Onion features editor Joe Garden, whom none of us has ever met, sent around an email this morning asking everyone to help him move. We've reproduced it below in the spirit of helping Joe out, and also in the hopes that his bosses maybe give him a raise so he can hire some Israelis next time?

Listen, if you barely know me, and I've never done you any favors, then by all means, delete this message.

But if you know me, like me, and would like me to drive you around somewhere in the future, then hear me out.

I'm moving. Many of you know this by now. Not far away (17th St. Between 7th and 8th) but it requires a van. And friends.

This weekend will mark the third and final load.

Payment will be the conventional beer and pizza, as well as a future (or past) assistance from me with my car.

Anyway, email me by the end of the day.

Joe

Contact information for this author is not available.