Lauren Conrad to Heidi Montag:

OMG U R A SLUT

I'm sure Heidi and her fake fiance were really hurt by LC's accidentally astute observation. If Heidi had half a brain, she might say something about a pot and a kettle, but we all know that chicks like these have the IQ of an eggplant.

i want l.c. and heidi to make up so that all four girls (yes, even you whitney) can tear up the town and hook up with those d-list celebrity boys. i mean, isn't that what young, pretty girls do in L.A. anyway?

I think I care more about Julia Allison than I do this show. Please stop!

I was almost as excited about that as Audrina was about working her way up to a cubicle.

I would love to see the scene of LC tell Heidi she wants to forgive and FORGET YOU... it almost gives me chills...ahhh love it. And Spencer spying her im's... It's like a whole 5 minutes of nothing stetched into 15 minutes.

Said Heidi in response: "I don't think I'm a person."

Nothing's happening...nothing's happening...something about a sex tape...nothing's happening. Now it's over. People look really pissed.

'Forgive & Forget' is my new mantra. I'm going to try it on my boss...

Perfect. Camera. Placement. OH MY GOD, this is like, soo real.

She may not be smart but her writers are not spoons.
They are butter knives.

So what, bitch was too lazy to slap her and throw a drink in her face? Scripted drama, my ass; this shit is scripted snoozefest.

I can haz STD from reality show skank?

So what happened? What sex tape? What did Heidi's boyfriend do to Lauren?

Come on Emily, don't be afraid to be servicey!

"I think I'm gonna go up and say something to her." - Heidi Montag, on how she responded when the producers of The Hills said "Okay Heidi, Lauren's in place. We need you to go up and say something to her. You'll need to mention the phrase "sex tape" once, and you need to stay in the camera angle for at least a minute. Can you handle it?"

Where was Spencer and his blonde beard? Damnit, how was he not around to give a pointless opinion?

After the timing of that introduction, I'm pretty sure Whitney is a comedic genius.

Heidi looks like a marionette with big wooden teeth.

When did aggressive lip gloss come out of hiding and when is it going back?

Why don't they just take it to the Thunderdome?

They both look like they were about to burst out laughing at the utter redonk of it all.

"If you want to apologize to me, I'll talk to you" is how I'll be starting every conversation from now on, especially those I initiate and especially those with strangers.

@concerned citizen: LMAO Ditto!

LC needs to revist her Teen Vogue orientation manual because while she wears Uptight Skank well, that smackdown does not get props.

@concerned citizen: Nice! I think I'm gonna go with, "If you want to tell me how hot I am, I'll follow you home."

Oh man, just watched that episode, my first, and my last. Are young women really this fucking stupid, shallow and completely ridiculous? Jesus. I'm really disgusted.

@TheUpMyAssPlayers: Umm, no. But if you hadn't already figured that out from REAL LIFE, you have problems that reading these comments aren't remotely going to address.

But, then, you actually watched the episode. So, that says a lot right there.

Julia Alison never looked better.

@BadUncle: Two skanks enter, one skank leaves. (recycling a joke from a few weeks ago)

I think Heidi Montag has officially tramped up her image enough to where she can change her name to "Heidi Monday."

@lilyb: Pardon moi! I don't spend much time pondering the goings on of twatwaffles on MTV or any other network. And if you're trying to imply these twats have any redeeming factors in "real life" then you my friend have the problems.

And yeah I watched a 4 minute clip, just like you gawk train wrecks. Sue me.

@lilyb: Perhaps you could do a little research on your own before begging the editorial staff to give you every detail. But if you Really care what's happening, then you have some real problems that reading these comments aren't remotely going to address. ;) You take care now sweets.

Sadly, the Heidi/LC catfight totes overshadowed Justin Bobby's brilliant performance as thunderously belching Justin Bobby. It sent a shiver down my spine.

Love the two peripheral skanks staring at the crowd, wondering which producer will give them a little blow after the scene wraps up.

This show is a juggernaut, I hope it goes on till it's "Lauren & Heidi, 40, Fat, and on Welfare". Do you think that the devil that holds these girls souls and credit cards will give them swank apartments to hang out at cause of the referral souls he gets by new people coming on the show?

@dcunstrukt: If Welfare still exists by the time these girls are 40, I'd say our country has bigger problems!

Socialism = :(

@dweeb:
ok, so i wasn't the only one puzzled as Audrina kept repeating how she's moving up in the world by getting her very own cubicle. her cube is half the size of mine, not that i'm bragging or anything...

In her defense, it is quite a step up from under her boss's desk.

Is Audrina a veteran? Looks like she got her top lip shot off in the war. Not sure which one though, she's pretty young. So definitely not Korea or Vietnam.

I'm still confused about why telling other people about a sex tape makes someone a bad person, while making a sex tape with Coke Boy does not.

Meanwhile, when are these chicks going to hook up with the Entourage boys?

LC - E
Heidi - Vince
Audrina - Turtle
Whitney - Drama

Make it happen, MTV-HBO.

@dweeb: Brilliant!

@TheUpMyAssPlayers: Um? Wow. You're kind of a dick, aren't you?.

@ConcernedCitized: I just laughed so hard I had to show half my office what I was looking at.

Sneak preview: LC finds Heidi puking in restaurant bathroom, and discovers her bulemia secret. She nurses Heidi back to health, the two share a kiss and the cameras turn off.

The next day both are featured on Rosie's new show.