenka69: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears29: I slip out of my pants, just for you, jenka69.
jenka69: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears29: Oh, I like to play dress up.
jenka69: Me too baby.
BritneySpears29: I kiss you softly on your chest.
jenka69: I cast Level 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears29: Hey...
jenka69: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Level 8 C**k of the Infinite.
BritneySpears29: Funny I still don't see it.
jenka69: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fu*k of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears29: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
jenka69: Don't fu*k with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
jenka69: I steal your soul and cast Lightning Level 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Level 2 Druid.
BritneySpears29: Don't ever message me again you piece of sh*t.
jenka69: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
jenka69: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
jenka69: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
jenka69: Baby?

"tasting and mixing your juices into a think wet coat of lubricant" sounds like that goo swimmers slather on before swimming the English channel. I always wondered where that stuff came from.

He had me at "You asshole..."

Paul? Patrick Bateman is on the phone and he wants his A game back.

Why did he have to trademark those words, I was going to use this as my law school person statement.

@The Real JR:

Works for me, most nights. Thanks!

@LolCait: You'll want to feel my gnocchi burrowing into you, gorging you, filling your spine.

@midtown43: I thought this was Eric Schaeffer until I realized there were no references to Master Cleanse, yoga or apropriate baby-making age..

What a TOOL. And the typo there at the end is pretty fucking funny. (think = thick)

Furthermore, no condom? I don't think so!!

@Reluctant Financier: it's ok I sorta did too. until I got to the "your pussy is parted" bit, at which point I started giggling uncontrollably because all I could think was "MY PUSSY, IT PARTS, JUST LIKE THE RED SEA! IT'S A MIRACLE! MY PUSSY IS MIRACULOUS!!" because that's what's funny to me at 3:50 on a friday.

My God. I so do not want anything burrowing to my sternum. Ever. Even if it's warm.

@Pope John Peeps II: And then I finish you with sauce.

@GraniteInMyVeins: Let's go there and see who's lurking around his building...oh, it's us.

dude that leather chair is going to cost a fortune to clean.

@Pope John Peeps II: Exactly. Then we he climaxes (i.e. actually eats the bowl), he lies on the living floor, farting all through the night.

@the supergoddess: Yeah, but the really sick part is that I'm not even into girls. (at least conciously)

@LolCait: WHEN he. Not WE. Ugh.

@Nard38: it's his reworking of 'twas the night before christmas'.

@LolCait: LIVING ROOM. I'M SO HOT AND BOTHERED I CAN'T EVEN TYPE.

None of it sounds worth walking up three flights of stairs.

Wow. He would allow her to touch herself. What a nice guy.

@mathnet: HA!!!!

@Pope John Peeps II: I want him to penne me to his leather chair.

@Cesare_the_Somnambulist: Does *your* personal Asian wingman in a leotard have a card? I lost mine to Gwen Stefani this summer.

@LolCait: Stop making me laugh so much at work! Jeez!

I think when he meant to say "how sticky you'll become from the yeast infection I'm about to give you". And...what of this "foam"? Does this girl have rabies?
The thought of having this douchebag's purple head anywhere near me is enough to make me gag. Though, I bet he'd like that, messy saliva strands, bile and all. Blech.

"Now, put the paper bag over your head."

(nip/tuck)

@TedSez: You so made my day. Hilarious.

@CodePink: No! With Fava Beans. Like Hannibal Lector.

@The Real JR: WIN

Wait. He didn't write this. This is a Robert Frost poem.

@Furious_George: Now that you say that, this guy does remind me of the crazy in American Psycho. Thanks for reminding me to watch that movie today.