Gawker
Guys! GUYS! Totes such hotness on "The Hills" last night! The gang all went out to Las Vegas to surprise Brody for his birthday and Lauren FULLY KISSED HIM? I think they may be getting back together! How great is that!? Lauren so deserves love!?! Meanwhile, Audrina TOTALLY THREW A BITCH FIT at her friends and some guy who is only wearing a towel because she thinks the rest of the girls are all, Don't date Justin Ricky Lee Harvey John Wayne Bobby, but you know what? They were just trying to be friendly to him. And also?!?
She SHOULDN'T date him, he's a major butt, right?!? Also, they finally let the fat girl talk and they gave her a name, but I forgot it, because, come on, fat girl, right? Also, also, Lauren got flashed by Lo's vag and was all Brody, I saw Lo's Britney! Which is so funny, because, like, Britney Spears also has a vagina that she is always flashing? I Anyway, back in L.A.? It's Spencer and Heidi's anniversary? And Heidi tells the old dude at Bolthouse that she can't cover some event because her anniversary is that much more important, even though it's with Spencer who is a major dick and still won't tell his parents that they're engaged? And old dude is all, Fine, whatever, just make sure someone covers it? And Heidi's like, No problem? So she goes to Elodie—who she TOTALLY SCREWED OVER BEFORE—and is all, Hey, I really need you to cover this for me? And Elodie smiles and is like, Oh, sure, anything for you. Except what we know but Heidi doesn't even though this show is TOTALLY SCRIPTED, is that Elodie already made plans to quit her job? So Heidi's at dinner with Spencer and the phone rings and someone's all, You need to get down here now? And Heidi's like, but Elodie's covering it, and whoever's on the other end is all, Nuh uh, Elodie quit? And we're like, Hahahah, that's what you get, you job-stealing bitch!?!?!?! So Heidi is fully, I have to go to work? And Spencer acts like the big gay baby he is? How does Heidi not see what a stupid mean jerk Spencer can be?!?!?!?!?!?! It, was, like, so, satisfying, oh, my, God, you, guys!?!? Also? This is the last "The Hills" I will ever have to watch?!???!? And it sort of makes me sad, because when I watch "The Hills" I forget about war and poverty and basic math? And I, like, don't want to go back to caring about stuff or knowing the name of the President or reading books? But I guess I have to? Because you can't go through life being an Audrina (Audrina=retard) if you're not on a scripted reality show for MTV? I guess??!?!?!?!?!? Anyway, I'll miss you, "Hills." We'll always have that time where that one girl said that really stupid thing and everyone was all, What? I'll never forget it.
Comments
NO!!!
Balk, please, PLEASE do not write anything else. This is your beautiful, perfect swan song.
Um, Balk, you know we love you and everything, and we know you are a short-timer and all but... how much gin did you splash into your cornflakes this morning?
spencer angry. this new feeling for spencer: rejection. spencer want to text world: i h8 heide. but strangley, spencer realize he like this feeling. think maybe he will have heidi tie him up and spank him later, maybe let her use lexington steele sexual toy on him. now he want to text heide: i luv u.
this day is off to a great start...
@malegirdle: u r a genius.
Balk: now imbued with greater purpose.
Now is the time to call Balk and pretend you want to catch up.
Oh. My. GOD!!!!!!!!!!
Balk, you totes have to do, like, a weekly guest thing? 'Cause we NEED a leader into the meatgrinder...You're OUR Lo!
Dis give mees a haddock.
The Hag Heidi and the Elodie.
Bravo! Bravo! Pulitzer. Pe-ew-lit-zer!!!
BALK is a GIRL?!?!??!?!?!
but, but, but, like, who's gonna watch the hills so I don't have to? guys? hey? no fair.
@collegecallgirl:
Blowjob etiquette still applicable?
I think my head just exploded
@LolCait: "I can see LOL's Britney."
I think Balk just puked all over my screen.
@the_mayoress: Clear it with Choire and it's MORE THAN FINE BY ME.
BALK! You can't quit now! Didn't you see the teaser for the rest of the season?!?!
Heidi and Spencer fight and she CALLS HIM OUT ON NOT HAVING A JOB.
Heidi and Lauren argue once again at a crowded LA nightclub and NO ONE AROUND THEM SEEMS TO NOTICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, HEIDI.
Jen Bunny says some shit.
Audrina says some dumb shit.
Brody (illiterate fuck) kisses Whitney.
Justin Bobby pretends that he's NOT a D-bag but a Johnny Depp/Eddie Vedder hybrid.
OMG! I TOTES LOVE MONDAY NIGHTS!
Oh Balk, everytime you post about the hills I feel a little closer to you.
I don't know why everyone's being so snarky. This couple was fantastic in Team America: World Police! Of course, in this show they're not as realistically conceived, but what do you want from spongy puppets?
@A.Twafeletta: Emily, pick up the ball! Gossip Girls is on Wednesday so you know your Mondays are totally open.
@Balk: There is no way in hell I'm watching that show or any clips of it. That being said, the last two sentences made the post worth it.
What? Never Forget.
Balk, I'll miss you?
I thought The Cavemen wasn't premiering until tonight.
Newport Beach makes The Hills look like Dynasty.
Spencer's face gets pube-ier with every passing week...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fat girl's name is Jill; I had to rewind and pause because she got a grand total of 3 nanoseconds of screen time.
Damn you, Balk, for sanctioning such guilty webisode indulgence!
Spencer and Heids are becoming quite depressing, aren't they?
Absolute poetry, Balk. We'll miss your love-hate fueled recaps. And everything else, of course.
"big gay baby" - perfection.
@hamburgerhotdog: Seriously. Homeskillet is another day's growth away from being a blonde version of those "wolf boy" acrobats in the Mexican circus.
Except Spence is shorter than them, of course.
Also: can someone surgically remove Brody's pointing-at-my-peeps-in-da-club-howlee-shit-tonite-is-off-the-chain-etc finger?
How did Spencer and Heidi go from engaged to married-for-20 years in the span of a week? Crazy. I guess that's technology for you.
@Cheap Shot: Newport Hills is awesomeness and beauty and blonde hair and kisses and valley girls and daddy's girls and bikinis and cute boyz and I can't breathe.
Serously though, that Denise Richards lookalike gives me girl wood. I kind of want to put a picture of her on my desk and tell everyone I'm just a "huge fan" but secretly pretend she's my boyfriend.
I have no idea how I am going to make it through Wednesdays without your Hills recap. Actually, I dont know how I am going to make it through any day without you.
I always save "You don't love me" for the moment right before the breakup. Why's Spencer playing all his best cards now?
@jse82: wait, isn't it tuesday?
Does anyone think that Spencer has a bet going with one of his douchebag friends to see who can go without shaving the longest (a la Knocked Up)? I can't think of any other explanation as to why he would continue to grow that shit. Ugh, what a nightmare.
@popapocalypse:
Also, long live Elodie.
Balk, your Hills recaps are the best. I will truly miss them
OMG Balk...how am I supposed to understand the complexities of The Hills without you? I am totes sad...
Spencer really reminds me of our current President. It feels like I'm watching The Young W and His Robot Bride. Except Heidi didn't kill her previous boyfriend at a crossroads.
When Spencer exposes his teeth it reminds me of something a baboon would do right before it rips the shit out of another baboon.
@jojosayno: far more concerning than the point, I think, is the glove.
@Balk: Aww, you can't use "And now he's dead" yet! That makes my living in denial so much more difficult.
Sob!
are spencer's tears blond too?
This is so much better to read than Neal Pollack's crap.
Spence has a job, he's the albino geico cave man.
@Balk, you're totally covering for Emily next week right?
Like Spencer even knows what the word "working" means. He should just shut the hell up.