By Jessica, 12:40 PM on Fri Mar 10 2006, 954 views (Edit, to draft, Top, Slurp)

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• Teri Hatcher never had to testify against her uncle who sexually abused her, so why would she come forward and spill the story to Vanity Fair, apropos nothing? Because of George Clooney, that's why! Captain Sexy gave Hatcher the fuck-n-run, and she had no choice but to go to VF with an unrelated, attention-grabbing story. Don't we all deal with break-ups like that? [Page Six]
• Once you're inside Lindsay Lohan's lair at Bungalow 8, there's no escape. Not even Lance Armstrong is strong enough to fight off her emphysemic charms. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton refuses to pay for the $2500 ticket to Elton John's AIDS benefit/Oscar party and instead pulls the "Don't you know who I am?" Meanwhile, even Us Weekly refuses to write about the skankbot. [Page Six]
• Two words on why the art world sucks: cash bar. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Dennis Quaid, unsuspecting manorexic. [Page Six]