Alicia Colon Can't Even Understand 'Charlotte's Web'

Alicia Colon, our favorite crank at The Sun, has been blogging up a storm of late. It's all the crazy you've come to expect from Alicia, condensed into bite-size bits of batshittery. Call us traditionalists, but we prefer to get our nutty natterings in full-length column form. What's she on about today? Oh, distorting a classic of children's literature! Neat!

In full, it's a screed about abstinence education and how the liberal media hides the truth that teaching kids not to fuck works. (An analogy from Rush Limbaugh is offered to buttress her argument, if that gives you any indication.) But it's not only that: Secular Hollywood types are trying to promote their pro-banging agenda through movies and TV aimed at children! Take, yes, the recent big-screen adaptation of the E.B. White classic Charlotte's Web.

I can't say that I'm overly familiar with the original story or film but this one has its star, Dakota Fanning, making googly eyes at a young boy with whom she ends up riding on a Ferris wheel. Why unnecessarily interject a romance between children in a classic juvenile story? Why wasn't everyone outraged at young Ms. Fanning playing in another film depicting her violent rape? Why are prepubescent actors even allowed in R-rated films? Where are their parents?

We can't speak to the last two (and doesn't that series of questions read like something you'd hear a crazy lady shouting from the stoop?), but we are familiar with Charlotte's Web. If fact, we have a copy right here! Let's read a little excerpt, shall we? Fern, the character portrayed by Fanning, is talking to her brother Avery.

"Coasting is the most fun there is," said Avery.

"The most fun there is," retorted Fern, "is when the Ferris wheel stops and Henry and I are in the top car and Henry makes the car swing and we can see everything for miles and miles and miles."

"Goodness, are you still thinking about that ol' Ferris wheel?" said Avery in disgust. "The Fair was weeks and weeks ago."

"I think about it all the time," said Fern, picking snow from her ear."

Yeah, no romance between children there. On the other hand, maybe she has a point: The story is about a magical spider who saves a talking pig from slaughter: Why shatter that fantasy with the reality that young adults fall in love? It's like finding an authentic fact in an Alicia Colon column.

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